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So I am 6 months out and 6 months NC with my uBPDexgf.  We were together for a little over a year, and our relationship was plagued by many break ups and violent rages on her part.  After doing a lot of thinking and reading I think I have indentified some key things that will really help me move past this once and for all.

Was she or wasn't she BPD?... .doesn't really matter.  I don't need an official diagnose to make me feel better.  What I do know for a fact is she had numerous BPD traits (lack of impulse control, heavey manipulations, suicde ideations/threats, medicated for anxiety depression and a sleep disorder and a massive fear of abandonment). 

Am I codependent... .after much soul searching and reading... .I don't think I am.  I am not a serial relationship guy.  Before this relationship, I was single for 3 years, and I was just fine with it.  What I am is a nice guy who derives pleasure out of helping others and being useful.  I do have a tendency to put other's happiness before my own, and people like my ex can take advantage of this.  But knowing that this can be an issue, it is something I will be more watchful for going forward.

I think I am finally understanding the cycle of our relationship and why it kept failing.  Most break ups would start with something really small.  She would ask me to come over on a random Tuesday night.  I would already have plans and would decline.  She would freak out (triggered by a perceived abandonment) and start saying nasty things.  Her behavior would escalate until I would begin to withdraw (because who wants to be around someone who was saying angry crazy things).  By withdrawning she would feel even more abandoned and her behavior would get worse (threats, lies and even more vicious insults).  She would either fall alseep for the night or she would keep going until she crossed a major (threatened to call the police on me or threatened suicide).  If she fell alseep, in the morning she would text me like nothing happened.  If she crossed a line, she would spend the next day or two beggining for me to come back.  When I wouldn't come back her bad behavior would start all over again, because now she was being abandoned for real.  In the longer break ups ( a week or more), this behavior would continue for 4 or 5 days then abrubtly end.  The last break up was like that, and i haven't heard from her in 6 months.  We went through over a dozens these mini (one day) and major cycles over the course of 14 months.

So it basically all boils down to minor slight leading to a massive fear of abandonment leading to violent raging on her part leading to me withdrawning leading to her behavior escalating leading to me walking away out of deseperation.  Wash rinse reapeat... .over and over again. 

It seems like the only thing I could have done was been perefect and 100 compliant with all of her demands... .of course that is no one way to live.  Seeing this logical, I understand that I really had no choice in leaving because this cycle would have gone on as long as I allowed it to.     

Hey Lawman,

As a self-styled "nice guy" myself, I can completely relate to your experience. I think I mentioned on another post by you that I am in the same boat - 6 months out. We were together for 2.5 years.

The interesting thing is that I wonder if we blame it too much on being nice guys. Do we have our own issues? I understood that in my case I do. I wanted to be helpful and like yourself I enjoy being a people pleaser. It gives me happiness to do the little things that I did for her (in the beginning for sure). Getting the groceries, cooking dinner, doing what she wanted to do were all fun in their own ways at first. I continued for at least one year to feel happy about that stuff.

It's interesting for me to read about how you "broke up" 14 times. From the looks of things, your ex was more violent in her expressions. Never did mine threaten to call the police, for example, or repeatedly make suicide threats. But soon enough our first fight happened. It was about my friends. My friend was throwing a mini gathering. She had never really met them before I think, so I asked her if she would like to come over with me as a couple. It was a step. She said yes. I enjoy socializing very much, so at the party I didn't sit down next to her in the living room. I introduced her to my friends and then assumed that she would be fine making small talk. My friend sat between us in the circle as I spoke to someone new for a little. It was brief.

After the party, in the car, the fight began. How could I have changed so much? How come I act differently with my friends? She didn't like my friends, and it always became an issue. But it was at this moment, I suppose, that I promised her that I "would change" and not "act that way" or whatever. My fault in the 2.5 years was in believing that I could get it right (whatever it was) and hoping that she would change. It's actually kind of arrogant of me. I basically assumed that she would change and that I would eventually get everything right to avoid a fight. It kept me in this cycle for 2.5 years.

One morning she was sleeping in a bit and I quietly slipped out the front door to go to work. I just assumed that it would be fine. I guess I had always kissed her or told her that I was leaving, but that day I must have been in a rush. I thought I was being polite by letting her sleep in and quietly exit. Nope. I did it wrong. I guess this was her abandonment part.

The thing is, Lawman, as a nice guy you have a lot to offer to the right person. And unfortunately I think you're the perfect target for someone with BPD. But you're right that no one can be 100% perfect. And no one should change everything about themselves. I am still struggling to figure out who I am and find myself again. The day I finally broke up I was lost. Without my ex to dictate my life, I felt empty. And in fact I missed her dearly.

I'm glad for both of us that we have not had contact with the exes.

Hi Lawman,

   1st    I can relate with everything you said. I too am not a serial dater. I hadn't dated for seven years.

Seven. Plus for me, this was a same sex relationship... .which I never had before... .so I think that did cause me to be co-dependent... .I relied on her to guide me a bit through lesbian life.

I thought this was how ALL gay relationships were. I had no idea what the hell BPD was.

"What I am is a nice guy who derives pleasure out of helping others and being useful.  I do have a tendency to put other's happiness before my own, and people like my ex can take advantage of this.  But knowing that this can be an issue, it is something I will be more watchful for going forward."

I relate to what you wrote (above).  I have a huge heart and get pleasure out of doing things for others. My ex mirrored your ex as far as the rages over changed plans. I got dumped once for oversleeping and forgetting to bring her popcicles. I got dumped (and left for an ex in another state) for canceling dinner plans because I had a really bad day at work.

I became so conditioned to holding everything inside. If I showed any emotion I'd get dumped. Even when she left me for my replacement this time... .

She said "I THINK you are capable of having a relationship someday. Just not with me".

Here she cheated on me, is leaving me and telling me, eh I don't think you can do relationships.

Seriously? F' her.

*)

You are so right about the 100 percent comment.  There is no way of gauging what would have set her off.  My being distant pushed her away this time. Before, I was too clingy.

IMO it never mattered what you did. She lives in a constant state of psychosis and you, my dear don't.

I am finally coming out of the fog. I am feeling much better and realizing my value and worth. I am capable of having a healthy, happy relationship. I just need to work out why/how I was attracted to this person and stayed for three years.

I wish you the best in your healing process. It looks like you are on track!

PW

Summer Storm,

   You brought up something interesting... .

That you told her you would "change".

Isn't that funny? You just described yourself as this AWESOME woman who is sending her GF cards and doing sweet things for her. You are a nice and sweet person yet you are willing to CHANGE for this broken human.

I am not poking at you... .I DID THE SAME THING.

They make everything your fault to the point you start feeling you are the one broken and youre not.

This is a selfish, manipulative, jealous and shallow person.

You are none of the words above.

We need to start being easier on ourselves.

PW

SAS and PW... .thank you for the kind words of support.


One thing I did have going for me is that I never said I was going to change to suit her needs.  She promised that she would stop her reoccuring bad behavior, but of course that only got worse.  She told me once... ."you do most of what I want... .just not all of it.  You treat me only as a good as you treat your clse friend".  I started to realize literally 100 perfect of my time and effort wouldn't have been enough and there just would have been more break ups big and small.

SummerStorm has a great point. Do they even know what they want? It changes constantly. It's like trying to hit a moving target. No one can be perfect 100% of the time because you don't even know what "perfect" is that day!

If she crossed a line, she would spend the next day or two beggining for me to come back. When I wouldn't come back her bad behavior would start all over again, because now she was being abandoned for real.

Hi lawman,

The first example (in bold) is fear of abandonment triggered; a pull is generated. The second example (underlined) is her splitting you black and then discarding you. See the difference?

Kudos to you for recognizing the cycle and for not accepting responsibility for it. You're correct, unless she commits to a valid treatment program, this is likely going to be a continuous factor in her interpersonal relationships, regardless of the partner.

Take care of yourself. As you noted, the chaos never was about you.

Thanks Apoll

  The times were she gave up and disappeare3d after a few days of begging renengagement would only happen if I did and usually it would take some doing on my part.  This time I had the strength to not reach out to her after she crossed a major.  Although this time there was no several days of begging... .just 6 months of silence.  I guess that I am split back for good?

Bottom line, I realized it was up to me to end the cycle otherwise I think we would still be at it.  It was so exhuasting and getting so old. I assume all pf her passed relationship played out the same way. According to her, her last two boyfriends were abusive (a lie I assume) and her best friends warned me from the get go that she doesn't do well in relationships and that she requires a lot of pateinces (should not have ignored that red flag).

This is me... .all of this. to a t. the countless breakups- just everything. Could be my life you just narrated. except for the 6 months thing has been more like 6 hours.

Your post really resonates with me today because I did end it realizing full well that it is up to me to break the cycle. Our cycle was getting worse, more frequent, and more violent. The closer and more intimate our relationship grew, the worse it was getting.

I ignored red flags too. It's easy to do (my T says that we excuse certain behavior to create the relationship we really want- true).  My BPDx literally told me that it is not easy to be in a relationship with him and that he destroys every relationship he is part of. I completely ignored that one... .i remember literally thinking "he's full of bologna... .there is no way its hard to be in a relationship with him... .look how well we get along and how much I like him already!"

So don't be hard on yourself... .we make what we want of red flags. sometimes we ignore them.  but i'll be dammed if i miss the next serious ones!  red-flag

Lawman, you're right, you, as the healthy one, had to end the relationship or it would have continued. Seen from her perspective, it was also not healthy for her to go through those emotional swings. Essentially, the relationship was unhealthy for you both, regardless of who caused it.

She might eventually come back around, who knows? I do believe, gleaned from what i have read on these boards, that the black does eventually fade. I would certainly prepare myself for that possible day. (She has probably split the exbfs black, so they're abusive according to her. From her perspective, not a lie as her emotions become her reality.)

Kudos to her friends for letting you know that you were engaging someone that had special needs. I wouldn't be too hard on myself for walking past some red flags. We all do that to a degree. I certainly did in my relationship. But, isn't that part of being a healthy human being, to give someone a chance? I certainly don't buy into the rubbish that we're broken if we became involved with someone that's broken.

Take care of yourself!

Thank you so much Apollo.  I really appreciate it.

  The only time she came back on her own after a break that lasted more than a few days was this time last year.  She got mad at me for not coming over on a Tuesday night, txted the most vile nasty things that I had ever heard and then apparently blocked my phone and email address right after (I didn't respond with anything anyway).  The next week she emailed and asked if I would drop a bathing suit that she left at my house off.  I told her I would put it in a bag and leave it on the front porch.  This occured for 3 weeks in a row, with her never responding to my emails and making the same request a week later.  I finally said the suit will be out there through the weekend, then I am gonna chuck it.  It was at that point she started enaging saying how much she missed the dog that we got together.  Said she was too emabarrased for how she acted to talk to me... .I never did get an apology just for that.  I just took her back.  Really dumb move on my part... .if she was embarraased by her behavior then... .I can only imagine how embarrased she is for threatening to kidnap and poison my dog and for telling me I should die in an oven like the rest of my family (I am half jewish) the last time we spoke 6 months ago... .yeah ain't she a sweetheart. 

Really sums it up for me, we have the choice to walk away. As much as the pwBPD have caused us tremendous pain, I don't think they have the capacity to walk away from it all

Glad I'm not alone on this one! My BPD BF actually said to me right at the very start that he was bad news and that he really needed someone e to make him feel safe and secure. All I saw of that red flag was a bird with a broken wing that I was determined I could fix! I realise this part of myself- my empathy and compassion is my strongest attribute and it also makes me the perfect target for a BPD spouse unfortunately