BPDFamily.com

I'm a teacher, and I went back to work yesterday and today to prepare my classroom for the upcoming school year. 

When I got there, one of my co-workers stopped by my room to talk to me.    In between talking about my exBPD, I teased my co-worker like I always do and played little pranks on her (she's like a little sister to me).  But what really stood out to me about our conversation was that we both laughed.  I'm not talking about little "haha" laughs.  I'm talking laughing so hard that I cried. 

After I got home from work yesterday, I started thinking about my exBPD and the time we spent together.  Never, in all that time, did I see her really let go and just laugh.  She would say funny things, and she would laugh at things I said, but they were never all out, losing complete control of yourself laughs.  The only time I saw her really laugh was when she was at my house one night and we were telling funny stories.  She was cuddled up with me in my bed, and I actually felt her body shake with laughter a few times.  Not laughing so hard that she was crying, but at least laughing pretty hard. 

And then I thought about a time when my exBPD and the co-worker I mentioned earlier were both in my classroom and my co-worker said something really funny.  I was drinking water at the time, spit it out all over everything, and then started choking because I was laughing so hard.  I remember that the custodian was also laughing really hard.  But when I think back to my exBPD's reaction, I really don't remember anything at all.  I'm sure she reacted, but it wasn't an extreme reaction like the custodian and I had. 

I know some people are just more reserved than others, but I just find it so odd that I knew her for nine months and only saw her laugh really hard once.  When I was in high school, my two really good friends and I would frequently laugh so hard that we couldn't even talk.  I remember going to my aunt's house for Christmas when I was a kid and the whole family sitting around the living room just laughing so hard that my mom and aunt were snorting.  My best friend from college and I used to work together, and we would laugh so hard at work that customers would give us annoyed looks.  At work, students sometimes make me laugh so hard that I actually have to turn away and face the board and collect myself for a few seconds.  I have several co-workers who make me laugh regularly and who laugh regularly at what I say. 

How often did your exBPD laugh?  And how often did you laugh when you were with your exBPD? 

Deep belly laughs 24/7!

Obviously those were absent during the last week

I forgot to add that she once laughed in her sleep, and it was the most maniacal laugh I've ever heard.  I told her about it the next morning and jokingly said, "I was afraid you were going to murder me or something while I was sleeping."  She just kind of smirked. 

Remind me again why I thought she hung the moon?   lol

Part of my exBPD's inability to laugh may have been that the past year was massive chaos for her and not just because of her BPD: five moves in less than a year, student teaching, two long-term substitute positions, her parents moving across the country, cutting again, future job uncertainty.  Having said that, it wasn't like she was a complete zombie and didn't react to funny things.  Yesterday just made me realize how long it had been since I really, really laughed, and I realized it was because I had basically become my exBPD because I was walking on eggshells around her. 

Who knows?  Maybe she laughed a lot prior to the start of student teaching last year.  And again, it's not like I remember her exact reaction to every single thing that happened.  It's just that, when I form a picture in my head of my other friends, my family, and my co-workers and think about them laughing, they are all laughing really hard.  When I form a picture in my head of my exBPD laughing, I just picture her smirking a bit.   

We were laughing a lot. He was very funny, had that creative and quirky sense of humor that was a big part of his charm to me.

I'm missing that a lot.

She would laugh at some of the most ridiculous things, very off-beat things. Otherwise her laughter sounded forced most of the time.

Holymoly... .they say if you gonna hide , hide right in front of them ... .when I had a though she never had a good laugh, why did I not detect that one !

We had lots of good laughs. But I think most of the time were probably when we were in company. Things were usually a bit more somber when just the two of us

She struggled to muster up a smile, anytime she laughed it was really forced and not real.

Her eyes were the most telling, there was no sparkle, no life, just souless and empty.

If you are genuine smiling and happy you have a natural sparkle, something about you are warm and sincere.

She had none of the above - very sad

Actually, my exbpgf had a Great sense of humor. It was one of the things that attracted me to her... .cause its hard for ME to find someone that could honestly make me crack up to tears. We spent hours on the phone (in the beginning) laughing to tears... Both If Us.

That laughing will be hard to sayyouodbye to.

But just that alone was NOT ENOUGH to for me to stay, and put up with the other crap ... .actually, the "other crap" slowly started happening layer... .slowly... .little by little.

It was so subtle that it was building up like a snow drift... .thank God I recognized how I was feeling inside ... .and though, (at this point) I was afraid to express my feelings... .I just started consciously observing our relationship.

Glad most of what was said was text. So I could refer back to it when she would try to rewrite things that were said and not said...

2 things needed to happen for me to stay.

1) she would have to be able to look at her own behavior and be open to the possibility that she made a mistake or could have done or said something better.

2) Respect my feelings. Listen to my feelings. Understand that when I express my feelings, I'm NOT Saying that I don't like/love you or care about you. Certainly expressing my feelings does mean I'm not happy or blaming you. The reason I DO express NY feelings... .is because I DI care.

But, that wasn't possible with her I'm sad to say.

But its Certainly a NEED I have that must be respected.

And Vice Versa.

Anyway... .sorry for rambling. My apologies.

Johnny

Correction :

"Certainly expressing my feelings does NOT mean I'm not happy or blaming you"

Sorry

She used to laugh all of the time, but that died as the relationship deteriorated.

I laughed quite a bit as well, but she isn't as funny as me.