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Can anything be salvaged if I left my BPDexFiancee?

That is a tough one to determine. . .

Have you already left her or are you planning to leave her?

What are the circumstances?

Thanks for the response VoC -- always a pleasure to see your posts around here. I'm mostly a poster from the leaving board, but I'm finding myself returning here. Let me elaborate --


I have already left about a month ago. At that time I knew nothing about BPD, but knew about the  red-flag throughout the years. My exfiancee was a friend of mine for approximately 8 years before we dated for a few months and became engaged. Now after some detaching and absorbing everything about the disorder, I'm starting to regret that I mishandled everything. Not only did I lose a fiancee, but I also lost one of my best friends

The day I left was following a huge fight. It started with her complaining that she felt suffocated and hated coming home from work to me, understandable because everything was moving fast. After we had a talk and making the changes, things turned into days of the silent treatment. She woke up one day and after belittling me on various things (from my breath to me hanging out with her dad at her request) threw the ring at me.

I told her I understood she was angry and that something had to change. I packed up and left while she was at work. At the time she was texting that she was sorry for having been so aggressive and that she can't wait to take things slower with me... to sending me funny links she found while at work... .I was gone by this time and it lead to her calling me angrily and calling my brother who she has never met to ask where I was.

It's been pretty much n/c since, but she has reached out in some form or the other. Including a really lucid and clear headed apology letter she wrote to my parents. Our families have known each other for ages and to be frank, myp arents really love her which makes it all the more difficult!

Now I realize that if anything can be salvaged, even a friendship has to be on her terms.

Is it possible when I have abandoned her?

If she has been reaching out in subtle ways and has sent an apology letter, I think it is possible to salvage things.

Have you looked at any of the lessons on the staying board? Before reaching out to her, it might be a good idea to do some reading on BPD behaviors and your role in the relationship.

And brush up on those communication skills as they will be invaluable for trying to reach out and communicate with her without you losing your cool.

I think leaving was a good move on your part. It sounds like you were enforcing a boundary that says, "I will not tolerate being treated like that." You basically called her bluff after she threw the ring at you.

Do you have a plan for reaching out to her?

Things do NOT have to be on her terms if her terms include silent treatments and being manipulative or verbally abusive. Make sure you read up on boundaries and how to set them to protect yourself from any kind of crazy making that may occur.

Such a relief to hear it from the staying perspective, thanks again VoC, feels so good to be heard!

I don't have a solid plan yet, but I do know that I will continue to work on myself. Thanks for pointing me towards the boundary setting skills, I'll use it to reinforce what I've learned from SWoE, I hate you -- don't leave me, and the Fjelstad workbook.

Good to hear about that last part, I am glad that I have a strong sense of self to feel that being verbally and emotionally abused was not to be accepted on any terms. It also helped me leave at that time without anger or judgement, I think there is yet hope!

Taking care of yourself should be priority number one.

Do you think that it would be a good idea to test the waters with a simple message like, "How have you been?" or something else that establishes contact without jumping back in with both feet, kind of like sticking in just a toe.

The Wary Toe?

I like it!

Before I send it let me run this thought by you -- I had been thinking of doing that a few days ago but was overwrought with guilt or perhaps fearful of having a violent response. On the other-hand, writing and reading on here, reading those books, and understanding her previous anger outburts I know that the fear of triggering her anger is unfounded. Or am I way off target here? hahah

She may get angry - she may be receptive - she may be curious - she may be fearful. You can't know where here head is right now.


This is a good idea - in general.  I would, however, go with an text that can easily be answered.  This question is a complex one (very broad) to answer and asks her to be committal when you are not being so yourself.  Ask a really easy question and she if she just responds, or engages, or ignores...

Gotcha, hence VoC's recommendations on touching up on the workshops to keep my cool either way?

Thanks skip!

Given some of the stuff that you have been through, being afraid of her anger makes perfect sense. What doesn't make sense is letting that fear control you. If you truly want to be with her, then you are going to need to get past that fear.

That is why I suggested some kind of really small little message. If you send a short message and she flips out, then you know to back off. If you send that message and she responds nicely, then you can slowly start talking. The key is to take it slow and test the waters so that you can back off before things escalate. If you take it slow, then it also gives you time to think without reacting. If she wants to jump in with both feet, try to dial it back. It is so easy to get swept away. Find ways to keep yourself grounded and keep things slow.

What do you think about taking an approach like that?

Whenever my husband and I try to work through stuff, I have to work hard to set the pace so that discussions are slow and deliberate. That seems to help me stay grounded and it seems to keep him from getting too triggered. His thoughts tend to go a mile a minute sometimes.

I like it, I also see how setting the pace and going slow could help me from being swept away by the moment or swept off by negative reactions. I appreciate you sharing your own experience with it.

You've given me much to think about:

1. touching up on boundaries workshop to keep my cool with either reaction

2. simple small message

3. pacing and keeping things from escalating in either direction



I'll keep you posted on how it goes, I hope you won't mind me coming back to run some more thoughts by you as I prepare :)

Keep the questions coming... .it seems like you are on the right track.

Personally... .I'm not a fan of texting... .but I realize many people do that a lot to conduct r/s stuff.

My best recommendation is to get her on the phone (voice)... .ask her to meet for coffee or some other easy thing to do.

I would put as "I was going to head out and do (fill in the blank) and wanted to know if you wanted to come"

The key is that the activity is something you want to do.  If she ignores or declines... .go do it anyway... and enjoy it.

There are others on here that seem to text quite a bit and do ok with it... .keep it short and not about the relationship or "feelings".  "How have you been?" relates to feelings.

"Have you been to that new coffee shop... ?" is more factual.  Either way... .it leads to "I'm going in a few hours... .would you like to join me... ?"

Thoughts?

FF

thank you for your input FF, do you have a recommendation on how to keep it short, simple, and factual for long distance? I love the idea of the coffee shop thing, but I am couple hundred miles away at the moment.

I have still been reviewing my thoughts and I am really grateful for everyone's input here. I think part of me was freaking out that there was some sort of time limit to things like this... .when i all reality i should go with the timing that feels right for me

Yes... !   |iiii

Now... .let's define "go".

Go means "testing the waters".  If you know she is upset... stay away... .

If she is very receptive... .proceed and play it cool... .

If she is neutral... .stay neutral in return... .but proceed. 

If you start off with one reaction... .neutral... .and she flies off one way or another (really positive or negative)... .don't react... stay neutral.  Validate if you can (workshops).

Once she returns to baseline... .don't make a big deal of it.

FF

haha thank you FF! For some reason, reading the various applications of 'go' put this huge smile on my face and filled me up with courage!

Like VoC recommended I have been reviewing the communication skills workshops and realizing that it's all upto me how *I* am to handle reactions. Thanks for that boost in self-confidence guys!

Random tangent: I had a dream last night with me fiancee. She was happy and laughing, but I felt like I wasn't truly happy. I know i twas just a dream, but i think it might be my subscious telling me to think about the whole situation. Glad to have found this place!