BPDFamily.com

My girlfriend has BPD.  We met in college, did not date, became friends, and now several years out of college we have started dating.  We did move in too soon, BPD besides the point.  That was hard.  At first I thought the BPD was her depression, which we knew she had.  But the mood swings were wild and everything was my fault.  When I said this sometimes she understood and felt bad, but sometimes she said I was avoiding responsibility.  Even when she felt bad, then she felt like the worst girlfriend in the world, so that was also not preferable.  For example, I had a great career opportunity that required me to be away from home for 3 months.  She split between wanting to support me and hating me for trying to leave her.  To make me not go, her symptoms got so bad she started a physical fight with me, and threw something of mine across the room and broke it, and then started cutting herself.  I took her to the hospital, and between in-patient and out-patient care, she was officially diagnosed with BPD (her therapist had floated this diagnosis, but had also supported a few others).  However, I still went on my career opportunity (3 months away from home).  I set up a support system with her parents and sister, but she still felt I abandoned her and threatened me and my things and so I had some friends move my stuff out and we broke up.  But after about a month of not speaking she reached out and apologized.  I had also been thinking and also learning a lot about BPD and realizing how much I'd played into the abandonment trigger.  Not that this was my fault - but I clearly did not help the situation.

We're now back together, and she knows I'm learning a lot about BPD, and we're working on logic-ing our way through her triggers.  Earlier today, for example, I made an assumption based on what she said, she got mad I assumed something, but it turned out I was right, so she apologized.  Of course, she also felt ___ty, which isn't good.  But still.  All this happened without yelling.  I'm still not living with her.  We agreed it would probably be easiest for us to have separate places, at least until we get this recovery stuff more under out belt.

I am very committed to her and her recovery.  We have a lot of shared interests and ideals and passions, and I love the non-BPD her very much.  I even love the BPD her, but you all know what I mean.  If she did not have BPD, this would be very much a fairy tale relationship.  As a bonus, her family still supports me, and doesn't blame me for anything that happened, so they're still on our side as far as her recovery and me having a part in it.  A lot of people are on our side, though her best friend stopped talking to her when we got back together because "You're nowhere near better and you treat him like ___ sometimes."

That's the story so far.  She has a lot of the typical symptoms, and I am fortunate to have a strong sense of self that her projections onto me rarely stick for long, if at all.  Because I'm so empathetic all the time to people's feelings (I am an educator, and I also do special ed), I always try to listen to what people say they are feeling and validate that truth, even if I know it is false.  But with BPD I don't know if that's a good idea, because these feelings are not permanent, and validating them may not be an applicable strategy.  Especially because, when she splits or dissociates, when I try to reference something she said before, she'll deny it.  I still don't know if she genuinely doesn't remember or is too ashamed to admit it, but no matter the reason, sometimes that, in itself, ends up being a trigger for her.

I've started saying, rather than make her mad, say that I triggered her BPD - though I realize sometimes I will just make her mad because I sometimes say stupid things that any rational person would get mad at, even if she gets more mad than is appropriate... .

I dunno.  We still got a long way to go.  But from what I know about "Walking on Eggshells," I feel fortunate that she knows and has accepted she has BPD, and that she has been going to therapy for it.  I feel we're in a better place than a lot of people because of that.