BPDFamily.com

My BPD boyfriend broke things off about four months ago. (It has been an off/on relationship for more than four years. Every time he ends up coming back eventually.)

During the day we would chat via IM. I introduced him to IM and he opened an account for our purpose, so I know for a fact that I was the only person on his contact list. Of course, he logged off immediately after the split, and has been offline ever since. (I still use it, so I am still on.)

Last week I noticed he was suddenly online again. I thought perhaps he was waving the olive branch, so after a day or so I reached out and said hello. He engaged with me for about an hour. We had a nice visit and he even went so far as to lament that he's been single since and is unhappy. But even though we both said we enjoyed catching up, he still seemed unaffected. I saw no real sign he was wanting to pursue things with me, so I haven't contacted him again.

Yet he remains online!

I have no idea why he is suddenly there after all this time. It's almost as if he's teasing me! GRRR! I liken it to me lurking around his office and totally blowing him off. Not nice!

I know I need to just delete him, and I will. I am just scratching my head as to what his intent was. It bugs me.

Any ideas? This really set me back in my healing.  

Just curious, has your boyfriend been diagnosed with BPD by a mental health professional?

Rather than teasing, I'd take it as ambivalence. He wants some connection but is not sure what he wants to do from here.

I agree.


I'm sorry.   I know those "setbacks" are hard. Remember, though, that healing is not a linear process. You haven't lost any ground - this is all part of the journey. Look at this as a learning experience, instead. What did you learn from this?

It sounds like this interaction left you confused and unsure of where you stand.


Is this reminiscent of your relationship? Especially towards the end? I know that, in my case, I was forever unsure of where I really stood with my ex, and it only got more pronounced, confusing, and painful towards the end. Most post-breakup communication left me feeling the same way. Was your relationship like that?

We have no way of knowing for sure anyone's intent besides our own, unfortunately. Throw in disordered behavior, and it becomes even more of an impossible dream. Instead, focus on how this is making you feel. 

Thank you to everyone for your insightful answers. I think you are probably right that he doesn't even know what he wants. (He is still online, but says nothing.) And yes, this hot/cold/unsure thing was VERY much a part of the whole relationship. The symptom that really clenched the BPD connection for me was his constant feeling of having no direction in life - which most likely causes the ambivalence here. His self-loathing has been apparent, too, in the sense that he told me it is not "possible" for me to love him, I am "worth more".

I guess all I can do is just go on with my life and be here if he ever decides to surface. He knows how I feel and that I'm here when he wants to talk. Perhaps that's foolish of me, but I do still care about him very, very much.

No, he has not been diagnosed. He knows he has bipolar tendencies, but I think pride would keep him from ever seeking medical help. From what I have read he has 90% of the traits, and I even think he falls under the NPD category, too, because of his lack of empathy towards others. I had urged him to seek help many times, but he refused saying he can pull through it on his own. "mind over matter"

It's very hard to tell why he's doing this.  If he does have BPD, remember that pwBPD basically have the emotional maturity of a 3-4 year old.  So, just like a child, they will do things to get attention and to get validation from others.  I think that's why a lot of pwBPD post so many selfies on Facebook and other places.  Getting a "like" or a comment makes them feel special. 

There is a lot of debate on here about whether or not our exBPDs still think of us.  I think it varies from person to person.  Blocking texts is hard to do on Android phones, but there is a way to put numbers in a spam folder, so they don't pop up.  It's very simple.  I did it with my former friend BPD's number, even though she is the one who chose to go NC.  She could have done it with mine, but she didn't.  I've sent her a few texts in the past few weeks (short and to the point), and she's replied fairly quickly.  Being online may be his way of keeping a connection to you.  Object constancy is a big thing for pwBPD, so him being able to see when you're online may give him some comfort. 

My former friend made a Twitter account when we were still friends, but she never tweeted.  After she discarded me, she made it private and started tweeting, even though she only has 6 followers, at least one of her followers is a spam account, and no one replies to her.  Why did she do this?  Who knows?  If I had to guess, it's because she figured I would try to check her account, would see that it's private now and that she's tweeting, and would wonder what she's tweeting.  I do check it, mostly because it gives me comfort to see her number of tweets increasing (she tried to commit suicide in June), but I couldn't care less what her tweets are about.  I changed my username so she can't find me anymore (My name in my profile is just my first initial), and she could have easily done the same, but she didn't. 

Summerstorm,

You have a good point about the object permanence, and ironically, him being there gives me some odd sort of comfort, too.

He is very insecure, as sounds common, but shuns all social media nowdays. He is often cynical and leery of people in general. Aside from the deep relationship we had, he only has one close friend. (I am sure he has become lonely and found comfort in knowing I still care, like you said.)

Funny - either one of us could delete the other, but neither has.

Thank you so much for replying to my posts. It makes me feel better to talk about these things and those close to me are over it. They don't understand how deep it goes. Being here is unbelievably cathartic.

Everlong,

I know what you mean.  A week after I was discarded, my one friend texted me and said, "I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable talking to you about this anymore."  My mom keeps telling me to get over it.

I think what's so hard for them to understand is the intense idealization and equally intense devaluation, coupled with the fact that we feel like we were manipulated and lied to.  It's taken me weeks to sort everything into four "piles" in my mind: absolute lies, absolute truths, possible lies, and BPD behaviors.

It's not as easy as saying, "Yeah, we just didn't have much in common" or "I am ready to settle down and he isn't," like we hear people saying at the end of a breakup with a nonBPD.

Often, we're left saying, "Uh, I don't know what happened.  Yesterday, she said she wanted to marry me.  Today, she's gone."

Yes, exactly!

It's the instant flipping on you that drives you crazy, and It's impossible to walk away with out having the answer. Things in our relationship were closer than ever and then the next day *poof* - he ended it. I guess they can't handle the commitment because of their perceived risk of loss. I hate it and it's so hard to accept.

I had to update this thread to say my ex is at it again, but this time more "directly". 

I opened my email this morning to find he had  shared photos with me by adding them to a shared account we have. I received an email notification that he'd done it, and that is how I knew. They were romantic in nature of the two of us - some private moments we documented over our relationship.

Now, if THAT is not baiting, I don't know what is!

I am so confused, yet again. Why not just reach out and say hello? Why did he have to go about it in a cowardly manner? Surely he is still not ambivalent after doing that.