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Well, here I am then, next stage. Ok only a few days and admit to spending a lot of my day and most evenings a heartbroken mess but I guess I have to start somewhere. Also I admit I am terrified, I cannot stop loving my ex and thinking of him constantly, I would so like this pain to stop. What a naïve statement, that's what we all want.  I am fortunate to work from home and only have to visit construction site once a month for a client meeting so that makes things so much easier. I am moving from Norfolk to Anglesey, an island just off North Wales. I have family living there so they will be my support. Not a lot else yet to say, no doubt I will have by the morning. Thanks to everyone for your support so far and very good luck to everyone else here. I can honestly say I would not have made this move without this amazing site.   x

hey sadly 

i will welcome you to the board but im very sorry for the situation that led you to it.

its okay for you to love your ex. no one should expect otherwise. this is a loved one to you, and detaching is a process, one that is painful, and grief inducing  . throw in mental illness and it can really complicate such an already complicated process.

im glad you have family and will soon be closer to them. have you discussed your situation with them? its great that youre keeping up work too, i can tell youve built a foundation that will go a very long way as you recover.

I'm so sad for you, yet so happy that you're taking the steps to take care of yourself, to reconnect with people who love you, to put your life back together. You're investing in your future and as hard as it is to do right now, it will pay big dividends in the long run.

You will think about him for a while, you will be sad, you will be angry... .but over time you'll begin to detach in a healthy way, and heal.

Be gentle and compassionate with yourself; you've been through emotional trauma. Take good care of yourself!

Thank you both, very much. Last night I had sad dreams and the ache I woke up with was heavy but here I am still. I bumped into ex yesterday evening at local shop. it was awkward and sad. Brief talk about what wine we had bought, his pink mine white which was hard because we always used to buy that together. I said this was weird so he leaned forward and gently touched his cheek to mine and we went our separate ways. Later he texted me to say that was awkward but you are looking well. I replied yes, we must break the habit of going to the shop at 6 p.m. that I would go earlier and it would be easier when I had moved. Moved, he replied, where? Anglesey I said and he wanted to know if I had found somewhere. I answered two places to look at and my family were looking. Then silence! Don't know what is going on in his head now but am fighting like mad not to wonder. I know I can't be sucked back in but it is so so hard. Onwards and upwards I guess.   xx

One of the strangest things I did with my ex (in my mind) was split her into "two people" - the good and the bad. The "good her" was lovely but the "bad her" was emotionally abusive and traumatized me badly. After a while, it was almost like I was trying to save her "good self" from her "bad self". This effort almost broke me - it's undoubtedly the most misguided and self-destructive things I've ever done.

Why in the world did I split her into two? I think it was in part because I couldn't reconcile the fact that someone I loved and admired could be so very cruel. Someone who could be so kind, funny, warm and loving could also be unempathetic, cold, dishonest and disloyal. For months I couldn't comprehend that all of those characteristics were rolled into one person... .but I can now. I've stopped ruminating on the "good her" and accepted that, because of her mental health issues, her behaviors can range from charming to emotionally destructive.

Be careful that you're not falling into the trap of ruminating on the "good him."  This is some of what you said in your very first few posts:

"He has already ready told his family and workmates we are no longer together and says the same to me. No kisses on texts, no hugs, we sit apart. He is unkind and makes me cry a lot then gets angry with my tears and calls me sulky... .He will lie next to me in bed and bring himself to orgasm as if I wasn't in the room, so demeaning and hurtful... .At present I am sitting crying, beaking my heart, I feel so horribly lost and lonely and devastated and worthless and pointless. I need to walk away."

Thank you so much, that is exactly what I need right now. I was in danger of doing that, do it all the time. I think I was also starting on the path you took so thank you for that also. God this is so hard, thank heavens for you.   x

You're welcome, Sadly   

I think the part of my healing that took the longest (and was the most difficult) was the effort to stop splitting her into two people. It is a common struggle for people on these boards, and yes, it's very very hard.

Try to do something every day - an ACTION - that will bring you closer to where you're going (your move, your new place, your new life). Pack a box. Learn more about the towns you're thinking about moving to. Make a list of the things you need to do to get ready for the move. Action is the remedy for rumination.

And, take good, gentle care of yourself. Go have lunch with a friend. Take a long walk. Get a little exercise in. Treat yourself well. You deserve it.

Very very bad time at moment. In bits. Called doctor and got some medication plus he is arranging appointment with therapist but may be a long wait. Am so very desperate right now, where has this come from. Am crumbling inside. Help me someone.

hey sadly 

we are here. can you elaborate on this recent development? im confused. who called the doctor and got medication?

do i have it correct that arranging an appointment with a therapist? are you confused about how to proceed?

Sadly, it sounds like you requested some medication for yourself, and you had another contact with him and he told you that he is going to see a therapist. If I've understood the situation correctly, then this sounds like the "extinction burst" that I told you about. He will say many things to try to keep you from leaving, but once you agree to stay the old behaviors will resume. It takes many, many years to recover from BPD, and your current reality with him will not magically change overnight. He will still be the same person for a long time to come.

If you think you can deal with those behaviors, then reconsider your decision - but only if you're ready for more of what you described in your original posts. Keep your eyes wide open. Actions, not words.

I got medication for me. Doctor is arranging for therapist but may be sometime. I am at the worst I have ever been. I called time but have also been rejected by him. He doesn't want me anymore. I don't forget what I wrote in my L2 posts, how he treated me but I love him so very much. Am calling the Samaritans now, it is our suicide helpline. If it wasn't for worrying about my little cat I wouldn't even bother. Thank you all for your support. The pain and loneliness is too much for me to bear.

Sadly I hear your pain. It can be overwhelming I know - I don't know what to say but you are not alone   

Please call this helpline. And post here, let me know how the call goes. Feel free to PM me if it can help 

Hello again, Sadly, I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain.  Yet as many here will attest, you are going through normal withdrawal symptoms from a BPD r/s.  It hurts!  Yet going "through" the pain is necessary if you are going to come out on the other, happier side.  There is a strong urge to alleviate the pain through a recycle, which usually leads to even more pain down the line.  Many here (including me) have been in your shoes and you're not the first to walk down this path.  Let us know how we can help.

LuckyJim

Sadly, I promise you that life WILL get better... .you will not always be in the pain you feel today; you will heal and be whole again.

This is important to hold in your mind; to repeat and meditate on as much as you need to:  You weren't "rejected" by him; he has a mental illness that renders him incapable of having a healthy, whole, loving r/s. This fact is independent of you; it has nothing to do with you personally. His BPD existed before you; it will exist after you, and his illness is not a reflection on your worth, your lovability, or anything else.

Part of the problem is that you're completely enmeshed with him. I understand because I was enmeshed with my ex and breaking up felt like someone plunged their fist in my chest and ripped my heart out - without anesthesia. But I'm here to tell you that the pain ends. Healing begins. Hope rises.

Don't give up. Please let us know how you're doing.

Hi Sadly. I'm so so sorry for your situation but I'm very happy to read that you're calling Samaritans. I've used them too and it's a great step you're taking to help yourself. Please also stay in touch here. We want to know how you're doing! 

Hello Sadly

I'm sorry you're so upset.    


This will help a great deal. Being able to assess our needs is essential for our well being. I'm also glad to hear you are reaching out to the Samaritans. Do you have friends or family close to talk with as well?

It's nice you have your little cat to snuggle with, they are such a comfort when we need it. I have 3 of my own. What's your cat's name?

Suzn beat me to it! I was also wondering what your little kitty's name was.

Please let us know how you are doing. I sometimes struggle with severe thoughts. You get through it, then wonder why. Then another day they can come back. Many people struggle like this, and I'm glad you're taking the time to reach out to others. 

Turkish

Thank you to all for your reply. I don't think I have ever been this bad. The medication makes me feel worse right now. I don't think I want to die but am not sure I just don't want to live with this pain anymore. I don't know what to do. I cannot burden my friends and family with this. I'm so so tired and lost. I slept off and on last night but when I woke up this morning I was crying. I didn't know it was possible to cry in your sleep. My little cat is called Sweets. She is very loving and totally bonded with me. I have had her for 9 years. I am drifting about my house aimlessly and cant settle to anything. I don't know what to do.

I understand that feeling - intimately. It's hard and sad and lonely and, in some ways, completely beyond words - but it passes. It really does.

You said that you can't burden your friends and family - but I suspect that if they knew how terribly you were feeling they would envelop you with love and support - and some hugs, which you could really use right now. Imagine if they were in the situation you were in - wouldn't you reach out with love towards them? They will do the same for you - don't shut them out. Think about reaching out to at least one of them today.

I don't know if sharing this will help you, but I hope it will: the pain you're feeling is not completely about him. It's easy to look towards him and say, "There! There is the source and the reason for my pain!" - and that's partially true, but it's not the entire story. Some of the pain that you're feeling is a very old pain that existed before him and has nothing to do with him - he has simply brought it to the surface. True healing from these relationships starts when you begin to address THAT pain. It's okay that you're not ready to do that yet - you first have to get through these first several months - but I've shared this to let you know that the power to heal lies within YOU - and you will begin that journey when you are ready. And on the other side of it is healing and peace.

My heart goes out to you because I was exactly where you were a year ago. But I'm here to tell you that I'm on that healing journey now and I have hope again. You will, too - I promise.

Thank you again. I am struggling at present to contemplate getting through the next few minutes let alone months. I do so appreciate what you are saying though. x

Aww Sweets, what a perfect name for a snuggly kitty.

Sadly, so glad see you here today.  

Have you considered going to the hospital? There are therapists there who will know exactly how to help you right now. It would be really helpful for you to sit and talk to someone in person. Therapists usually have great insightful perspectives and can help us see things that we may not. Meds usually take a couple days to feel effective. Hang in there, they will kick in.

Do keep checking in with us. We may not be blood related but we see you as part of our family here.  

I don't think I am coping at all. I know I am not. Someone I know asked him what was wrong, why weren't we together properly anymore even though we spend most of our time together. He said that I didn't want/couldn't go down the just friends route. She was cross, told him that if you were the hurting person and someone says they just want to be friends is like your dog dying and your mother says you can keep it anyway. He told her the spark had gone! I replay those words over and over in my head. It's killing me. I don't know but we have just spent the last 24 hours together, nice dinner, tv, few hours sleep and 8 hours sat watching films and stuff on my sofa and not once has he touched me, not my hand or anything. He likes my company! and all the while I am slowly dying inside.

He said he didn't want to go down the friends route? Or you said this? Either way, spending the evening together in this manner sounds like the friends route doesn't it?

And, either way, you both seem to be looking for comfort. If he is spending time with you after a split was decided right?

Some controlled contact may be in order, for both of you. This can help with our own abandonment fears, we all have them to some degree. Slowly pulling yourself out of this relationship by finding other ways to comfort yourself before another contact with him. As it seems you are both willing to "go the friends route" for the moment. I'm only looking at the actions not the feelings.

The feelings you are expressing are painful for you and hard to deal with. Let's think of some ways to help you cope with these, it's good to mentally prepare if you indeed plan to spend time with him. It's good you have resources in place, such as the Samaritans who you planned to call. We want to be careful with friends who help keep the unsettling feelings going, such as your friend who told you what he said. Looking back now, how much did that help you? Spending time with friends is helpful, setting a boundary on what is discussed can help. Deep breathing, taking a walk to clear your head, take a long, hot shower, calling a friend or family member, etc...

Doing these thing intentionally can help us get through the day ... .or the next moment. What can you do in the moment to help ease these feelings? Posting here is also a way to cope. Keep posting, it helps.

it's him, he wants to go down the friends route, I always said I never could but I have tried these past few weeks, pathetically hoping he would change his mind. We shared a comfortable life together, with me mainly doing all the running around so for weeks I have been waiting, hurting all the time I am with him but never being able to say no until a week ago. I tried so hard, explained to him how I felt, he kept saying he was sorry, that he hadn't wanted to hurt me. Then came the lost its spark comment. yet still again, Yesterday afternoon he turned up at my door and I opened myself to the hurt all over again.  He is being selfish I know this, he likes it this way but I just cant cope with any of it anymore. I am collapsing inside with pain. Hurt and lonely when I am with him, hurt and lonely when I am not. There's something wrong with me, I cant stop crying, the pain is a physical thing and I keep finding myself curled up on the floor. I told him I don't want to just be this close friend in his life, what happens when he meets someone else, what would happen to me then, go out with them as a friend? He tends to ignore things if he doesn't have an answer and forgets! some things that have been said. I know he is a selfish user, so why why why do I love him like this. He is like a drug to me except I don't get highs anymore, just deep lows.

This is good insight Sadly. Yes, these relationships are akin to addiction. So is it fair to say you are going through withdrawals? What you are feeling is completely normal. Break ups are hard even when they are mutually decided upon. Add in BPD/npd in the mix and they can be devastating.

Crying all the time at first is a normal reaction to deep pain and as hard as it is it's healthy to let the tears flow. This helps us get to the other side of the pain. This will subside even though it doesn't feel that way at the moment.

What was your life like before him?

I have been alone for a long time. Not really interested in having anyone in my life. I don't trust easily. I was quite happy, I have one or two friends even we are totally different. I worked and looked after my house. Loved gardening and reading. Its never bothered me to be solitary and if I do go out I am quite gregarious and enjoy meeting people. I had a very bad abusive childhood from when I was 8/9  by my grandfather but no-one in my family knows. That is why this is so bad. I trusted him implicitly with my secrets, hopes, fears everything. Our love for each other was blinding and breathless like I had never known before. Then bam. gone, confusion pain, accusations, anger, the usual stuff written on these boards that leaves you bewildered and scared, like treading on shifting sand instead of solid earth. And then we get to the point I am at now. Like I said earlier, I don't think I want to die, I just can't stand living with this pain. I really can't bear it. I read somewhere that death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. I totally agree with that now.

I would venture to guess that you are right, this is why this is so bad. This relationship opened old wounds that weren't tended to, that weren't grieved. Had you considered a therapist to help you through the old wounds? I know you said you are waiting for an opening at present but I'm referring to what happened with your grandfather. Have you had counseling before?


I get it. I agree with this to a certain degree, my first thought is it would depend on who you ask.

How is your relationship with family? Your mother? Dad?

I did have therapy a long time ago for quite a long time. It allowed me to live my life quite well but I always have had trust issues. My parents have died and one of my brothers is a horrid person that neither my other brother and myself have anything to do with. My nice brother works away at sea for long spells and has a young family, he also lives hundreds of miles away but I have been thinking of moving up that way. Its even more difficult because my ex lives across the road from me. I have honestly thought when I have been angry  and hurting of wishing he was dead. Then I wish I was.

Hey Sadly 


It was really hard for me to end the r/s with my exBPDbf, and to itiniate NC. I loved him very much and cared tremendously about him. I had really great times with him. Just like you, I don’t open up easily and I had been alone a long time before I met him. I trusted him, opened up to him completely, and I truly believed I had finally met the love of my life, after all. And this is why it feels like such a betrayal and is so painful. Because WE believed it was real, with all our hearts.

But I also knew that I could not continue in a r/s where I felt disrespected, where I was lied to, where there was just more and more chaos, confusion and pain, where my feelings and needs were not heard, where the reality was twisted around.

I totally understand the urge to see him and be with him. I am still getting this urge after 2 months. But it gets better. Maybe you need some time away from him to really take some distance and think: it is Worth continuing a Relationship, or a friendship with him? Is it worth the pain and confusion that it brings you?

NC has been a great help for me in being able to detach and be more rational about the situation, and starting my Healing process. In the few weeks following the b/u, my exBPDbf kept popping up on me to talk, and every time I saw him it brought back full-blown confusion, guilt, and sadness. I needed the distance from him to heal. He was darn good at manipulating me, he could pretty much have me believe anything in order to keep me around to fill his own needs or soothe his fear of abandonment, whatever he needed at this moment in time to soothe himself. He really was a pro at pulling me back in. That’s why I needed to make the decision to take my distance, because any interaction with him was just too painful. I knew that it could only get worse, not better. People with BPD don’t change, unless they want to. And in the long run, we are getting hurt more and more.

Do you think you could implement boundaries with him so that he does not show up at your place like he did yesterday? Establish NC and then have the time to take a step back, take care of yourself, you’ve already taken good steps in doing it, seeing your doctor, getting medication, the Samaritans, posting here. Do you think this could work for you? NC might be another step, hard but necessary, for you to get better. I know it did for me.

Take care Sadly   you are not alone in this

Thank you, I believe you do know exactly how it is. I have tried NC and it barely lasted a week. It is so difficult with him living over the road, literally, we can see each others houses. I was planning on moving completely away, my house is rented and he has just bought his. The only trouble is right now I can barely plan to get through a day, never mind finding, packing and moving to a new home. Suzn has been brilliant today too. I am so mentally exhausted I need to sleep but don't want to wake up crying again and face another day of this. Weak, yes, buts that's how I feel right now.

Getting rest helps stabilize our emotions. No sleep = more extreme emotions. You may wake up tomorrow crying however the next day you may not. Having ups and downs is perfectly normal. My T tells me, when you are feeling this way you need to imagine you have the flu. Get rest, eat and do things that make you feel comfortable. Take care of you during this time. The basics are very important.

Sadly, this must be difficult living across the street for him - I understand this make NC more complicated and hard to achive, and that you are not in a state of mind to plan a move right now. I feel for you.


I agree with Suzn

You could try and find something that makes you relax, might be some soothing music, or relaxation exercises, that was helpful for me at times when I felt exhausted / anxiety and had a hard time sleeping. There are many such exercises available on ITunes, I would put my Ipod on and lie down, and this is something that helped me take my mind off things and just focus on breathing and letting go. It can help you relax a little bit.

How are you doing Sadly?

Very badly am afraid. Still here though so I guess that's something. Thank you for asking.

You are going through a lot at the moment.  I hope that you have some moments when the pain is less.  What makes you think that you cant find a better partner for you? 

That's the question I am struggling with at the moment. 

Hello itgirl. I cant even contemplate another partner. I am so exhausted and desperately sad that doesn't come into the equation. I neither know nor care if there is someone out there for me.

oh ok I didn't mean it quite that way.  I also don't contemplate a new partner for years to come.  What I meant is that my T asked me that "why do I stay with someone abusive.  What makes me believe I cant find someone better?" 

So I was more asking about your own fear.  I am working on that answer for myself.

Sorry, I misunderstood. Feel like I am in a living hell at the moment. If someone asked me why I was still stuck with someone who abused me, my answer right now would be because I love him. Regardless of everything we know and have read here feelings are outweighing logic by a huge amount right now. The grief and sorrow of knowing what the outcome will be eventually is what is hurting me as much as my actual loss, if that makes sense. There is no hope, no recovery, he is not going to get better and he doesn't want me anymore except as a friend!  I am struggling badly even with everyone's help here which is enormous. We can empathise and take in all the logic in the world but the pain is our own.x

this is very true Sadly. please don't forget though, that there are really are people who have had this experience, and they're here. when i was at my lowest, just the thought that there was this board and these people gave me great comfort, even when i was logged off. please come back every day.

Hey sadly, as maxen suggests, there are a lot of us here who have been through the same ordeal.  It's hard, no doubt, but going "through the pain" is what leads to happiness on the other side.  I realize that may not be much comfort when you're in the middle of the storm, yet it will pass.  Feel free to fire away with any questions or concerns.

LuckyJim

Thank you both. I do come on every day, it really helps. Am in a rare old predicament now though. G left work and came to see me in tears yesterday afternoon. His father has been battling cancer for a long time now and has finally decided he wants no more treatment. He lives a few hundred miles away and G is going up to see him at the weekend and wants me to go with him. I don't believe in this case he is using me to further his own ends or as a control thing. It is genuine human sorrow and he needs my support. If his father says its ok to come then I will. I believe his father will say no so have told him that if that is the case just to tell him I am thinking of him. All so hard. This may sound selfish but it is going to put me right back to square one, not that I have moved far from it to be fair. Regardless of the visit G is going to need a lot of love (even if its not reciprocated) and compassion in these next few weeks. What a mess. 

Hey Sadly, Be careful about putting G's needs ahead of your own.   red-flag  You're in rough shape and in no condition to be caring for someone else, in my view.  It's OK to have empathy, but don't take on G's problems as your own.  Nothing you can do about his father's condition.  Listen to your gut feelings and try to keep things in perspective, as best you can.

LuckyJim

I have to agree with lucky Jim. Compassion and empathy for others are excellent qualities that you have. Sometimes we can overextending ourselves at our own expense and people in our lives can expect this out of us because we've done this in the past. They may not be as understanding as we would like them to be if we take the space that we need to tend to ourselves. There is nothing wrong with being compassionate about his situation though it may be best done from a distance. This is not selfish, this is self preservation.

Unfortunately, there's no way to know how the situation with his father is going to affect him or how his behaviors will change if at all. However, it may be best to be mindful that this probably won't change who he is or has been. Does this situation not force you into a friends position to emotionally care for another friend when you have no energy to expend?

There are times when we can't be there for someone else like we would like to be because we are depleted ourselves. Healthy minded individuals recognize and are understanding of this and allow us the time we need to take care of ourselves.

Sadly, you're leaving the decision about your own movements up to someone else. can you imagine what it will be like inside you to be in the presence of your ex for the duration of this trip? his father will receive your well wishes. you're certainly not abandoning his father by not going with your ex. as Suzn says, "This is not selfish, this is self preservation."

Thank you all for your insight and replies. they all make sense. I was very surprised at his fathers response, he would like to see me and his mother who is in a nursing home sent me a message saying she was very happy to think I would be going so I guess thats it. I will be. It's not just G anymore. I cant deny the request, his father is dying and very soon. I love his mum and she loves me. It is not in me to deny them this, it's not who I am and I guess with the low feelings of self worth this r/s has left me with not going would just add to this. I have to be true to my values as much as I can, they have been rocked to the core lately. This is a situation where I will have to be as strong as I can be. I will not let him verbally abuse me when he is upset. I will say to him I am sorry you feel like that but I don't and won't be your whipping boy anymore no matter what the cicumstances and I will walk away until he calms down. It's all I can do. For the future I am going next week to look at some houses near my brother and his family. Moving so far away will be an enormous help with detaching myself from this whole thing. I feel more positive now than last week so thank you for your support during that black week. I have some hard times to come as do we all but I know that there is no going back and as I said, the distance is going to be my strongest tool, it is impossible here when we live in such close proximity. Pray for my strength this weekend please. xx

Glad to hear that you're looking at homes next week!  |iiii

Since you're going on the trip, can you do things to keep yourself emotionally safe during the trip? Can you travel in separate cars? Can you stay in a different hotel?

I understand that you have a value system that would put a dying person's needs before your own... .I would probably do the same. But there are still things you can do to keep yourself safe from G while still honoring his parents wishes. It's not all or nothing.

Thanks. Unfortunately I can't. we will be going in his car and staying at his dads house, this is expected. It is going to be weird and hard. I know his mum will ask me what's going on. She loved me for her son and she loved me for me and the problem is I don't really know what he has told them. I know I will be fighting not to cry in front of her. Neither can I pretend it is what I wanted and she will realise straight away that I still do love her son very much. He will want to know what she said, what I said etc and it could all go horribly wrong at any given time. Actually, his dad is likely to ask something personal straight out to both of us! Am going to keep my mouth shut if that happens, let him answer. I know its a mad move on my part but I can't not go. God what a mess

Do you have a plan in place if things go horribly wrong as you say? An exit plan if needed, just in case?

I have money and can call a taxi and get to a station to catch a train home if I have to. I don't think it will come to that. He hides things very well in front of his parents and sister. Never demonstrative in front of them either. If he goes for the mental abuse it will be when we are alone and I will have to deal with that. He has never physically hurt me and I know he would never do that. That's not part of his make up. all so worrying but just something else I have to get through. That's why I am asking for people to pray to give me strength. xx

Over on staying board there are lessons on the upper right hand side of that screen. You will find links to communication skills that will be very beneficial to you on your trip. Such as validation skills and the use of SET. It would be very much worth your time to take a look at those prior to your trip. These skills can help you in an already emotional time for him.

Sadly, we also have some readings on communication tools. in addition to Suzn's suggestion of the Lessons on the Staying board, would you have a look at this? Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries)

Thank you both so much for your help. I will read everything I can tonight. xx

Well that went really well, not! Didnt even get through the evening. He turned up after work with a present he bought for me off eBay a few days ago. It is lovely and I hugged him, didn't get hugged back though. I asked why he had bought me a present and he said it was for being a nice and kind person, btw he never looks at me if he says anything nice to me, do you think he dosn't mean it? I was meeting two friends this evening for a couple of hours for dinner and to give a late birthday present but was planning to be back for 9 to pack for the weekend. For weeks now he has been mostly at my house in the evenings, same routine, couple of drinks at the pub, home for some wine , food and then he falls asleep in a drunken stupour and I either leave him on the sofa and he wakes up in the early hours and comes up to bed or he comes with me and just flakes out. On no occasion does he ever kiss me goodnight. Even if my leg touches his he will pull away. It's so hurtful. Anyway, tonight he said "I might go out for dinner too" . Here goes with my mistake, we used to eat out quite a lot but for the past few months we haven't done even though I have mentioned it lots of times. All the strain of everything that I have gradually lost hit me and I was angry, I said why now, all the times I have wanted to eat out with you and you wouldn't, is this just something else I have lost. He went ballistic, called me a liar and that had never happened. Yep, fatal, I answered back, how can you say its never happened, you were there with me... That was it, he left, shouting down the street that I was a douche and the last thing he shouted was forget about the weekend. I am left shaking and crying again. Then, have to be honest here this is the text I sent him 10 minutes later. "I'm sorry, I'm not a douche but I am seriously stressed. I'm coping badly with losing you. I'm not doing well with it although I am trying. I miss being loved. I often think of the things we did that we don't do now and it seemed like yet another thing. I miss your loving me so much". How bloody pathetic is that, and yet it's how I feel. Even knowing what he has done to me. Of course I didnt get a reply. The lights are on in his house, he will be drunk and asleep. In my pre relationship with him, if I read what I have been posting I would be horrified to think someone would let anyone treat them this way. Unbelievable and yet look at me now. I know the way he works. We were supposed to be leaving at 8 in the morning. It's 30/50 I will hear nothing or at 7.am. I will get a text saying are you coning or not? as if nothing had happened. And, god forgive me I will probably go. What is wrong with me?. There is no wonder I don't want to be alive anymore, I can't break this, its awful. I have been through so much in my past life, the loss of my sons, the death of my infant baby girl, the death of my parents and nothing but nothing grips and grabs me with this terrible pain. I am so so lost.