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What triggers a BPD/npd to loose respect and begin the devaluing via verbal abuse and if boundaries / ultimatums are set in place can that stop the abuse or does it escalate it

LostOne, I am not an expert but can share my experience and knowledge on your question.

If I understand the literature well enough it is the relationship itself that is the trigger, specifically fear of intimacy.  Relationships with pwBPD traits cycle through various stages, the final stage is devaluing.  It is not a linear process where the r/s goes from idealization straight to devaluing and may actually saw back and forth between stages.  Further, the cycle may take weeks, months or years to go through.  Each case is unique. 

In my opinion, there is no ultimatum or boundary that can stop this from happening if the pwBPD does not acknowledge the cycle of behavior that they are involved in.  It sounds a little too simplistic but the summary is, if you do not know you have a problem then you cannot address it.

I went to therapy with my BP for years, all sessions completed before I knew about BP.  I was aware of her behaviors and addressed them directly only to be caste as the one to blame for said behaviors.  Blaming is a hallmark trait of pwBPD.  When I tried to use facts and logic this failed as well as she simply altered the facts to fit her feelings.  Another hallmark of BPD, called history revisionism. Just from these 2 traits you can begin to get the sense that there is little that we can do to change a BP.  One of my favorite reading quotes says; we tried to change the BP and it had no effect, but we sure did change.

At the core of all of their feelings is a deep wound that feels unmanageable  and which must be hidden at all costs as the pain of facing it is too great.  If you take this one idea and incorporate it into your question what this modified question would sound like is; Can I get my pwBPD to address their core wounds if I place an ultimatum on them?  Despite my lack of knowledge, i can be about 100% certain that the answer to that question is no.  If they do not or cannot see it themselves, no external pressure will get them to suddenly recognize their the associated behaviors.

Hope this helps.

I'm pretty sure my lose of respect for her triggered her brutal devaluing of me... .I pretty much checked out the last 6 months to a year of the relationship... .I probably should have left a lot sooner when I found out about BPD... .I only further hurt her and myself.

What I saw in my r/s, and have read countless times here, is that when the person projects their negativity they see you as 'bad' and lose/withdraw their respect for you (even if the things they're 'seeing' aren't true).

The loss of respect in my case happened a max of 2 months after we moved in - the lies started, and the lies got found out, confrontations about the lies, me being painted black, and blacker, more lies, intuition she was cheating, telling her I found out more lies, and it goes from there.

She devalued me in the blink of an eye, and the first hint of a row she would be on a dating site, my instincts said she would be - and I caught her - and it goes on - and on.

As per everyone else I was always the bad one, the fact she disappeared for days etc and she was always the victim.

She had no respect for me. my family, my two dogs or property and would do anything to destroy everything close to me. She concocted a fantasyland to her friends about me who had never met - bear in mind these 'friends' were acquaintances who she met online, were on her Facebook and believed the woe is me stories and hardly knew her as a real person.

My experience is that we can extend to others what we're capable of giving to ourselves.  If we have self-respect we are able to respect others. 

Did we really lose the respect of our SO?  How can you lose something that your SO may not have been capable of offering, not just in their interaction with us, but also the world-at-large? 

Do they respect? Do they love? Very common questions around here, for good reason. I think, being human, they do. But being disordered, can't do it consistently or with much reciprocity. PwBPD compare themselves with their partners, friends, etc. so much, and so harshly, that the respect and love eventually become something torn apart. The mirror gets smashed.

I read a post by a BPD woman who is in a relationship with a man who has firm boundaries... she is aware he will cut and run if she doesn't tow the line and act in a respectful manner... she said that the fear of abandonment by him keeps her in line and she has a greater respect for him... .although I did tell my ex I wasn't happy with the disrespect even stating once that I'd throw her out if it continued I didn't enforce it and because she was aware I would not throw her out she disrespected me further till the point where she was forced to move out because the hatred her daughter had for me was too much for both of us ... she said we should live apart but not break up and I agreed but said that if it wasn't working for either of us we break up like adults... a week later we were done... she most likely feared abandonment and because she was also cheating and had lined up multiple supply's she discarded me.

PwNPD differ from pwBPD with devaluation.  The inflated false-self of a narcissist, is reliant on a sense of entitlement and grandiosity. The inflated false-self of a pwNPD makes it difficult to achieve intimacy within a relationship, because he/she is not able to relate to someone outside of the context of his/her unrealistic projections/expectations for their partner. There is an expectation from a pwNPD to be revered and idealized by their partner. The expectations are very hard for anyone to live up to. When the partner fails to meet expectations, a pwNPD becomes frustrated with the lack of admiration/praise/idealization and resorts to rage and externalized projection on the partner. Subsequently, a pwNPD will devalue their partner. A pwNPD's sense of entitlement blinds him/her from realizing that the dissatisfaction in the relationship is a result of their own behavior.  A pwNPD feels entitled for narcissistic supply and thus is reinforced through money, power, success, and a partner who displays the same "traits" to boost the inflated false-self.

I don't know about that... .I just got a major promotion, was about to buy her a massive ring, and a house... The money and power didn't run out. In fact, I think that's what made her run.

That or I started to stand up for myself more.

I believe this is what happened to me.  I did it with the best of intentions for a better US, but, I think it was intimidating to her... .