BPDFamily.com

Am I On The Right Track?

I am at sort of a weird place.  uBPDw has moved 3000 miles away from two teenage daughters and myself.  Has been gone for a year.  Been doing research and she seems to fit the BPD diagnosis better with each piece read.  I find myself trying to fit observed behaviors in to listed symptoms and the fit is good.  We communicate weekly by phone and daily by text but there is no depth to it.  Just nuts and bolts operational stuff.  We agreed verbally to observe the vows of our marriage.  We HAD planned to move to where she is (1.5 miles from her parents house) in 2 yrs time after retirement from 20 yr careers.  She orchestrated her move early thru underhanded and deceitful methods which were discovered after she had left.

Let me say here I am committed to staying (though I have some fears about whether this is a tenable position)

Unfortunately, I seem to have enabled her staying and not returning by telling her it was OK to stay and lay groundwork for me to join her.  Im sure she is "gaslighting" this to justify her continued absence.  We have not seen her in 6 mos and wife has almost zero contact/interaction w girls.

Since she has left relationship w daughters has _never been better_... .EVER.  We are relaxed and at ease & they willingly help to upkeep a lg 3 BR home in a rural setting.  We discuss poss. futures which incl. their mom AND not.  I assure them they may be able to resume a deeper relationship w mom later in life & shouldn't lose hope. 

The PROBLEM - Youngest is 2 yrs from graduation.  I wonder if I can keep this going at least until then.  Mom has explosive temper and can get mean very fast.  Also, wife's parents have large financial resources avail. for legal actions if needed.  I find it likely they would use court to compel visiting rights - though they would likely have to come to me and not the reverse.

I am still in a commonly owned house.  She has asked verbally to sell and liberate her portion of equity.  Then relented and said we could stay until youngest graduates.  My efforts @ keeping things light seems to be helping.  Youngest is 16 and likely would not be compelled by court to live w or visit mom IF a divorce were forced by W. 

Girls and I anxious about spending time around W or her family (5 siblings and parents all live within 2 miles of ea other).  I have already denied request for girls to visit this summer.  Request for all of us to travel there for Christmas has been made.  Counselor and people in the know grimace at this idea.  I am almost certain refusals to visit her @ Christmas will force attitude of “Okay, if you’re done with me I am done with you.  Divorce please!”  Girls and I would be OK w her visiting us where we live. 



QUESTIONS that keep me up at night... .

1) Apart from the help and sympathy/empathy I get from bpdfamily, am I alone in "standing" in this relationship?

2)How do I ease my fears at possible divorce from unstable wife?

3)How do I gain skills and confidence to address issues that are emotionally charged? 

4)How to handle visiting her near her family (where she lives) w/o further emotional trauma to girls?***



*** Girls find in-laws to be very intense, easily upset people.  Conversation is a minefield - esp w politics and religion.  My daughters have a liberal bent, & any praise for democratic candidates made in off-hand way would result in a big blow-out and efforts made to educate my daughters about the proper way to think.  In way of example, when I was visiting the family as an undergrad, I mentioned I might be thinking of attending a local college in neighboring town for master’s degree.  Entire family in house piled in to two cars and on the spot made a 5 hour round trip to the college (which was closed) so I could look.  I think I spent 5 minutes looking, said “Wow!” and got back in the car.