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I'm sorry... .just praying out loud I guess... .

In the depths of my despair on saturday

... I prayed for a way out... .as he was raging at me at 3am wanting to have a "conversation" while flicking me off.


I prayed so hard for a way out at the time.

And now that i'm out... .i'm lost. I'm out and miserable. And he's probably f*cking some whore... .while I am sitting here watching a spider eat a fly stuck in its web.

I dont understand how someone can completely disregard how much they were loved... .and that someone would have given their life for them. And I dont understand how I can go from wanting out so desperately that I am praying to god out loud... .to being on the floor in shambles. It all hurts so f*cking bad.

If suffering on earth is reflective of the reward in heaven... .i've had enough.

Hi cloudten,

I can understand how bad this hurts  . It sounds like Saturday was a terrible night. I'm sorry to hear your going through all of this. How was your DD5 over the weekend?

cloudten,

I felt so hopeless in my r/s, so devalued no matter what I tried, that I felt like wandering into the hills, literally. I didn't want to be where I was at, despite my kids they'd be taken care of financially.

My ex, by her actions,  made the choice easier for me to let her go. Despite being motivated by the seperation, I often still felt the same way. I didn't want to be here; I wanted to go Home. I just want to say that you're not alone in these feelings. I cycle; it's temporary. Then another cycle. Are you reaching out to others in your life for support?

Thanks... .I am faking it today. I look and feel like crap. I do have a therapist. I lost most of my friends because either he wanted me to cut them out of my life or they got tired of hearing my drama. I swear I am not a dramatic person. My best friend (by default because all of my other "best friends" bailed when I recycled the crazy man) told me last night that her fiancee thinks I am a train wreck.  :'(  I swear I am not the train wreck.  my BPDx made me the train wreck. I just hope I can get back to whatever my new baseline normal is... .less train wreck-ish.  After my friend left the bar last night, I kept getting hit on by this 55 year old dude... .and it just made me feel more like crap.  between the train wreck comment, the 55 year old creeper, and missing my x, I am a mess. I am failing.  I haven't had any communication from him since tuesday morning. Of course he is blocked in every way imaginable. But I sort of expected an email or a note on my door by now. maybe he finally got the hint. when do i stop looking for him? The obsession is getting old.

and wandering thru the hills... .i totally get that.

Fortunately my DD6 (she had a birthday  *) ) was fine. She was with her father for the weekend, so at least she was protected from this insanity.  I'm so glad she missed this rage.  She didn't miss the one before it though.  Nothing has made me feel more guilty about exposing her to such a mentally unstable person in a dysregulated fit.

That isn't helpful. The friends who supported me got tired of me talking about BPD, even the one with the dBPD little sister. What are you doing to take care of yourself? Do you have a connection with a church community?

I felt the same way... .I wanted out so bad... .my anxiety was through the roof and couldn't stand her anymore... .when I finally had enough there was a temporary relief and anxiety decreased right away... .after a few weeks reality set in and that's when the hard work began... .the hardest part was realizing how easy it was for her to move on while I was struggling in the wreckage of an abusive relationship... .it takes time but doing little things daily to better yourself and your life you will recover eventually.

Hi cloudten,

It's good to hear your DD6 was at her father's. I'd like to echo Turkish and invalidation. I didn't find it helpful or supportive when I was going through a lot of pain with the break-up and was invalidated. I'm sorry.

Oddly enough, I stopped going to church when I met my pwBPD. Even though he was Catholic, he was atheistic and would rage at me for being a Christian. I was surprised when he didn't burn alive stepping into the church for his brother's wedding. lol

I realize it is something I need to do again. I need to find a church to attend to help anchor me again.

Yes, I had a day of temporary relief. I called one friend and he goes "Wow you sound AMAZING! You sound like yourself again!"  Well, that was short lived. Now I am in that wreckage again. I miss him... .I don't know why because he was the devil and the worst thing to ever happen to me.

I know that when I start singing again as I'm doing household chores and stuff, that I will be on the upswing. I know I am a happy person. I suppose I am not willing to accept that I am going to have bad days. I need to be more compassionate with myself, I guess. I have been thru a lot.

It kills me that he can just move right along to someone else. I think that's the worst part for me... .because he was for me... .but he's going to move right along to someone else (already has).

Thanks- but she is probably right. From the outside and from the inside, the relationship was a train wreck... .and that did translate to me.  But thanks. I'm not taking it personally. I know that when I become my new-and-improved version of my normal, less crazy self, that I won't appear to be a train wreck anymore.

You might miss him because you made him a huge part of your life and haven't filled the void up with more empowering things yet.  The train wreck comment could be used as confirmation and honest feedback, and a cool thing about collapsing our lives down to nothing is we get to rebuild them and create our own life of our dreams, better than before because we have more information now, might have learned a thing or two about ourselves during the experience.  And detaching isn't linear, but two steps forward and one step back is still one step forward, so it's good to stay focused on that vision for your awesome future, makes it easier to weather the bumps and keep your footing.

cloudten,

Kudos to you for taking control of your life and your destiny. We all know that you are hurting now. We have all been there. That's okay, don't run from it. Hell, embrace it. Accept that it is temporary.

That circular thinking that you're in will eventually lessen until it eventually fully dissipates. Unfortunately, at least that I am aware of, there is no way to avoid the hurt and pain. But, here again, rather than let it consume you, take a proactive step here as well, take ownership of it rather than it owning you. Embrace it. As you have recognized, you are going to be a better person when you exit on the other side of this. Kudos to you, wise and mature thinking. Again, embrace this for what it is, a growth opportunity for yourself. (Notice that "he" was not mentioned in any of what I just said.)

As a fellow Christian, I recommend breaking the Bible out, turning to Proverbs and begin reading. The wisdom contained therein can transform your thinking. It will arm you and armor you for navigating  life. As an added bonus, your mind is now engaged in positive pursuits rather than negative ones. We are with you and here for you.

Hey,

What you did was incredibly brave. Please don't forget that. You stood up for yourself and protected yourself. By leaving from your abusive relationship you saved yourself. I know that it doesn't feel like that at all right now.

I wanted to comment on what you said regarding your ex finding someone new. It is extremely hurtful in the moment. I never found out if my ex moved on to someone new. And if she did, then when. I don't know if the next weekend she went out and found someone for the night or if she is still single. All I can offer to you is what I have realized over the past months - Your genuine love is why you're grieving and the thought of finding someone is impossible. It's sickening. But time will help. I know that's a trite thing to say, but it was true for me. I eventually accepted that the love I felt for my ex is of a different nature than what she returned. It was imbalanced. Whether she moved on immediately or not is irrelevant as a measuring stick of what she felt for me during the relationship. After I realized this, it became less meaningful as to what she did the day after we broke up.

You can be proud of the devotion and love you gave. In some ways this relationship was a very hard lesson in showing you just what you are capable of giving to another person. When you find someone right, things will click amazingly.

This is really helpful, thanks for sharing