BPDFamily.com

I have been lurking here for a long time, figured I'd toss my story into the fray.

uBPDxW (hope I got that right) hails from an extremely disordered FOO. That is one strong reason why I played white knight for so long. All were/are "u"s in that family, regardless of behavior there was a very strong aversion to any type of counseling. xW often recounted being "psychologically and physically abused" as a child, at the hands of her M, who fits the Witch/Queen description in "Understanding the Borderline Mother" to a T.

Disorder went back at least to GM, who I only knew as an elderly woman. Now I understand the crazy behavior included dysphoric rage, triangulation, and victim-hood. One rare moment of FOO honesty related how "GF spent his entire life trying to keep her from being mad... ."

Anyhow, we were married for two decades, and dealt with the anger and game playing the entire time. Every holiday featured some type of meltdown, to the point where I would have a pool with my kids to guess who would have the most dramatic fit.  I though by making light of it they would hopefully see the craziness for what it was.

Two decades + of being the savior, lauded continually "if not for Stolen, I'd be just like my Mother".  But then, after seeing so many others painted black, it was my turn.  No explanation beyond "I have to get away from your Control". I tried up every help avenue - Psychological, Medical, Clergy, Relatives, Friends.  She rejected all.

2 Ds (15/19 now) very protective of their M, who separated, isolated, and ultimately alienated them from me, in concert with her newly found BFF - a toxic uNPD-type who may have played the female love interest she always craved.

Divorced now, xW off living as a Lesbian (never a word of honesty of this to me), with Ds crippled with Cognitive Dissonance and extremely alienated from me, with not a word of "Why?".   

So that's the quick story - I stumbled on to BPD when trying to understand MIL's relentless Splitting behavior, then it seemed to perfectly fit xW's years of "level 10 rages", and more precisely her decent into Wonderland in her early 40s. I read through MLC and Peri-menopause, but BPD explained so much more to me.

I consider myself fortunate to be off her merry-go-round, but the loss of my Ds destroys me on a daily basis.  Legal efforts per that situation continue, but Amy Baker's book on PA has me resigned to a poor outcome.  And tragically, one more generation of this evil poison.

Hi Stolen,

*welcome*

I'm sorry to hear that. A 20 year marriage is a long history and you have 2 D's 15 and 19. I'm happy to hear that you had the courage to join after having lurked. It sounds like you have some knowledge on personality disorders.

You're uBPDxW ( you got it right ) left for a same sex partner? How are your D's coping with the news?

How long have you been divorced? I have 3 kids with my uBPDxW and I can understand how heartbreaking that is when we don't have access to our kids.

I have not read Amy Baker's book on Parental Alienation and how is this blocking access to your D's? What efforts is your uBDxW using to deny access?

Many members here can relate and share similar experiences it helps to talk.

Yes - she left for a same-sex partner.  But more to that - initially she launched into a total out-of-character obsessive friendship (sic) with a woman who reeked of toxicity.  Crude, profane, unstable emotionally.  Made the hair on my neck stand up - I just could never understand what the attraction was.  There was much rumor that this was sexual, but no confirmation and the answer to my direct questions re same was always "No". 

She later moved out with the kids (I regrettably agreed to this due to the deteriorating home situation which was unhealthy for the kids - I hoped this would give me more time with the girls without their mother present - Nope). Once moved out, a PI quickly confirmed GF. 

Ds coping with this?  Funny, seemed to align them against me with similar dismissive, arrogant anger that xW had been displaying.  Ds out of my home 3 years now - I have never mentioned the word Lesbian with them.  And they share nothing with me.  The way I see it is that xW was unable/unwilling to be honest with her quest, so how could I expect the kids to be honest with me?  They have been drawn into the same shameful lie, by no fault of their own.  Having been raised with traditional Judeo-Christian values (in fact they have always attended Christian schools with prayer and scripture as part of the curriculum), just imagine the cognitive dissonance this behavior must have caused them.

Divorced about a year and a half now.  Totally frustrated by the court system - spending a fortune and accomplishing very little.  Kids old enough to decide what they want to do. What they want to do is avoid me, probably because of above dissonance.  xW blocking access?  That's a hard one to answer since they have been so isolated from me. I have tried to get them to counseling, GAL and xW strongly protest.  So frustrating. Court seems unable/unwilling to do anything here.  Interesting - the single time they met with a Pdoc, when gently queried on "why don't you want to see your Dad?"  the answer was "we are concerned he will be critical of our Mother".  Chew on that one for a bit... .

The Amy Baker book is excellent - "Adult Children of Parental Alienation... ."  I did not mean that this book was impeding access in any way, rather the content portends a likely poor outcome.  As contrasted to normal teen rebellion, PA does not often cure when the kids hit 19, 21, 25 etc., but often lasts a lifetime.  Of the cases Baker studied, I think the average duration from alienation to enlightenment was around 20 years - and this is only for cases where there was such enlightenment.  PA is the gift that just keeps giving in many cases.

Besides Baker I have read much of Gardner's work, and the more current stuff from Craig Childress.  While they differ on many points, they do agree that without the intervention of the Court, there is very little a targeted parent can do to combat PA.  That is my life. 

What kinds of things does your ex partner say to the kids?

Are other family members in your family cut off from your D's?

It sounds like you are versed with PA and I am sorry that you are going through this. You may want to take a look at our lessons with dealing with parental alienation when an ex partner suffers from mental illness and may find that something that can help your situation.

Lesson 6: Dealing with Parental Alienation (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331467#msg1331467)

I can understand how frustrating that would be to spend a vast amount of money in court and not have access to your kids. Many members on the legal board [L3] Family law, divorce, and custody (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0) can offer support and guidance with navigating through the legal system when a parent suffers an invisible and difficult to detect disorder.

How's your support system with family and friends? Are you seeing a T?

What kinds of things does your ex partner say to the kids?

I have no clue - they are completely isolated from me. When I have tried to (gently) inquire about why they don't want to see me I get very little from them, and nothing substantive.  "Explanations" per xW and GAL are along the lines of "he talks about himself too much... ."   Nonsense - I spend much of my limited exposure to them asking softball questions that most often get one word answers. When it feels like an inquisition, I'll let them know what is going on in my life.  I guess that is my supreme transgression?   Gardner made note of such frivolous "reasons" for estrangement, including such sins as "he chews with his mouth open", "he tells us to go to bed too early", etc.  But I don't even get those... .


Are other family members in your family cut off from your D's?

My mother is only real family on my side - there are two Christmas cards (with checks) for kids here in my house.  From Christmas 2013.  They know the cards are here. They know she always sends money. They don't care.   They are my mother's only grandchildren.

Interesting - xW's FOO - GM completely cut off GF's family, and spewed hate at them into her 90s. MIL completely cut off FIL's family, and I heard years of hateful rants against them.

Anyone doubt heritability of this sickness?


How's your support system with family and friends? Are you seeing a T?

Friends have been great. Many of them were friends of my xW's also.  They were all painted black and discarded, most prior to me.  More than one (and these are mature women) came to me distraught, asking "what did I do to have her cut me off?"   

Interesting case - my favorite couple, solid, mature, successful. The W gets split by xW, no explanation at all.  When I questioned, then refused to accept the exile, I think this was the start of the end for me.  And same case - this couple was GREAT to my kids - knew them from toddlers. Once xW split them Black, when my younger D would walk past their house (around the block), she would now always cross the street and walk on the other side with her head down.  She must have been instructed to avoid... .  when I heard this, it really gave me a chill.  They use the children like weapons.  Disgraceful.

Ts?  Yep - early on I sought one out, right after xW refused to see one: "I'll never go, you are smarter than me and you will make me look bad... .".

I still see T #1 to this day, not regularly though.  Spent time with the priest who married us 20 years prior, he was surprisingly in tune.  T #1 is male,  I then saw a woman T for another perspective and hope she would be "acceptable" to xW.  Nope.  Then I saw T #3, another woman who had Court connections, and who was the only one that kids met with - once. Con Joint session then scheduled, delayed, delayed, delayed, never happened.  Oh - then via BPD research met T #4,  a BPD published pDoc who I was able to get deeper into the specifics of the Cluster B world with.  Informative, but just as moot in the end.  She was the one who convinced me to stop trying so hard, and "detach, with love".

It's sad to hear that your D's and their family members are splitting loved ones; life is somewhere in the grey area and it's a testament as to how destructive seeing some as "all bad" can be. I am sorry.

Children have their own unconditional love and it's sad to hear that their alienated from the other parent.

Do you have contact with uBPDexW?

I have no contact with her, save seeing her in Court.  After years of her lies, any communication with her would be akin to asking the Crack Addict who just mugged you, to help you find your wallet... .

The lying is central to her personality - I've seen this debated back and forth whether its core to BPD, but I think it is. Closely related to the whole no-empathy issue I think, there is just a lack of basic moral grounding.

One haunting echo in my head is recalling the many times evil MIL would rail at xW for her "mendacity".   Pot calling the Kettle black, for sure, but oh so true as it turned out.