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uBPDh filed divorce but is telling everyone (friends, family, etc) that he loves me and wants to come back but "doesn't know how." He has told everyone I kept him captive and forced him to do whatever I wanted him to do and if he didn't, I would punch him. Those who know my husband laugh because he's a big, strong guy... .me, not so much. He is also known for his temper and so they will never believe I'd hit him and he wouldn't respond or be able to defend himself.

Anyhow... .after a couple months of pretty consistent ST (except when he needed something) he moved out a few weeks ago with police escort (drama king at all?). Now I get served divorce papers.

Situation is this: he's now in danger of jail and deportation since he got here in January on a spouse visa (from Haiti) and everything on the surface indicates he committed fraud (for which he WILL be deported if it's determined, and they ARE watching). I believe that the divorce is his way of trying to get me to respond. I have made no contact with him and have not indicated that I feel one way or another. I'm just trying to live my life.

So my question is how do I respond? I don't have a lawyer and am extremely low on funds (self-employed and this is a super slow month). The papers say I'm required to respond in 30 days. How should I do that? I really want to request that my husband undergo psychiatric evaluation and extended therapy (at least several months) as well as couple's therapy. I'm a very intelligent person who is quite capable of fighting minor legal battles on my own. I've fought and won more than once, lawsuits and such (out of court), without outside representation because I am an excellent writer and researcher.

I am confident that I can present the case that while I understand that he wants to dissolve the marriage, I have added responsibility to him because I signed for him to come here and am seen as a sort of legal guardian. If he can show USCIS that he has made a valid effort to save the marriage and it was still not possible, they will likely allow him to stay and not deport him. So can I try to convince the lawyer/courts to direct us that way? I sincerely believe that given some counseling my husband would make quick progress and be able to make a more well-thought-out decision.

If he really wanted to divorce me, he would return to Haiti (where we married) to do so. It would be easier and cheaper, and he would not have to report it to USCIS (they would have no record of it) and could continue to live here as long as he wanted and not report it ever if he didn't want. That's why I know this is a plea for attention or something... .

Excuse the lengthy explanation. My question is basically, should I write a response or not? I do not intend to agree to the divorce, but I'm also not sure if that's the right thing.

It doesn't make sense: if he wanted to get his citizenship here why would he divorce you? Especially if you just married?

It seems pretty straightforward:


Write if you want to continue with him

Don't write if you want to continue living your life

His filing may be a blessing in disguise.  If at some future time after his deportation you would have tried to divorce then you would have had to search him out and if found then had a very difficult time getting an international divorce done.


What is he demanding or requesting, I mean besides the divorce itself?  Money?  Assets?  Support?  That will give you an idea of how much needs response.

Frankly, you can't afford to be a CareGiver, a Mother figure, a Rescuer or anything else.  When dealing with BPD or other acting out PDs (usually Cluster B), there is no "in between" status, no marriage-lite, either you're all in or all out.  Although there are therapies that work (DBT - Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is the most promising) the problem is that many with these acting out PDs don't really want to change or will "stick with the program" to have changes take root and lead to recovery.

So answer this, is he currently in therapy?  Is he making real, diligent progress with therapy?  Has he been making progress for an extended period of months/years?  Do you have any realistic indication he is seekign and working with therapy?  Promises don't mean a thing, too easily a smoke screen, it's Action that counts, action over extended time.

The problem is that the Denial and the Hard Work is just too much for many disordered people.  Until he proves himself over an extended period of time you can't risk your future.


Did you know that it's often been said that therapists limit themselves to one BPD patient at a time, that even they, despite all the training and professional distance, can't handle more?  Also, it's also been reported that therapists with BPD patients sometimes need their own therapists because of their patients?  Yes, it can be that impacting and intractable.

So you thinking, "I can fix him or get him fixed if only I try harder and try better", could be deluding yourself with hopes not based in the reality of his mental illness.  Yes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.  He has to want recovery.  He has to do it for himself, you can't do it for him.  While you could be a supporter on a path to recovery, it is still His Path, not yours, you can't walk it for him nor force him to walk it.


No court will ask you to save the marriage.  Domestic or family court is to oversee the unwinding of the marriage.  No court will ask you to stay in a marriage. No court will ask him to stay in a marriage.

Frankly, cut your losses.  You have no assurance therapy would ever 'fix' him.  His life choices are for him to make, even if you think you could find a way for him to slip through the system.

Are you in counseling yourself?  I wonder whether a counselor could provide you an objective perspective, the various issues both pro and con.  You may not see yourself as a Rescuer, but please ponder that possibility and the risks of this particular challenge.  You're on the inside, hard to make objective decisions separate from the emotions of the relationship, you need to get perspectives from the outside looking in.

As for the court case, go to the court to ask questions and get forms.  They can't give legal advice but perhaps they or the local Bar Association can help you get a lawyer or advocate.  Legal consultations are relatively inexpensive.  If it is a simple request just for divorce and nothing more, respond that you won't oppose a divorce.  (As I wrote above, you can't stop a divorce, it takes two to make a marriage.)  If he's seeking money, assets or support, then object to them.  You don't have the finances to support someone who is in trouble with the law and for all you know will continue to have serious legal problems.

That fact that he's been painting a distorted picture of you as his abuser is very disturbing.  Many people with BPD are expert manipulators and slick liars.    He is already trying to bias people against you.  If you go to family court and say you want to remain married, it's possible the court may wonder whether he is right and you're the controller/abuser.  Did you think of that far-out (but very real) risk?

Meanwhile, don't have children with him.  If the marriage does continue then don't have children with him until you know he has proven (for years) he has recovered or else you and any children will be deeply impacted (negatively) for decades to come.

Exactly. Because that's not what it is. He's not using me for residency or citizenship. Our relationship was/is real. He just got lost in it.

I'm choosing not to respond to that last response because It seems to have come from a very jaded place. Excuse me for believing. Maybe you could use a bit more of that, ForeverDad... .

"It doesn't make sense" - because this is mental illness, more than just a dejected mood or something else less serious and not as pervasive.  Mental illness can be described, written up in textbooks, lectured in classrooms, certain patterns and behaviors predicted, but it still won't make common sense.

BPD is more evident the closer the relationship.  Probably anyone who has spent time with him will catch clues of something not quite right.  But it becomes more and more an issue the closer you are.  Perhaps they feel that with the relationship obligations you'll stick around and minimize the misbehaviors.  Perhaps the feel in private scenarios such as at home, in the car or other isolated places that they can act out and get away with it.  Perhaps other reasons.

But the end result is they are self-sabotaging behaviors.  An excellent article describing the dilemma is The Bridge (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65164.0).

Think of a young child maybe 3 or 4 years old.  The child can act out and yet know that the parents will still be there.  Children learn eventually that tantrums don't work  Here he is, an adult, he acts out, but should you continue to abide the tantrums or acting out?

Another example that has been given here in years past is someone in the water yelling for help.  You jump in to save him, and barely get the both of you out of the water.  The the person jumps right back in the water again and yelling for help again?  Do you jump in again?  You're getting more and more exhausted.  How many times do you jump in before you fail to save him - or yourself?

By the way, it is a huge difference in perspective between the Staying board and here on the Family Law board.  There in Staying you're trying to determine how/what if anything can help the person and the relationship to find success.  However, if that fails and you have to come here, that's no reflection on you.  You did try.  It's just that it take two to make a relationship succeed.  If the other is obstructing or sabotaging you and the relationship, well, then this is the place.

To clarify, I am staying. I am on the law board because HE has filed. But I'm still staying. This is not my surrender, I'm only here looking for advice.

I'm quite aware of the tantrum tendency. I'm aware that this is mental illness. Again, I'm looking for feedback on the legal portion only, not advice or opinion of whether I should or should not give up. Be aware that there is a "staying" board and a "leaving" board and even an "uncertain" board... .the "law" board is separate from all three of those and does not indicate which decision has been made. Don't make that assumption for me.

Okay, I understand now.  I hope it works out well for you.  I do think that you need to monitor this case and appear in court for each hearing.  Just because he's not asking anything unreasonable regarding assets or money in the divorce filing doesn't mean he won't change something later.  Expect the unexpected.

For sure.

I did the unexpected and called his lawyer... .guess I'm taking a page from his rule book! I talked to her about the immigration thing and it sounds like she was not aware of that. She was sympathetic and nice and gave me references for where I can get some assistance... .I told her if he is really wanting out of the marriage, I don't have a problem letting him go, but if this is just a form of self-harm, I want her to be aware of the consequences. Maybe it wasn't a smart move, but I feel better about things after talking with her.

Hi ptilda,

I'm really sorry your husband has filed for divorce when that's not what you want. There are many people here who found themselves receiving divorce papers and it is very painful. I'm glad you're finding support here and are coming here to learn how the legal system works so you can figure out how to approach this.

Also, if you want to remain married to him, it's good that you are getting feedback and counsel from people on the Staying board. They can help you work on SET, validation, and other communication techniques in case your H is still receptive to you. It really does make a difference how we say things. I would also recommend reading Splitting by Bill Eddy. He's a former social worker who became a lawyer, and his book is somewhat mandatory reading for those of us who found ourselves being left or leaving someone with BPD.

One thing that is important to take into consideration, according to Eddy, is the degree of conflict your H displays. For example, not all people with BPD are considered "high-conflict personalities" or HCPs. However, all HCPs have a personality disorder, and they recruit negative advocates, engage in persuasive blaming, and have a target of blame (you). There are many of us here on this particular board whose BPD ex spouses were HCPs, and our experiences are very much shaped by this. Your husband may not be an HCP and this will influence how things unfold for you.

With someone who is an HCP, legal abuse is much more common,  like false allegations. Court is not really about justice, it's about the judicial system and following rules that are woefully inadequate at handling issues of mental illness. So even when we're not guilty, we can still find ourselves tangled up in the legal experience and that can be frightening, tragically unfair, and very expensive.

From my experience, every state is different, and no one here is a lawyer -- it's best to get advice directly from an attorney to find out what happens if you do not respond within the 30 days. It's possible that depending on where your H filed for divorce, inaction on your part could result in divorce by default. I'm not aware of any state in the US where a spouse can prevent divorce from happening, only delay it or make it more high conflict (and expensive). You'll want to ask an attorney, though.

In my experience, court moves at a glacial pace and there are multiple milestones required in order for divorce to be considered final. Probably because there are many couples who file divorce in a moment of high emotion, only to regret it -- and court has some safeguards (and understanding) that people act in rash ways when they are upset. Also, our family law courts are based on laws that purposefully made it difficult to get divorced, although the degree to which it is difficult varies a lot by state. In my state, for example, spouses have to be separated for a year before divorce is legally granted.

If you are strapped for money, it may be possible to consult with a lawyer for free or a small amount (depending on where you live it could be $50 to $300/hour) to ask exactly how things work. And you may find some useful information in the NOLO books on divorce, or by directly asking court clerks what forms have to be filed and when, and the consequences for not doing things.

My experience is also that family law attorneys don't know anything about immigration law (I have dual citizenship and it was an issue in my divorce too) so you may want to also ask an immigration attorney for counsel. A good attorney will tell you, "Immigration is not my speciality" if that's the case and not pretend otherwise.

As you work to delay the divorce proceedings, perhaps you can work with people on Staying to communicate with your H and figure out a way to stand down. He is probably very scared and doesn't have the problem-solving abilities he needs to work his way through this, and may be experiencing a lot of shame because of the alleged fraud, which only heightens his self-loathing.

I hope this helps. We're here for you.   

Thanks for the input. Quite valuable and appreciated. With the council of my therapist friend (who works with BPs every day) I wrote the following message to him:

"I understand that it looks like divorce is the only option available, and I can understand that you're making the best choice you can see. I feel very sad about how our relationship has ended up, and want to see some things change, but I love you so much and don't want to see you make a decision that will cause you even more hurt.

I believe that divorce is the wrong thing for us and that our love is strong enough to get through this. If you are willing to give some time for us to get some counseling so we can work together to repair our marriage and move forward from the mistakes we made, I would like to take slow steps towards that with you. However, if you feel you must go forward with the divorce, I will be heartbroken, but I will not fight you on it."

At least he knows how I feel, but that it's in his hands now how he responds.

Found out today he's calling a lot of people reaching out. He's scared and alone. He's telling everyone he loves me and doesn't want it to end, but can't see another way. My heart is breaking for him.

I spoke with his lawyer. I told her about the immigration matter because I wanted her to have a clear picture of what he was getting himself into. I told her I'm willing to work with him if he needs the divorce, but I want to help him avoid jail/deportation if possible and don't want him to feel like he has no options. I also mentioned to her that there are likely mental health issues here and that I would suggest that she consider taking that into account.

She was very nice and even referred me to some places for assistance. It seemed to me that she was hearing me. She could end up being the greatest help in this.

His family has been in consistent touch with me as they are trying to work with him to show him that there are ways through this. I pray that he will see that we are all on his side and that we can work forward in this. My pastor is someone he respects quite a bit though he's been distant in the recent past. But I will ask my pastor to reach out to him again to see if they can connect. He might be a very good option for counselling since he has been doing such counseling for a very long time.

How long you've known each other before you got married? Have you noticed any odd behavior previously? Was he diagnosed?

It's good that the L is being kind to you and seems to understand what is going on. She probably appreciates that you are not being high-conflict or emotionally reactive -- I think that takes a toll on family law attorneys who are often dealing with messy emotions and clients who use divorce to "get even."  

It is the L's ethical obligation to represent her client. Something to keep in mind in case her demeanor leads you to believe she will do one thing, and then her actions suggest she is doing another. Ethical obligations are taken seriously by Ls because they can experience professional consequences for acting unethically (like being disbarred). Or, in some cases, a ruling can be appealed because an L was not behaving in accord with professional ethics.

I did notice some strong reactions, but nothing like this. We knew each other a bit more than a year, but long-distance (speaking daily and several visits). He was not diagnosed. Mental health care in Haiti is all but nonexistent.


I addressed this with her, and never asked her to say anything to me. I just told her that my concern was for him and that I wanted her to know that I didn't want him getting in over his head just because he didn't see a way out. I broke down at one point, but I think it was pretty normal reaction given what I've been through, and I wasn't hysterical.

Got a response from my previous message. It's true that he's softening, but he still insists that I tried to beat him and "put him in danger." This is because after 6 weeks of ST (except when he needed something) and him sleeping on the indoor balcony, I took advice (before I realized he's almost certainly BPD) to go lay next to him... .I did and touched his shoulder gently, which woke him and he started punching and jumped up like someone was trying to kill him and started to leave the house in the middle of the night. I was NOT expecting that response. He claims I woke him by punching him and forced him to sleep in the streets (I tried everything I knew to keep him from leaving the house). So with that scenario, here's the conversation on Facebook:

Me yesterday: "[his nickname], I understand that it looks like divorce is the only option available, and I can understand that you're making the best choice you can see. I feel very sad about how our relationship has ended up, and want to see some things change, but I love you so much and don't want to see you make a decision that will cause you even more hurt.

I believe that divorce is the wrong thing for us and that our love is strong enough to get through this. If you are willing to give some time for us to get some counseling so we can work together to repair our marriage and move forward from the mistakes we made, I would like to take slow steps towards that with you. However, if you feel you must go forward with the divorce, I will be heartbroken, but I will not fight you on it."

Him 42 minutes ago:

"[my nickname] I'm sadly have to do it even though my heart is broken because I've been exposed to a lot of dangers. You said "it will cause me more hurts"? If yes I'll accept it too cause in my honesty I tried everything I could so we should not have arrived at this point now you didn't give me any choice to keep my promise. Hurt or not you had hurting me more than anything when I thought you were my everything. It's a hard decision  cause I still love you but as a lonely guy I have to protect myself. So let's move forward but I'll always love you."

Me: "[his nickname], can we meet?"

Him: "It's not safe for me to meet you since you came in the middle of the night fight against me while I only tried to to out as the police told me and you shared stuff said I did this or that to you."

Me: "You are my everything, and I will take every action to learn to respond well to you, and ask you to do the same.

I will meet you on the roof. There are cameras and people will be there. I'll bring your mail to you. They will lock the door at 11pm so we have to be up there before that time if we want to get in."

Me (after delay and indication he was writing and erasing for several minutes): "[his name], if you're not ready, that's ok. I don't want to pressure you."

Him: "[my nickname] I already tried them I didn't even have to answer your messages. Then no I'm a little weak throughout you cause I love you and you did things which weren't in my favor. You put me in danger that's why can't do that"

Him: "Really, ready for what?"

I have not responded. Not sure what to say at this point. He just continues with this tale. But he's broken ST and that's a good thing I guess.

To protect yourself legally, you cannot risk writing anything that would make it appear you did anything bad or even might have done something bad.  He has made accusations which at this point are 'unsubstantiated'.  If you make comments that in any way lend support to them, then the officials could conclude his allegations have or might have basis.

Sadly, even if it is that he's in pain emotionally and it's 99.9% due to his mental state and blurred perceptions, you can still get hurt legally.

For example, saying, "I didn't intend to hurt you... ." could be construed to an admission of some unspecified action which could be used against you.  However, it might be less risky to instead address his perceptions, "I'm sorry you FEEL this way... ."

Yes I agree with forever dad,

with proof of abuse (true or not) your husband may be able to petition for another sort of Visa, so be wary of that!

It's good that your H's lawyer seems to be reasonable. Some Ls are very aggressive and they really step on the gas, trying too hard to "win" for their clients, and not focusing enough on dialing down conflict.

Even so, like FD says, be very careful what you put in writing because pwBPD tend to cycle through lawyers and you don't want your own words used against you. In cases where it's "he said, she said," family law court latches onto documentation because it offers the semblance of reason and facts in what is otherwise a very messy human and emotional situation.

The evidence is decidedly against me being abusive in any way. Overwhelmingly, in fact. And since no allegations of abuse were mentioned in the divorce petition, it is highly unlikely he can change his story now.

Guess I'm wanting to know how to address it and make it clear that I'm not taking blame, without triggering him further.