BPDFamily.com

Hey everyone!

I had to come here and share my most recent attempt to try and "support" my uBPDm, who also has other diagnosed mental health and physical conditions.

A little backstory:

She needs two surgeries that she's been putting off due to anxiety for over 5 years. Ninty-Five percent of all she ever talks about with me is that she needs these surgeries, and how bad her pain is. She's made countless appointments to see surgeons over the years and has cancelled almost all of them.

As you can imagine, I no longer believe her when she says she has an appointment to go and see about getting these things taken care of. Our relationship has been more of a burden than a relationship with her constantly "crying wolf" and yet continually asking me to "support her" and "give her encouragement".

Recently, I decided to tell her something I'd been feeling for a long time: Her inability/unwillingness to get her health issues taken care of is making it very difficult for me to have a relationship with her. This was a BIG risk, but for some reason this time, she took it to heart instead of turning me into the devil.

I managed to move the conversation towards finding her a therapist. I told her (once again - I've done this before) that I'd be happy to find a short list of therapists that she might like and email them to her. Much to my surprise, she picked one the very next day and even called her to set up an appointment!

Now, of course, I was cautiously optimistic at best. But, she made a appointment!

Fast forward to today. She's made and CANCELLED two appointments with the therapist. Surprised? No. But, get this... .

My Mom tells me that the therapist called her back after the cancellation message she left today and, after my Mom told her about all of her health issues and "surgeries coming up", the therapist said this may not be a good time to start therapy and to call her back when she was physically feeling better.

DOH!

Then, I fell into the trap: I said "well, she doesn't know that you've been having anxiety about getting your medical stuff taken care of, and maybe you need her support while you are getting them done".

BAM.

That was all she needed to tell me that I need to "support her" and "keep my opinions to myself". I'll spare you all the other states of being she accused me of.

*Slaps Forehead*

That sounds very frustrating, but cancelling therapy (do you believe that the T told her that?) follows the pattern.

You're trapped in the drama. Do you need to cut off the r/s, or just assert strong boundaries, like winding down conversations when she goes Waif? She won't stand up for herself because you're doing what she should be doing. You can assure her (using SET) that you will drive her to the hospital, be there through her recovery, but that you aren't going to talk about it with her anymore until that day.

Sounds about right. Even when I’ve heard accounts of BPD being in therapy, they play games with the therapist, so... .In the UK they advocate group therapy for BPD, might be to save money, but I’m told it’s because they react better in a group dynamic.

But can I just applaud your use of BAM, DOH and “Slap forehead”, as it made me smile.