BPDFamily.com

Hi All!

Intro

I have joined to ask some advice but would first like to introduce myself. My wife and I live in Australia and are highschool sweethearts, though only married about 8 years ago. We have had a difficult and often tumultuous relationship which is probably no surprise to anyone, or I would not be here! Anyway to cut a long story short (which I may tell down the track), about 3 weeks ago my wife was in one of her common rages of anger because she discovered my sister was pregnant again. I had been afraid to tell her because of how she reacts but she noticed a post on facebook about it. I tried to leave but she threatened to message my sister and tell her exactly what she thought which she apparently went through with before I came back from the car. She sent a message to my sister saying "thanks for ruining my weekend". I should mention we have been wanting kids but having problems.

Anyway I stayed and she calmed down a bit though the environment was uneasy. I decided to search for something that could help her as she knows that she has trouble accepting what she perceives as negative things in her life and is unable to move past them constantly reliving them at times. In my search I came across a webpage that I was not expecting. I was searching for meaningful advice for my wife on how to let go of then immense anger, negative outlook on life and people. She knows that she has a very strong "fight or flight" response as doctors have suggested this to her before.

So I searched for "fight or flight" & "how to be content with life the way it is". One of the many links I clicked on was something like "14 reasons your partner might be borderline". When I got to this page I read it and felt in shock. It described our lives (as I saw it) and each and every point rang so true but for one. I immediately closed the page and waited for a better time to find out more about it.

So over the past 3 weeks I have read forum posts from non-bp's about their experiences which seemed like mirror reflections of my own experiences. I also saw a phycologist to discuss it.  I have also read around 5 books including almost finishing the walking on egg shells book. I am 99.99999% positive this is the problem my wife has been dealing with.

I feel an immense sense of relief as though the jigsaw of our lives now makes sense. So many aspects that I have not understood are all made clear by this one little discovery and it has given me hope. Not only do I think my wife has this, but also her father and one of her sisters whom we currently do not talk to because of the negative and judgemental outbursts she has with family, even little things like judging how much you care about her because of the suitability of gifts at Christmas. It has given me hope that she may be able to get help with her feelings surrounding who she is and what she should do in life to achieve happiness. A life she has always followed by doing what she things other people do in order to be happy. I very much want her to have available to her the option of getting help if and when she is ready. It has also allowed me to feel better about the person that comes to the surface during the bad times that scares me and makes me have trouble separating the Good Wife from the Very Bad.

In the meantime I have been learning about how I have been making it harder for her. Trying to argue logic such as its not my sisters fault you had a bad weekend, she is allowed to be pregnant. Etc... .I have been putting what I have learnt to good use and I can see it's helping already.

My Question... .

So how to tell someone you love that she has something which she will perceive as negative with all the stigma that goes along with it. Even though I believe it will ultimately be a positive thing for her to learn about as she may seek out a diagnosis and get the help she needs. If I mess up and fail its going to only hurt her chances for help, let alone her ability to enlighten her family which also appear to show traits including her mother whom has lived with a man through abuse etc. I don't want to mess this up and alienate my wife.

I need to explain this to her in terms she can relate to rather than from my perception which will only come across as judgemental and will cause a rage. I have been trying to find a book or info designed for someone who has BPD that does not come across as a judgement or diagnosis for being crazy. I can see now the struggle she has daily and I wonder if hearing from others about their lives and what it means to them might help, along with information about BPD that does not come across as being judgemental.

I was planning to tell her in one of her good moods or when she is feeling guilty and acknowledges to me the problem in how she has treated me when I can express that I have learnt something. Something important which may help her and it not come across as gas-lighting or an accusation, but what it genuinely is... .a wish for her to be happy and gain what she needs to be so.

If you have been through this and have advice, or if you have BPD and could tell me what I need to do to help her please let me know. Perhaps there is a collection of short personal experiences out there from those with BPD that have accepted how it effects their life and can put it in terms of how the experience is for them. I believe that she will relate to better than my own perceptions of how the situation is. Perhaps she will see that she is not alone and want to know more.

Thanks in advance for advice!

 

Welcome to the forums!

I would not recommend trying to tell your wife about BPD. I also wouldn't recommend telling her about these forums either.

Trying to tell somebody that they have a mental illness rarely works. You can try to encourage her to go to counseling and let the counselor/therapist diagnose her but do NOT try to tell her. I am sure that some others can come along and provide a better rationale as to why it isn't a good idea.

The lessons here are wonderful. You can work on your side of things and learn better communication tools and that might improve things.

Oh I would never presume to diagnose her anyway. I was simply going to show her what I read about. However suggesting that she speak to a psychologist might be an option. It might incur less harsh reprisals from the suggestion perhaps if I do so when she is apologetic about some behaviour as a way she can get some help.

Thank you for taking to time to post your opinions!

Hi Ilovekaz

It's a uniquely personal decision based on everyone's individual situation.

Here is my experience.   You're mileage may vary.

My partner knows all about the borderline personality disorder, hates the term, despises the diagnosis, looks down on others diagnosed with BPD.  She readily accepts she is Bipolar 1, takes her medications religiously and  was just released from treatment after 9 years of therapy.   

She never uses the term Borderline, and so, neither do I.  Ever.   I am very careful to respect her boundaries around her mental health.   It's her responsibility to see to her care and treatment.  I can support.  I can act as a sounding board.   And I have to know exactly where to stop.


Well that's it in a nutshell.   You only have one chance to get this right, and way too many chances to have this go wrong.   I understand that finding this information after 8 years must have a significant impact on you and your natural reaction would be to want to share it.  Please be cautious.   As you mentioned there is a stigma attached in many places.   Here where I am pwBPD (people with Borderline  Personality Disorder) have a very difficult time finding treatment or support.   The possibility that if introduced incorrectly, the news could damage your wife further is very very real.

I would suggest you hold off disclosing your suspicions for now.   Come here.   Post.   Work the Lessons on the right side of the screen.   Especially the Lessons on communication and validation.   After time has passed and this information isn't all brand new to you, and you feel comfortable, then you can decided if you tell your wife and how the best way to do that would be.

'ducks

Good advice ducks! ... .and I have been reading about alot of the lessons through many books I have read and put them to use and found them especially helpful. I was always confused by her reactions and emotions and have always tried to help by speaking of logic, but as I have learnt that has never worked. Now I understand that the logic is not helping when she is in a rage, as she also disassociates and remembers what happens based on her feelings and her feelings interpretation at the time. Hence why she often recounts what I say to her with words I have never used, nor meaning I have intended.

What I have learnt so far has helped me see past her eyes which look like they are alight literally with hate unfathomable. Always seemed like she was possessed and would say things that would also make me literally feel sick to hear. Now I have managed to withstand the rage attacks and by understanding the feelings and validating them her response has been to calm down almost straight away and later she has been apologising for her outburst which is something almost unheard of with her.

All that said I am still reading and have started going through the lessons here, though much doubles up on what I have learnt but is nice and concise which is good.

I have a further concern which makes me a little more hesitant to wait. A while ago and once before a long time ago I have discovered her speaking with a guy, though email and phone with intentions to meet while describing that she was going to leave her husband (ie me). She has abandoned this on both occasions and accepted it was not right after I found out and confronted her about it. I dont believe she has cheated and I now understand and can see with her that it is about trying to find happiness and contentment when things are not going well.

We have had a lot of negative things in our lives right now which neither of us caused, but she has suggested on occasions that the bad things keep happening and the only thing she has not tried is ditching me. That she blames me for these things that are out of my control. This most recent time (a few months back) that I discovered her talking to some guy and I confronted her about it she first lied to try and get out of it, then blamed me for why she was doing it then agreed to cut all of and promised not to speak to them again. I can read my wife fairly well even though I missed the BPD, and I know I feel uncomfortable as though she might be emailing them again and considering meeting. A husband knows when something is not right like this and Im feeling it again from her. I could be paranoid but I dont think so. I know nothing has happened yet because her attitude and demeanour to me would have changed but I have concerns. I cant stop her and I dont want to be untrusting so Im not checking up on her or anything. However I fear that if see does not understand the cause of this compulsion, that she may go through with meeting at a point of weakness and that would be a line drawn I could not forgive. She will end up hating herself for it and I can not forgive this either. I worry about leaving it too long and her making a mistake I cant forgive. I can cope with alot, the abuse, negativity and anger but this betrayal would be past what I could deal with. It feels a bit like a ticking bomb that I may be able to defuse if I work quickly but so long as I dont dont cut the wrong wire and have it blow up in my face.

Its making me feel very anxious. I guess I will have to judge this and do what I can to support her and try to make life a little better with what I have learnt for a while.

Good Morning Ilovekaz,

a couple of thoughts quickly,

first,  of course you are anxious,  all of us would be.   that's one of the things about being in a r/s with a pwBPD, the insecurity and instability of it makes it hard to feel secure on many days.   perfectly normal.  try to not let your negative transitory feelings drive your actions.

second,  pwBPD catastrophize as second nature.  I think we sometimes pick it up from them.   my-issues  I am going to point at using language like ticking bomb.  I get that you are venting and this is a safe place to do that.  From your reading you know that language is very important with pwBPD.   It's very important for us too.  We can inadvertently back ourselves into all or nothing corners.   So after our emotion is safely vented revisit this topic with your wise mind.   Your wife has backed away from these types of contacts before.   

third,   I pulled one sentence out of your post and put it in italics.   I do not believe that there is any way your wife will understand and accept her compulsion in the time span and under the conditions you describe.  Honestly that is way beyond anyone's ability to comprehend and process.   Treatment for BPD takes years of difficult and committed work.   I believe it is more likely she will respond by being hurt and angry.   That would seem to push her into soothing her emotions externally with another source.

fourth,   that does NOT mean you have to sit by and passively let this play out.   You can carefully, gently, and lovingly establish boundaries around this.   You now have new tools and a brand new support system (us) to help you work on establishing boundaries.   Things are going to be different in your marriage because you are different, you know things now you didn't before, and you will naturally react differently.   It did often feel like waiting for my person with BPD to dsyregulate is like sitting next to a ticking bomb,   However since I learned to recognize signs and signals, now it feels more like waiting for a thunderstorm to blow through.

Last,   many nons think that once we have identified BPD, we can share that information and progress will occur somehow, someway.   Unfortunately that is often not the case.   BPD has the element of protecting the core wound.   Lots of the maladaptive coping techniques pwBPD use are to protect the core wound.   Dragging the core wound into the daylight only makes them want to protect the core wound MORE.   

I am typing fast so I hope this makes sense... .  keep posting, gather other member's thoughts and opinions.

and ask lots of questions.

'ducks

dont do it, i did was a huge mistake!

Wow pineapple, I am in the same boat. I offer my threads as help to you since people have given me advice on there that has been helpful, and I will continue to follow this for advice for myself. Good luck brother, it's a battle but we are all in it together. We see the good in our wives, that's why we married them haha. I see your love for her, I have the same burning desire to help her, but helping ourselves and teaching ourselves and then applying that to our relationships  seems to be the best answer.

Oh no, don't tell... .

First of all, none of us is in a position to diagnose. Secondly, if it is NOT BPD but some other disorder, the tools and teachings you get here are still helpful. Thirdly, pwBPD do not think there is anything wrong with them, that if you bring this to her attention she will (classically) think you are up to no good, trying to control her, whatever, and can dysregulate. Leave diagnosing to the professionals, leave communication of potential disorders to the professionals.

This forum is for you to discuss what is on your mind, read and learn from lessons and moderators, and develop a set of tools for  YOU.

Trust me, I would never tell my uBPD husb he has BPD - I'm not a doctor, and telling him I saw a list of things that were congruent with the diagnosis would only lead him to tell ME, "Oh there you go being Dr. Google again" and set him off. Whereas over the past year I  have quietly educated myself, and used the tools, and read books, etc., and applied the knowledge gained, and the past three months have been the best months we've had in a very long while.