BPDFamily.com

My husband of 31+ years who is diagnosed BPD and refuses treatement uses the guilt thing of "would you like to make love to your husband" ... .what do you say to that ... .No? so he has more ammo to throw at you in the next hot and heated argument? Not worth it, so I say yes of course. We are new to this area and I don't know anyone, there is no support. He is highly functial most of the time and very good at what he does. He got a job last year and we moved out of state for the job and to be near our granddaughters. He kept the job for about a year (he's never held a job for more than a year) until he decided they were all lying to him, they told him they needed him, he was a rockstar, but no, he knew better, they were all conspiring to use him and would not give him the security he needed... .a guarantee that he would stay on day shift, they would never reduce his wage, and they would put a personal project through their shop so he could fulfill orders he took 2 years ago which put us about $50K in debt if he doesn't finish. He took a job with another co that were dazzled by his experience (with no chance of finishing the side project). Then his old co called him asking for his help, which he went this last Friday... .everyone was so grateful he came back, like I said he's good at what he does, they're all asking him what would it take for you to come back opening the doors for all his demands. to make matters worse, he's tlaking to a company he used to work at before we moved (mind you he HATED this job) but the mere fact they want him back, he's considering. He's told this new job his marriage is done and he's looking for a way out, all the while telling me he really wants to make it work. In the 31 + years we've been married (4 kids, 3 grandkids) he has attempted suicide at least 15 times and I have always been so concerned with what my kids or my husband was going through, I never really allowed myself to feel the grief, guilt, anger, I was always trying to make sure everyone else was ok. So last weekend, I recognized I was abusing alcohol so I wouldn;t feel the full impact of my reality. I decided to stop drinking all the time which was 5 out of 7 days a week (sidenote: hubby goes to the bar everyday except when he has worship practice at church on Thursdays, I know I have been trying to reconcile for years how he could be such a Mr Hyde to me and our kids, hit the bar every night except for practice, and be that oh so religious man on Sunday mornings) because I was doing more damage to me than anyone. The first few days were tough, all the things I was trying to numb myself from were front and center, then I read an article on the effects of family members of suicidal attempts, emotional abuse, threats to leave (he is the major bread winner) could be symptoms of PTSD, which I'm not totally buying into right now. The one thing I have realized since I stopped drinking is how totallt F'd up things are and have been for some time. Insurance from the new job kick in on 8/1 and I'm going to try and get lined up with a therapist, in the meantime I have joined a fitness club so I can at least go and get some excercise, get out of the house. I guess what I don't understand is how he can be talking about how living with me is total hell and he doesn't want to be here, then in the same day ask if I 'care' to "make love" to my husband... .I did and I feel like sh&*! Sorry if this is to graphic or personal, I like to think of myself as a strong woman with Grace and dignity... .just not feeling that right now, I feel used for his gratification.

I can well imagine the abuse you have gone through in 31 years. I was married for 35, and put up with some crazy stuff. I ended up going to an abuse counselor to try to heal from the insanity of my BPD spouse.

I found out that the only chance I had in order to heal was to divorce my ex and maintain no contact. Best thing I ever did for myself!  My days are peaceful and no more anxiety. I have a job that provides my benefits and I don't have to worry about him because he isn't my problem anymore.  :)

Hi Wait . What? You are in a tough situation (as most of us are on this site).  This is excellent support for BPD.  It sounds like you and hubby both might also qualify for AA ("The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking." and Alanon  ( "The only requirement is that there be a relative or friend with a drinking problem."

Both of these programs have been great/life changing for me. I've been sober in AA for decades . I've been in Alanon for 6 years and was referred there by a therapist who told me that it would be enormously helpful to me in dealing with my uBPDw.  It has been incredibly helpful. I have changed. I have learned to establish boundries. This has increased my freedom and resulted in changes for my wife too.

Finally,read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" a basic text on BPD, And start doing the lessons on this site. See side bar.  All best to you and welcome here. THEO