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Around the time my husband was starting to see someone else (I didn't know)... .he started being really mean to me, causing fights and he wasn't nice to my family when they came to town for Thanksgiving. He was the one to invite them! After they left... .one morning he came home after telling me he spent the night at a friends ( now I know-not true)... .told me he wanted a divorce. I started to cry and he changed his mind. Before Xmas we went out for dinner. At the table he told me that he hated me and couldn't wait to get rid of me and our house... (it was for sale). I almost wonder if he just told me he was getting promoted and we would have to move, as to put the house on the market). This is awful, but I am totally seeing him as a devious manipulating liar. I don't know how far he would go! After catch him in bed with this co- worker on Xmas, he may even wanted me to find her to end it. She was leaving town, so I didn't think he was planning anything serious with her. He actually started up with one he was "flirting with" in February after we separated. He is now in a relationship with her... .yet calling me and texting me that he is thinking about me. Still telling me he loves me.  I almost feel like the only reason he is saying that is because he is stringing me along in case he needs me for money or something. He tells me we may change our mind about divorcing- strange.This gf thinks he is husband material and seems to be pushing him in that direction. Neither of them are divorced! I don't agree with any of this getting back together stuff  of course. I just am trying to understand if this is a push-pull thing or does he really want out and not sure. His mother says he doesn't know what he wants. The problem is- I want allot more. He has pushed me totally away. Maybe he doesn't care... .but this situation seems so calculated, so I just wanted someones opinion as to what has gone on here... .

Hey Blue-


Think attachments with borderlines, and the fear of losing them, it's the core of the disorder, and it's survival based, to the point he may feel like he literally doesn't exist without one.  And I said feel, not think, because the disorder starts so early in development that it gets hardwired into the personality and shows up as feelings, not thoughts, bad ones, which inspires him to establish and constantly test attachments to see if they're in place, even though he might have others, spreads out the risk of being entirely abandoned.  So if he knows you love or loved him he can easily test the attachment by telling you he loves you.  It's not malicious, it's survival-based and has nothing to do with rational thought or your relationship history.  Standard borderline there, see if any of it could apply.

One other comment about whether this is push/pull, it doesnt sound that way.  That is usually when there is a desire to be in direct relationship.  This sounds a little more like manipulation and his own insecurity about why he is at where he is at. 

I read on one of these posts last night that at the point that we start giving into what the pwBPD wants, we start to lose the r/s.  I know this must be excruciatingly painful for you but one of the best things you can do for yourself and your marriage is try to think of what YOU Need.  If it is to protect your emotional well being, then do that.  If it is to close the door to him and stop responding to phone calls texts and emails then do that too.

It sounds counter intuitive and that you would then be proving his doubts about your love, but being with a pwBPD can feel unintuitive at times. 

What is it that you think you need to do for yourself?  Do you have any close friends that you can talk to about the r/s and suspected BPD condition that will understand?