BPDFamily.com

This is my first post, so I apologize if I don't know the rules and etiquette. I am 46, a mom with grown children. I have always had various problems which I chalked up to just being a little strange or thinking too much and I put them all on hold while I raised my children. Now that they are grown everything sort of hit me all at once and I became what I would describe as stuck, sort of paralyzed. I started therapy and the therapist pretty much immediately identified PTSD, trauma and anxiety. Also depressive periods when the anxiety has exhausted me. My therapist doesn't think I should worry too much about how I got here, concentrate instead on getting functional, but it's really important to me to try to understand why my mother was the way she was. I have tried to find something that fits, but nothing really does. I am hoping someone here can help me. I was thinking BPD for a while, but it feels like a square peg in a round hole because she never put me down like people here describe. Here's a brief overview- I hope someone recognizes the combination- she's an extreme hoarder, always pointing out how giving and kind she is, how she loves too much and everyone just takes. Was never verbally abusive to me or my brother but was overwhelmingly smothering instead saying that the only reason she chose to live was for us and was never sure how long she could hold on. She did fly into rages at my dad though. Screaming, throwing things, hysterical rants which always caused me to stay up all night checking on her because I thought she might kill herself. Also I read that BPD people would be seductive in some way- my mom barely manages basic hygiene, hates sex and drives friends away- not by turning on them but by sucking onto them and wanting 24/7 time. Every conversation is about her and her problems. As soon as she meets someone she is detailing her supposed childhood abuse within five minutes without any reason. I grew up feeling entirely responsible for her care, physical and emotional and experienced years of guilt when I ran away from home at 15 because I felt I would go insane. I had begun depersonalizing a lot and saw no hope for the future unless I got away. But even then I called her several times a day to make sure she was ok. I also am pretty sure there's a munchausen component. She dragged us both around to quack doctors for years insisting something was seriously wrong and now she always has whatever new thing she hears about- autism, fibromyalgia etc.  To confuse things there was also long periods of time when she would stay in bed, sometimes a full school year, alternating with brief times of nonstop shopping. Which of course she could not do alone, she had to keep us out of school and shop all day until the stores closed at night. She has never worked at a job, my dad is very passive and has supported her for nearly 50 years. Been in therapy a few times but always says it's not helping and quits or that they said it's not her, it's her family causing the problems. Sorry for the long post- this has been confounding me. I would appreciate any insights- thank you in advance :)

Hi daughterandmom

Thanks for posting this introduction and welcome to bpdfamily

We cannot diagnose people here but what I can say is that BPD comes in many different shapes and forms so to speak. The criteria used to determine if someone has BPD don't all necessarily have to apply to someone with this disorder. For instance, some people with BPD can be 'seductive' but this isn't so for all people with this disorder.

Many of your mother's behaviors you describe could very well be attributed to BPD. Since you are new here, I encourage you take a look at the tools and lessons to the right of this message board, they can help you get a better understanding of what's going on with your mother and help you go forward from here.

There are also some articles here that I think you might find interesting considering the way you described your childhood, like how you were made to feel entirely responsible for her care. Are you familiar with the concepts 'emotional incest' and 'parentification'? I think they might apply to your situation:


When you read this, do you feel like it applies to your childhood with your mother? You can read more here: Was Part of Your Childhood Deprived by Emotional Incest? (https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest)

You also mention feeling guilt for many years. This is something many of our members have struggled with. We have an article here about how fear, obligation and guilt can be used as tools to control people:


Would you say that your mother used/uses fear, obligation and/or guilt to try and control you? You can find the entire article here: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog)

Thank you Kwamina :) The emotional incest article made me cry- I see myself so strongly in there. I clearly have work to do- thank you for your reply.

You're welcome :)

These are though subjects so I can definitely understand the strong emotions they evoke. I am sorry that you too were subjected to emotional incest. This really isn't an easy thing to deal with it.

There fortunately are ways to help you heal from what you've been through, like the steps mentioned at the end of that article. We also had a thread here recently about this same subject. You might find it interesting reading other's stories and if you would like to share more of your own experiences with emotional incest there, I encourage you to do so:

Emotional or covert incest: discussing it and healing from it (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=274516.0)

To the right of this message board you can also find the survivor's guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse. The guide takes you from survivor to thriver through 3 major stages: Remembering --> Mourning --> Healing. Each stage consists of 7 steps. When you look at the survivors' guide, where do you feel you are now? What are the areas listed there that you find yourself struggling with and/or that you would like to work on?

Take care

Hi Daughter,

I agree with Kwamina in that BPD manifests differently.  So many of these personality disorders have over-lapping symptoms.   Your mother for example shares many of the same traits my mother does- the Munchausens and hypochondria, the rage and violence toward spouse, hoarding- though my mother is a mild hoarder, staying in bed.   My mother was diagnosed with narcissistic disorder and borderline.  The resources that Kwamina suggested are very good. 

You are the most important person in your life and you need to take care of yourself.  I know you want to find some logical reason for your mother's illness and perhaps you will but just know that you may never know exactly what is wrong.  I gather that she is older and will most likely never change or have a personal epiphany where she realizes that she needs help. 

It's good that you're focused on helping yourself because that's what really matters.

Glad to meet you and that  you found this forum

Thank you Kwamina and Leaving

Thank you so much. I am going over the resources recommended and I can see that they will be very helpful, although right now it's bringing up a lot of emotion that I don't find easy to deal with. I can't even tell you what it means to finally be able to talk to people who get it. I've trained myself to always answer questions about my mother with the quick "oh she has depression and doesn't get out much" answer because no one would understand, plus I didn't every want to be like my own mother by dumping my crap on anyone else. I have to admit it feels uncomfortable and self indulgent to be talking about this now. I remember trying to explain the way my whole childhood felt to my husband by explaining that when I was a small child I saw the Anne Frank story on tv, and that all I could think about was if the Nazis came for us and split us up, how would they be okay? And how would I escape wherever they put me so I could go find them? I could even envision them being torn away from me and looking helpless (them not me).  My husband felt sad for me, but he can't feel the weight of that. I suppose that's good- means he's far healthier than me :) Anyone else identify with those feelings?

Hello Daughter,

Well of course any child will believe that their parents are 'good' even when they are cruel. That's the very reason so many children and animals get abused. We depended on our parents for survival and interpreted everything they gave us that met our needs as being good.  Our interpretation of everything they do is based on 'caring for us' even when it's minimal or used against us.   Stockholm syndrome also describes this dynamic.  My mother made my brother and I feel sorry for her all the time and that anything she did for us was a HUGE self sacrifice.  That conditioning alone set me up for being a sucker to everyone's plight because I believed that I was the blessed one, the spoiled one, the one who had everything and that I had no needs and therefore, my purpose was to take care of and worry about everyone else's needs. I couldn't even have my own childhood illness without her comparing it to her worse condition.  I always felt invisible unless I was serving others and even then I was mostly invisible since it was just expected of me.

Similar to your reaction to Anne Frank, I too felt at a very early age the responsibility of making sure my brother was safe and cared for in the event that my parents died or killed each other.  At the age of 8 or 9, I kept a suitcase packed in my closet for my brother and I.  I had it planned that we would walk to Montgomery Ward's which was 9 miles away and that we would live in the bathroom section with all the fluffy rugs to sleep on and that we would eat in the cafeteria.  I was fully prepared to take on that duty and never questioned how sad it was that a little girl should need to feel such burden.

I'm 54 and until just a few months ago, actually thought that my mother had something 'good' to offer me in the way of love or support but I was terribly wrong and that fantasy is finally over.  To be specific, there have been 3 or 4 periods in my life where I had no contact with my mother for several years but I always went running back to ' my mommy' when I desperately needed her only to discover each time , who or what she really is.  I'm currently in an a very abusive and difficult marriage and had to make contact with my mother last fall for protection and to store some of my valuables.  How stupid could I be?  She immediately began using me to serve HER needs and abandon my own and then one day my mother actually told me that I cause my husband to abuse me and that she couldn't understand why any woman would tolerate such.  That was the total deal breaker for me.  It's not as if she doesn't know what he does to me or what he did to our dogs or our business, etc... .she just can't handle it and blames me for causing it.  I can't imagine saying such a thing to my daughter but denial is self serving and it makes HER feel better knowing that my suffering is all my fault and has nothing to do with anything she taught me or encouraged ( including marrying an abusive man who she knew was abusive before I married him).  A couple of months ago, she said, " you have such low confidence' and i asked her why she thinks that is and she said,' I have no idea!"  I knew in that moment that she was  never ever going to face any self examination and want to help her children become healthy happy people.  My brother also married a narcissist borderline and my mother can't face that truth either even though she knew before they married that the woman had serious problems including an eating disorder ( anorectic and bulemia).

The dilemma in trying to have a relationship with someone like my mother is that if I am genuine and put myself out there as my natural loving, honest giving self, I get used and abused and if I live with strong boundaries around her then I feel like I'm not being natural and that I'm being suppressed and oppressed.  I don't like feeling that I have to constantly be someone else - always on the defensive with my mother - protecting her from abusing me.  I don't want to be around anyone who abuses anyone!  I want people in my life who value and respect me for who I am not for what I can do for them. 

It's my turn now.  I have needs and I want people in my life who have something to give back.  We all deserve that.

You are a very sensitive and nurturing woman and you should be with people who value those qualities and not abuse them.  One-way relationships will drain you and leave you feeling worthless. 

I hope you can find some peace today in knowing that despite your lonely and fearful upbringing, you developed strength and courage and the capacity to love others. I read Viktor Frankl's book, ' Man's Search for Meaning' about how he survived being in Auschwitz by realizing that his life had a much greater purpose than to just suffer as a prisoner under the rule of selfish evil people.  He wrote about how love is everything and it endures all things and that we can lose everything and still be able to love.  We've been prisoners of our conditioning but we have also made the choice to seek emotional freedom and a better life.   That courageous attitude means we stil have hope.  So, don't give up!

Hi Leaving

Thank you for your reply. First off let me say I am really sorry you are currently going through an abusive situation. I hope that you are finding support and resources to help you.   A lot of what you said resonates with me- It's such a strange feeling that someone else had these thoughts/feelings growing up


This made me smile. I have casually mentioned that I was always scoping out places I could live as a child with no money or resources to people and they just look at me strangely. I always thought there was a very good possibility that this would be something I needed to be ready for. Where we differ is I never thought of bringing my sibling along. I feel very guilty now realizing that.


My mother also did this. Always saying I have given everything to you and there is nothing left of me. All I do is care. I'm such a sensitive person and I feel so deeply. These were also her reasons for not accepting apologies from me. She would say I appreciate your apology, but the hurt is still there.

She actually said the Giving Tree book was written about her.


Smile. My mother still does this. I have a headache, she has migraines that don't respond to medication and the dr says are the worst he's ever seen. I have a cold, she has pneumonia. Every year.


This sounds like you are ready to have a better life. You deserve it :) Thank you for helping me 

Hi daughterandmom and welcome to the forum.

Your post resonated so much with me.

Like you, I am a 46 yo mother and long felt something was not quite right. Me, I put it down to not being enough or doing enough.

Similarly I was unsure that the BPD symptomology actually fit my mother in all ways but so many things rang true.

The hoarding, the hysteria, the abusive way she treated my father (still does) and the extreme emotional neediness were all the same.

Plus, like you I was confused by the idea that my mothe ris quite non sexual - to the point of frigidity and lacking in the most basic self care when it comes to hygiene.

But, as Kwamina pointed out, BPD is a spectrum disorder and not all people manifest all the symptoms, nor to the same degree.

I have found that the hallmark characteristic is the emotional instability.

I am sorry to find that your mother has made you and your brother responsible for her emotional needs - it should certainly be the other way around.

I can also understand your wanting to understand what causes it.

Many therapists and even other people affected by BPD sufferers tend to gloss over and want to move past the whys and wherefores preferring to move forward from 'here.'

Me i had to know as much as possible in order to comprehend it and to comprehend its effects on me.

As far as that goes, you may wish to look closely at your mother's r'ships with her own parents. Did they have a strong family dynamic or is it possible that your mother's mother was not well bonded with your mother?

BPD is believed by many professionals to spring from a disrupted attachment bond between the person and their primary caregiver (usually the mother)

As such, it would help you to see that her neediness and seeking for attention and sympathy springs from a child like desire to be seen and heard and loved by her mother. You could compare it to a 4 year old's constant desire to be attended to.

Your mother's rather fast attempts of intimacy and descriptions of her own childhood deficits sound emotionally immature to me and that too is a hallmark of the disorder.

Another aspect you may consider is empathy. Does she or has she ever shown real and lasting empathic understanding of you? has she provided you with the same care and vigilance that you provided her with?

Your depression, anxiety and PTSD (I am assuming this is in relation to developmental trauma?) may be related to the effects of carrying such a heavy burden for so long without adequate support or relief (I am guessing here - not diagnosing!)

My own CPTSD I am sure sprang from those things.

Being the caretaker of your mother (and I suspect in some degree your father) as well as siblings is not the job of the child. it is the duty of the parent - one which most welcome.

I feel quite sad for you to have had your childhood usurped like that and instead of being cherished and celebrated, being made responsible for everyone else's wellbeing.

Whilst I am not sure if it's on the reading list of the forum's library, I have found the books of Pete Walker incredibly helpful. Life changing even and I would recommend a read of them. It may give you further understanding of your mother's situation as well as your own

best wishes

Ziggiddy

Hi Ziggiddy

I apologize for the very late reply. When I found this forum, I read so much and it was all so new to me that I got a little overwhelmed and needed to take a break. Now that it's been a little while, and I have had some more time with a therapist I am back reading.

I first off wanted to thank you for finding the time to reply to my post, and for helping me sort through the brand new idea that my mother has BPD tendencies. It was comforting to know that I am not alone in this, and that so many things feel similar with your mother. Also thank you for sharing with me that you also needed to understand it before moving past it.


This fits far too well unfortunately. My mother's mother was a heroin addict and a sometimes-prostitute who I assume was neglectful in her infancy. She then spent time off and on in an orphanage from the time she was 2 until she turned 9 when her father remarried.


No. Everything is about how she feels. Always.


Looks like we have something in common here 

Thank you for recommending the Pete Walker books- I ordered them on your recommendation and have finished reading them. I did find quite a lot of value there and I have been referring back to them. They helped my husband get a better sense of things too. Thank you  :)

I hope you are doing well on your healing. Thank you again for your help

Best Wishes