BPDFamily.com

I joined this forum a while back - about a year and a half ago - and have benefitted enormously from the help, validation and incredible kindness of the people here (shout out to awes crew!  )

Anyhow I started out in a kind of static fear and overwhelming fright of my uBPDm and now things have changed incredibly.

I still have traces of the long conditioned fear and many many times I have second guessed myself into thinking maybe I have been overreacting and things weren't that bad.

Finally I have had a defining event which marks a watershed.

There is no going back to doubt now.

Just to fill in, I confronted my enabling father about his treatment (abuse) of me and my siblings as kids. To my utter astonishment, he agreed completely and then offered to help me - mainly by paying for my therapy. My mother then partially fessed up but did an about face shortly after saying her generation had to take responsibility for themselves - not lean on shrinks and other crutches.

Ha!

If ther eis one thing that she has NEVER done, it's take responsibility for herself.

However, I gave he rthe chance she requested to be supportive of me.

Last week, I had a very bad day (CPTSD) and she called me that day ( she was coming over) and I told her I was low and having a struggle.

She arrived and stayed for an hour very obviously avoiding any mention of my 'condition.'

I was hurt, but not  surprised.

Anyhow, yesterday she called me in tears with a warped version of a story I already knew telling me how mean my sister is to her (my sister stuck to her boundaries- so MEAN!)

I listened out of reflex and also wanting to spot the lies which were ridiculously transparent.

At the end of the conversation, I was mad at myself for listening to her when she doesn't, hasn't and never will listen to me.

Then it occurred to me: I have transcended the legacy!

I don't have to react emotionally to her in kind.

I can be empathetic despite the selfishness of the person speaking to me.

And I didn't crumple up, second guess or doubt.

I just knew it.

It's liberating.

So my message to you, you ones who are struggling with the pain, confusion and invalidation that BPD begets and passes on, please don't give up.

Keep reading.

Keep posting.

Keep grieving your losses

Scream cry if you can.

Go on long walks.

Be as honest with yourself as you possibly can.

Blame those who are really responsible for the things they are really responsible for.

Don't forgive someone because someone else told you it's the only way to heal.

Forgive if you want to.

Lie on the floor and cry till all the pain comes out.

Or in the shower where the water can wash away your tears and pain.

Do it again and again.

FEEL your pain.

Feel your confusion.

Feel your anger.

Be compassionate to yourself.

Forgive yourself when you are not compassionate to yourself - you have a lot to unlearn.

Keep on seeking out people who WILL listen and hear you. Then you will have that opportunity to change your perception and learn trust your judgment.

Don't give up.

I believe in you. You can do the thing

Hey Zig,

You stepped out of her box and into your own. How wonderful!  |iiii I am so glad for you.  :)

Your words of encouragement are so good, showing us the passion which flows from within you and so many of those who are healing, fighting to be an individual, separate from our pwBPD. It is a goal worthy of achieving.

Two thumbs up to all who wonder if they can make it another step. You can. You will make it. Keep going!

Wools

Hi Ziggiddy

Thanks for this update! Great to hear from you again.


Also wonderful to hear you've benefited so much from bpdfamily. As the Board Parrot I can tell you that many of our members have also benefited greatly from your contributions here |iiii


How were you able to overcome this fear?


That is quite astonishing indeed!  There's hope yet!


How are you doing now?


Great stuff Ziggiddy! |iiii We don't necessarily have to be kind, as long as we just don't respond in kind.

Thanks for your positive message and words of encouragement  

When I tried that they threw me out of the bank.

It’s great to hear your good news.  :) We should do that more often. I’ve also made great progress. This is a truly awesome site, with fabulous staff, even if they do insist on scary animal avatars.

I am glad you like this site so HappyChappy and thanks for showing your appreciation :)


I know you ain't talking about me here though because I'm an exquisitely fine feathered blue bird! :)

Great to hear you are making progress Ziggiddy! I am so happy for you.   It is indeed astonishing that your father has offered to help you now. Apparently you have mastered the art of asserting your needs  |iiii

Thanks for your encouragement. Allowing myself to feel the pain is exactly what I am trying to learn right now. Thanks for believing in me 

Kwamina


What an incredibly uplifting thing to read! I appreciate hearing that. Thank you.


Ah. Now that is a tricky question with a simple but extended answer.

The first thing, the VERY first thing was to stand my ground this one time. Most important. Critical even.

I had to be sure it was something I felt absolutely right in. And I confess it may not have happened had my brother not rang me moments before (out of the blue) and stood firm in his incredulity of the liberties my mother was taking. His conviction certainly carried me.

One of the members here has the byline quote that goes something like ":)on't puff up. Don't shrink back. Stand your sacred ground" I had those words firmly in mind when I did it.

Ok it felt like being shot. i had charges of adrenaline coursing through my abdomen and I felt faint and giddy. but I didn't stop and I didn't take it back.

I think the first real step in overcoming that terrible fear that only abused children understand is to go through it. It's awful because you don't know you're going to get to the other side. I really think that was the watershed for me.


Well  better. Much better. i still have incredibly low moments but overall I am so much stronger and learning to identify 'outside scripts' (Ho! That's not me talking -that's the critic- or my mother or father) And most crucial but oh so hard to learn - look at it from the other side.

Not empathy exactly but thinking of options the othe rperson could take.

Like "What would I have done if that were me?" And I have discovered that I would respond much kinder quite often than them.

That sounds vague.

An example: I left my shoes down at the town oval one time and my parents who came looking for me ( I was in BIG trouble for being late home, barefoot and leaving the shoes they worked so hard to pay for down at the oval. Well i got in the car and my father smacked me so hard my head bounced off the carframe. Thinking on that, I think "What would I have done if that were my child?" The answers to that give me insight to what they could have done.

And that way of looking at things is a true healing balm.

HappyChappy

I laughed so hard. Them bank people are so picky about customer behaviour aren't they? 

Polly


Your pain when you arrived here was so saddening to me but I think you are incredibly brave to face so much that a person should never have had to deal with. And you are open to suggestion which a lot of people aren't. I truly hope you are still progressing and getting the healing you so deserve. I am humbled to have been of assistance. it's wonderful to share the journey with kindred spirits