BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

I just found out that my exBPD bf got married within the year of us breaking up. He had devauled me and dumped me seemingly out of nowhere but I can now assume he had my repacement in line. All this time I have read stories of others being replaced so quickly but I was naive enough not to get it... .again. "I am not the exception to the rule!"  When will I get that!

When we were together I thought I was special and he would never do to me what he had done to other ex's and friends, cut them off... but he did. Then when I discover his issues and learned about the disorder I do it again! I thought all of your replacement stories didn't apply to my situation. I didn't think that because of me or what we had was anything more than others shared, I (wishfully) believed he was not capable and didn't have that characteristic. So finding this out and seeing the pictures is even more of a shock. At least other people were being more realistic than I was!

What bothers me is remembering how I was in the fetal position for months and now knowing he never experienced one ounce of pain over me.  They were on vacation visitng his family (who adored me) within months. Me, I had my mother wondering what more she can do to help me breath. That pisses me off so badly I can't even tell you.  On the flip side I am trying to see that getting engaged within months of an intense year long relationship, only solidifies he was not well, not ready for a mature committed relationship, and never reflected or proceesed anything.  We ourselves were looking to get married and were discussing moving in.  He simply picked up were we left off and popped my replacement into the plan.  She looks similar to me as well.  They got married in the manner we discussed, destination. 

I am processing the news as best I can and I am grateful that I only found this out now because i know I am capable of dealing with it.  If I had known this at the time I would have lost my mind. It's ironic because at the time all i wanted so badly was to understand what had caused this. Somehow the universe gently led me to the awareness of BPD but not the actual detail at the time. 

I know many of you have experienced this, even after years of marriage, and I know that I will be ok, I just wanted to get it out and process it here.  If anyone can relate, hearing from others who totally get it always helps.

Thanks for letting me get it out.  (You know that feeling when you first wake up when something hard has happened in your life... .)

hey lilflower 

i trust you when you say youll be okay. i too am glad you got this news later rather than sooner, i can see where it would help. still, i can see where this might be a pretty big shock to the system, and dig up some hurt, anger, and questions. i think that deserves to be acknowledged  .

i can certainly relate to thinking i was the exception to the rule, in several ways. its a common reason that we overlook red flags. before we got together, our mutual friend told me shed been with her (my ex) when she stole money from her more recent ex. sat there and justified it too. i abhor stealing. i dont think for a second during my relationship that i would have imagined shed do the same to me. seemed like a one time thing. long story short, it wasnt, and it happened to me.

i thought our relationship was special (it was, in plenty of ways) and that i was too. after we broke up, i was convinced i must have had a great impact on her/her disorder, at least. i didnt, or at least not the kind i was thinking. which is sad, but it says nothing about me or any of us.

so have you gotten to the bottom of why you believed, despite his actions, that you would be the exception, and why you continue to struggle with the notion? theres a lot of freedom in the answer to these questions.

He is feeling pain.

People with BPD have serious inner turmoil. I imagine everything else just hurts too much to be bothered by a breakup.

Us nons will recover, while they have a very small chance too. Every relationship they will ever have is going to have the same exact issues.

Thank you for the acknwoledement OR. I am all for freedom from this!

I think I  believed I was the exception to the rule has to do with co dependency.  Like you, I hoped that I had made an impact on this person and seeing his smiling face made me feel like I was the furthest thing from special.

Even though I moved into a better place a long time ago, finding this out 24 hours ago has brought up a lot for me so thank you again for acknowledging that.  What I have learned though is that I will be ok, I am whole regardless.

Nonya

Thanks for the reality check that he will repeat the same ending.  Since I realize no one is the exception to the rule, that applies to him as well. He will repeat this with her if he hasn't already.