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In the beginning of the week he admitted he has someone else and couldnt take it anymore so he left. He says he still wants to take me to school, doctor and work in my garden. He was here wednesday, i thought to pick up his stuff but didnt take a lot with him. He says he is staying with a friend and dont want me to think he is living with her and that she knows that he wants to help me and that he does what he wants. During those two hours here he cried a lot and when he is at his parents house he also cries.

He is still very protective. Says men want to take adventage of me now and still wants to lno stuff... there recently happened a lot. He lost his job and almost lost his father...

Im really depressed now

I am sorry you're going through this!  As I was told, I will tell you, you are not alone... .we have all been through something like this with our pwBPD (not minimizing what you're going through at all!), you are among friends!

I believe (and its just my belief, you know your pwBPD better than I do) that he is still leaving you in the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt).  He doesn't want to close the door on you, but he doesn't want to leave it open either (leaving reasons to be around you, hammering your self esteem, things like that).  I am just a mere 3 days out of a roughly 10 month recycle relationship (during our 'breakup' she told me she had given me a year of her life, because I realized that we had started talking roughly a year ago even though we weren't romantic at the start, she felt we were and she also said she had fallen in love with me the day we started talking again - I didn't know that until she said it... .so yeah, theres that), so my new wounds are still fresh as well.  I, too, have had my moments of depression.  It is perfectly normal for us to go through the grieving process (and we should, we just experienced a catastrophic loss regardless of how "real" the relationship was to them, it was very real to us!), depression being one of those stages.  The important thing is that you don't stay in depression to long.  Take the time now to focus on you! 

If you stop and think about it, there is probably something you enjoy that you haven't done in awhile since being with your pwBPD.  For example, last night I went to dinner with a friend of mine and discussed politics.  I enjoy talking that subject and it hit me last night that I had not followed or talked about that subject in at least 6 months.  All my time was devoted to my pwBPD (her needs, her topics, her problems).  I actually realized all the times he and I had went to dinner before, I was consumed with checking my phone and responding to her because I felt guilty that I wasn't with her (even though she usually had a reason/excuse to not be with me... .I still felt like the one letting her down).

How are you doing now?  Have you seen/talked to him since Wed?  Have you read over the lessons on this board?  Do you have friends/family that you can lean on right now?  Never forget, we are all here to help YOU get through this!

He was here few hours ago to pick something up and i saw the kid of his new partner in his car! He picked up my daughter ( she doesnt know better thên he is her dad) and he cried.

He didnt take all his stuff with him.

I'm sorry that you had to experience that.  Co-parenting is tough on anyone, more so with one of the parents being mentally ill.  How old is the child?  Who has custody?  Is there a parenting plan in place?  Can you use a third party to transfer the child so you don't have to be in contact with him at all?

I wish that I could give you a magical answer on how to proceed, but I can't.  Since you are on the L3 board, I will presume that you want to detach and move on, not attempt to stay with him.  One thing that I can suggest is that you close the door for good on him by making him pick up all of his belongings (or mail them to him).  I also suggest not being around while he does this, because it will be heartbreaking to you and also gives him a chance to engage you.  You truly can't heal if he's popping in as much as he wants (for one reason or another).  All that is doing is keeping the wounds open, especially by bringing the new person's child with him to come over.

I am not a professional, by any means, so I can speak only how I would do something.  I would be setting up things to grieve for the loss of my loved one and going NC as quickly as possible.  Its the only way you can heal from the trauma that you've experienced.  It sounds a lot like he is torturing you on purpose (I have read that some BPD are 'ok' with the hurt you feel just as they are 'ok' with the love you give/gave them).  Even if he isn't, it hurts you and thats abuse.  That needs to stop.

  Welcome, euhm. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's painful and confusing.

I'm glad you found this site - there is a lot of helpful information here, and people who have been through similar things. It helps to talk. 


I know you suspected that he was cheating, but it still is painful to have those suspicions confirmed.


It sounds like he is sending you mixed messages all over the place. He's leaving most of his stuff at your house, saying he still wants to help you and take you to school, being protective of you and expressing jealousy - meanwhile he has left the house and is seeing someone else. Not knowing what to believe is a confusing place to be!


It sounds like he's under a lot of stress. This could have certainly triggered an emotional dysregulation for him, especially if he has BPD or a similar disorder. Extreme stress can derail even emotionally healthy people, and people with personality disorders are especially vulnerable to stress and will often react with unhealthy defense mechanisms.

What are you feeling right now? Is your goal to try to detach?

I put it on this board cz we are not together anymore, but I Still love him and a part of me wants him to come back eventually.

In meanwhile ( if he comes back or not) I try to get well and stronger.

I wish I could know what's in his head... .

Officially she is my child only, he is not the 'real' father, but for us he always was.

She is 4.5 years old.

Going to write this post on the other board