BPDFamily.com

hello!

I've been in a romantic relationship for almost 7 months now with someone I was friends with for about a year prior to that. I don't know if she has BPD, but she definitely has trauma in her background and some BPD traits (I supposed I do as well, my mom was a little nutty). There seems to be a lot of good advice on here anyway for dealing with someone who can be a bit irrational at times and very very sensitive.

My question has to do with figuring out how to respond to irrational thoughts. Should I be validating? Or is validating the irrational thoughts a form of enabling?

Things she gets irrational about:

-If I put a bag or box down on the ground, she asks me if I'm worried that it's going to get infested with bugs.

-If we're having a conversation at dinner, she "shushes" me and says she doesn't want anyone to hear what we're talking about, i.e. fear of having strangers overhear our conversation. I've never been told that I'm a loud person, so this seems weird to me.

-and this one, currently we are fighting/not talking because last night she was telling me about some bug bites she apparently got at my house over the weekend, from spiders or bugs that got into her clothes while we were lying on the living room floor watching a movie. We were lying on a clean sheet on carpet that I had previously treated with borox powder because I know she doesn't like bugs and with a freshly washed blanket and pillows. She says the bugs got into her clothes are were biting her throughout the night and into the next day. Of course, I explained all I had done to create a clean environment for her and asked her if it could be hives or some other allergic reaction. She says she knows her body and I should just trust her and why am I challenging her. I said I was challenging her logic.

This did not go over well. She left without letting me drive her to where her car was parked, did not text me to tell me she got home safely (a typical routine for us), etc. etc.

I like her a lot but the paranoid, irrational thoughts really concern me. Any suggestions? Should I be apologizing for not validating/empathizing? Argh. So confused. Thanks for any help you can provide.

Personally, I would not apologize to her. It might become a pattern, and to me, it does sort of seem like you are then taking responsibility for something beyond your control. You didn't do anything to be sorry for! In fact, you went to a lot of trouble to avoid just such an issue.

This is HER issue, the bug thing, so let her own it. I wouldn't debate it with her, or even discuss it. If she brings it up again, and I'm betting she does, you can choose to validate, but I would not accept responsibility for it. Have you ever actually seen any bug bites on her? I'm wondering if this is actually happening, or she just thinks it is, or she just has sensitive skin? I swear, my BPDh and I can be outside, and he'll get all bit up by mosquitos, but they'll barely bother me. I call him my repellant. They just find him a lot tastier. lol

 

Welcome to the forums!

I see this is your first post. A good place to start might be with the lessons. There is a lot of good information there about validating and the different roles and behaviors involved. You can find the lessons to the right.

I think it would have been possible to validate her feelings. I can understand why you would feel defensive about her saying that she got bit at your house. You went above and beyond to prepare for her visit.

Is there more to the story? Has your house had bug infestations in the past?

What is her back story?

*welcome* lithasblot,


good question. There is a imho. overblown fear of enabling through validation. Yes, we should not validate the invalid but that is usually a lot less important than validating and even more avoiding invalidation. Irrational thinking is already a sign that emotions are taking over so whatever we say needs to address the emotional mind. Worrying about too much logic is moot or worse distracting. A mother blowing on a scrape is not healing, is not rationale but validating the pain.

Often I find members rejecting validating something their partner does due to their own judgment kicking in before they fully assess the complete situation. Yes the fear of ants is probably overblown. But then the fear is very real in her mind. And hygiene is an important topic. Pests can be obnoxious and disgusting. That all is very true and can be validated. Validation is not SET, not concerned with facts. Validation is concerned about letting the other person know that we get them. This allows the other person to relax a bit and spend less energy on being upset about ants. And possibly seeing also reason in some cases too without us trying to explain the world to them.

By all means try to validate her, find an angle that allows you to speak with conviction. Your tone of voice matters a lot so it is important not to fake it.

Having said this there is plenty of evidence in your post that your partner is very enmeshed with you. The dinner situation is a classic - she gets triggered as she feels responsible for what you do and does not agree with it. Unbearable as you basically speak in her head. You need to introduce boundaries which will help to reduce her sense of overlapping with you. Breaking the sense of control is key. Read up on them and find ways to introduce them where they matter for you most. One at a time - the first ones likely come with an extinction burst. Validation skills again can help you soothing over some but not all of that. There is some work ahead of you

Welcome,

a0