Title: 6 months since, Questions on healing Post by: disorderedsociety on July 19, 2015, 10:41:23 AM It's been since January the last time I saw her. She's sent me random texts every 2-3 months that I haven't answered.
Some say that during the process of breaking off there's a small window of time during which its best to work on issues that were brought to the surface by this relationship. Now how does one go about doing that? It's enough work convincing myself daily that she was indeed crazy (even though she was diagnosed BPD) and that her new boyfriend will experience problems too. But I'm tired of thinking about that, they don't deserve my time or my thoughts. They've even been in my dreams. The way I always understood it was that these things work mainly on a subconscious level so what is it I must consciously do? And although I feel stronger and as if I've rid myself of a lot of crazy-making behaviors I picked up, I feel like I'm in a very vulnerable spot since I feel lonely. I find myself hoping to meet someone but I know its not a good idea until these problems are truly resolved. Title: Re: 6 months since, Questions on healing Post by: chill1986 on July 19, 2015, 10:51:10 AM Depends on the problems. Some nons have some traits of other personality disorders, I know I have narcissistic traits. You could work on them if you have them?
My ex constantly pointed out my flaws especially towards the end. I am trying to undo those flaws in my character, not for her, but for me. I don't want people to use them against me, even though they aren't bad. Some of them she pointed out and used as an excuse to break up with me were; - I don't eat fish - I didn't walk enough (she had a dog and early on we used to walk together, this stopped later on, she never invited me to and when I asked to she said I didn't really want to) - I didn't see my friends enough (we had just moved and I started a new job) - I didn't have enough hobbies (see above) So my solutions; - I have been trying to ween myself onto fish. Eating fish cakes, prawns and squid. - I walk twice a week - I meet up with my friends a couple of times a week - other than the above I go to the gym, run and play golf. Now I know these seem superficial and insignificant, but improving yourself and trying new things builds confidence, get out there and meet new girls, or even just new people. Title: Re: 6 months since, Questions on healing Post by: disorderedsociety on July 19, 2015, 11:15:12 AM Depends on the problems. Some nons have some traits of other personality disorders, I know I have narcissistic traits. You could work on them if you have them? My ex constantly pointed out my flaws especially towards the end. I am trying to undo those flaws in my character, not for her, but for me. I don't want people to use them against me, even though they aren't bad. I took one of those unofficial tests recently, its funny because my results were better now than before I met her. I used to score High or Very High on at least one, but I got Low on Schizoid, Schizotypal, Avoidant and (surprisingly?) Dependent. Moderate on Paranoid, Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, Narcissistic and Obsessive-Compulsive. I've found that taking my ADHD meds helps a lot. I still get stuck in anger toward them though and ruminate on whether they're better matched or happier. It sucks but work keeps me pretty distracted. Title: Re: 6 months since, Questions on healing Post by: chill1986 on July 19, 2015, 11:22:51 AM I am not surprised, I think my relationship with my ex changed me. I am less narcissistic than I was, I am more empathetic and think more outwardly than inward. More focussed.
Our experiences mould who we are, and a relationship with a pwBPD is certainly an experience ha! Title: Re: 6 months since, Questions on healing Post by: joeramabeme on July 19, 2015, 08:19:10 PM Some say that during the process of breaking off there's a small window of time during which its best to work on issues that were brought to the surface by this relationship. Now how does one go about doing that? The way I have done it is by Journaling my thoughts and feelings about the r/s, therapy and reading about BPD. I have found a couple of gems that I need to work on. Most of my stuff revolves around being a caretaker as a way to be loved and avoid some of my own past pains by focusing on someone elses. I feel like I'm in a very vulnerable spot since I feel lonely. I find myself hoping to meet someone but I know its not a good idea until these problems are truly resolved. Good catch on your part. The knee jerk reaction is to go meet someone else and distract ourselves. I too share that loneliness feeling but will not get involved until I have a good sense of what my part was in all of this and feel confident that I wont blindly walk into another trip-wire of dysfunction. Title: Re: 6 months since, Questions on healing Post by: sas1729 on July 20, 2015, 09:59:57 AM Hey disorderedsociety,
I'm very much in the same timeframe as you. Seven months out. I would venture to say that at this point I look at my past relationship with my BPDex with nothing more than a clinical curiosity. I can tell you what I did that helped me but it may not work well for everyone. The first thing that I should say though is that by the end when I broke up with my ex things had slid to a point where it was inevitable. I was very upset and a shell of who I used to be (this is an important point). I ended things definitely. What I immediately noticed after breaking up is that I was a shell of who I used to be. My identity (hobbies, interests, friendships) were basically broken down. So it was more the fear of facing the world alone than of losing my ex that was difficult. So what helped was a couple of things. First, to her credit she never contacted me again. I wondered about her for a while (and still passively do) but the NC was firm. That did help a lot and I know it's not always in everyone's control. But I suggest trying to maintain or establish an environment of NC. Second, try to change your physical surroundings for a while. Redecorate or reorganize your living space. Get rid of all triggers (gifts and things you got together). If you want to, obviously. I did. It was difficult but now I am glad that I have done that. I actually was able to move to a new apt shortly after the breakup, which helped, but I know it's not possible for everyone to do that. Third, and this is what helped me a lot, is to try to get out there again in the social world. Reconnecting with friends and family is great, but this is also an opportunity to go on casual dates. If you're not ready for a relationship that's fine! But think about making a dating profile. It's fun and a way for you to remember just how great of a person you are! It also gives you a chance to see how many people are out there. If you go on casual dates that's great too. That actually really helped me. It was amazing to go on first dates and be proud of myself and meet people who were genuinely interested. And, you know, you may find a person who is a good fit and likes you for who you are :) If you don't want to go on casual dates then I suggest trying to find another social outlet. As silly as it sounds, there are many adult leagues for sports that vary from kickball to softball. Kickball is what I do, and it's not about competition. It's about meeting new people and finding new friends. The key is to get out there in the social world. When your social sphere is dominated by echoes from the past it is difficult to move on. Look up WAKA - world adult kickball association. Or try to look up meetups online for various things - be it food related or language related or whatever. I found that one of the hardest things for me was to be alone. I had trouble being alone because my life was so dominated by my ex. Finding myself through interacting with other people helped me and it continues to help me. The key is that you don't have to jump into another relationship but you can form new ones anyway. |