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when we have sex, we have sex but we dont make love.

when i try to get loving and sensual, all she want is the act not the feelings, but this actually hurts me as i want the connected passionate bit.

anyone else like this?

This is what it is like for us, sort of... .

Except my BPD husband thinks we are connecting, whereas I'm just finishing a chore.  I have so many walls built up from his behavior that I find it very hard to connect and to have any desire.  But if I don't have sex with him I get more and more accusations of cheating, being up to something, not loving him.  Then I will get threats that he should just go somewhere else, and that I'm a terrible wife, and he could replace me in a second.

So I focus on myself, I don't really think about how sex is for him anymore.  My goal is not to please him.  I just get myself taken care of and wait for him to be done. 

Yet since I have stopped thinking about his needs during sex, he has been saying that it is better than ever, and he feels so connected.  But sex is the main thing that validates him and equals love in his mind.

This is how I feel about it too. We have sex, we don't make love. In fact when trying to say something about how we have sex it blows up into a huge deal to him. It's become sort of methodical and not at all loving for me. It's sad though because when we first met he rocked my world. Now I don't feel connected to him at all even though we have it on a regular basis. I get mine and several times actually but it's still impersonal and not at all what I would want if I could have it my way.

Through the first five years of our marriage, being physical with my wife was amazing and very frequent.  The first 6 months of separation we had sex probably 3 times as I was painted black as night.  The first time was great as we hadn't seen each other in six weeks.  After that, she would dysregulate when I wouldn't give her her way and then"re-engaging" was very "robotic" without much feeling from her.  It's almost like she just wanted to have sex to reconnect.  After that though, it went back to a very close and intimate act between us.  As we've gotten closer again the last few months, the robotic version of intimacy has diminished.  I guess she sees that I'm pretty stable emotionally and not reacting to her stuff, we continue to get closer emotionally and physically again.

Yep, that is the way ours has been for years. We have always had a pretty active sex life. The problem is that it has had all sorts of problems. For the longest time, it felt like doing the dishes. I enjoyed it but. . .

Things have been getting better in this department for us but I still feel like he can't let go and fully enjoy it. Heck, I used to joke with him, "Now kiss me like you mean it." I know that part of my husband's problem is that he seems to be afraid of his own sexuality. He was raised with so much guilt about sex and sexual desires that sometimes even having sex with his wife makes him feel bad. And, he has also questioned his own sexuality at times. There are days that I wish he would tell me that he is full on gay. At least that would explain why he has had so much difficulty having sex with his wife.

Yep.  In my case, I now have all sorts of emotions wrapped up with sex, that I can't really enjoy it and have little desire for it.  Part of my emotions are from having been put down, insulted, or physically abused in close relation to sex.  I just mentally can't get past it right now.  When I get intimate with my wife, I can't escape the negative thoughts.  And from her, it feels like she is using sex with me to solve her emotional problems.  Nothing feels natural or loving in the bedroom anymore.