BPDFamily.com

Thank you!  That is quite helpful in what I'm struggling with.    *)

---

Mod Note: This post was split from Validation. What is it really?  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280480.0)

So I was thinking... .

The concept of attracting people to partner with that are of similar level of emotional maturity as us... .or just one step above or below, but not on a different "floor" altogether... .

I imagine this has to do with validating.

It felt validating to me to be with a partner "that I understood."  That was just a step or so behind me in maturity in some sense.

Had he been so far emotionally struggling, or so well emotionally evolved... .then we would not have tried to pursue anything.  It would have felt too invalidating to either of us.

Then, when I was growing at a faster pace than he, and the disparity between our emotional capabilities, both became more revealed, and also grew bigger, due to my growth... .

Then the situation became too invalidating to us both.

Him, wanting to bring me down a couple of steps to feel validated. (Triggering me intentionally)

Me, wanting to bring him up a couple. (dragging him to MC and such)

(Now, I do not like the verbiage I used to describe this, it appears narcissistic of me. Hard to describe tho otherwise.)

Sunflower, how do you usually feel when hanging out with friends (non-romantic)?

So what in you, what part of you, got validated when you felt you understood him Sun?  What did it mean that you understood him, and what would it mean if you didn't?

I think part of me was drawn to the idea of helping him navigate something I understood, and he was confused about.  It made me feel useful.

If i didn't feel I understood him, I am not sure how I would have trusted him enough to connect.

You reminded me of me.  I've been in situations where I was the 'expert', and it gave me a sense of dominance over someone who was submissive because they needed/wanted my help.  Also, I've thought that if I could be useful, if I could do something, then I would be loved, and underlying that was the belief that I wasn't lovable just by being, I had to do something.  I didn't have the trust issue though.  Don't know if any of that speaks to you, but that's what comes up for me.

Yes, exactly that in bold.

I wouldn't say that my ex was submissive to me at all.  I certainly wasn't dominant. 

I think of it more as I was a leader/facilitator in areas that were not familiar to him, and he needed a guide.

I think it is common for persons who have had a traumatic/chaotic childhood, to seek ways in which to feel in control.

Being dominating, being a leader, knowing more than another about a topic and being in a helping role... .is essentially a way to manage keeping an environment under your control... .and feeling safe.

I mostly enjoy myself. :)

So the answer there is to practice loving ourselves, and that's all it takes, practice, and then cultivate the expectation that people we enter into relationships with need to love us for who we are, not what we do, and make decisions about who we hang out with from that place.


Yep.  I've been called a control freak more than once, and lately I've been looking at the motives and you're right, it's a way to feel safe.  I'm a natural leader too though, I'm always driven to go first, so I'm settling on "I'm not a control freak, I'm a leader", which to me is valid, what it boils down to is the difference is the the motivation behind the desire to lead; is it to feel safe or is it just because I'm the most qualified and let's get stuff done?  I've had mixed results, stay tuned...  

uhm... yes, master?