BPDFamily.com

Hey all,

I'm not really sure about this... but, as soon as I started reading the first 2 paragraphs on this page (https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality) I couldn't hold back my tears. I'm still crying as I write this. The article really connected with me and the situation I'm in right now and I guess the emotions I have felt over the past two years were hiding... because they certainly aren't anymore.  I'm sorry if my point comes across skewed, there seems to be no end to my tears right now.

I'll start from the beginning... I'm male, 26 next week and my partner has been exhibiting every symptom of BPD since we first met. Before meeting I was very focused in school and had not taken a sexual partner for the previous 6 years. I met her on an online dating service, we started talking and I couldn't believe how much I liked her. She was very smart, an MA student, had the greatest sense of humor and it had been so long since I had seen someone so beautiful. She cared about all the stupid things I told her and laughed at all my stupid jokes... We texted for a week while we both spent the end of December at our parents' houses on entirely opposite coasts of the US. Luckily though she was moving to my city to continue her education as a graduate student, and I was counting every second that led to her driving up to my apartment building for the first time. Strangely, even in this stage of the relationship (texting) there were problems. Complete flips in emotion. One second we were talking about what we would do when we first saw each other, the next she was telling me how stupid I was and that she wanted "a real man to just ___ her brains out." I don't know why I didn't react in this situation, instead I took it as my problem... I cried, a lot. She would say the most ridiculous things imaginable, and in the morning she would apologize profusely and make me feel better. I was an idiot.

I am beginning to realize what 2 years of relationship strife looks like typed, I will try to paraphrase. She picked me up from my place, and I was blown away by her beauty. Our first 'date' was very different from what I was used to. We went to her place, sat opposite of the couch looking at each other and she asked what was wrong. I said I was nervous and she gave me hug which was the initiation of physical contact and love that I had been missing for a good part of my life. It felt so good. So we just laid on the couch holding each other, talking until like 2-3am. Things got a little strange from there... after 6 years of not having sex my body was not 'ready'. I couldn't get an erection. It was confusing for her and certainly for me, because I felt ready but obviously I was not. This lasted for about a month which threw her through a HUGE range of emotions. She thought it was her, she wasn't good enough, she wasn't pretty enough, she was disgusting in every way. I found out pretty early on that she was seeing a therapist for anxiety and depression and that she was experimenting with different antidepressants... I also learned that she was having daily panic attacks, one happened as we slept together and she bit my lip so hard it almost needed stitches... and she didn't wake up. I just remembered some of her words from this time, "I'm just not ready for a relationship." It is clear to me now how selfish I was in this situation. She was in the process of healing from her past relationships and whatever trauma she still hasn't told me about, and she was right... and I ___ed it all up... .

In the next two months I fought the most with her than I have ever fought with anyone, my parents included. The sex was very crazy. We started the relationship seeing each other every day, we still (when shes here) see each other every day. She picks me up from work, takes me to her place and drops me off at work in the morning. I have basically been living out of my backpack for 2 years now. She is Indian, and her parents take marriage very seriously. So she has hid me from them 100%. Every time they talk, which is once in the morning and once in the evening, she makes me be quiet so they think she's alone. This still happens.

She broke up with me the first time, and went and had drunken (yes drunk on antidepressants) sex with someone from her class, and then came back to me apologizing and I took her back. We broke up again and I put my foot down so to speak. I stayed at a friends as she sat outside my apartment calling me over and over. Furious that I would make her wait alone on the street. I let her sit, as I cried alone on my friends couch until the alcohol made me pass out. I woke up, tears dried to my face... and I looked at my phone. I shouldn't have done that. A new girl waited for me on the other end of those texts, or so I thought. I accepted her back, again, but this time with the demand we see a relationship counselor. She hated the idea and a year later we have still not seen any counselors. We 'broke up' 4 or 5 times after that. Never for longer than a night, during one of these fights she threatened to cut herself if I kept talking to her. She did to my surprise, and to my greater surprise, upon closer inspection of her body she had been cutting her knees and shoulders for a very long time. The fights got less frequent as time went on, and more violent and explosive. It was about 8 months to a year that I saw her first become physical with me. She got the first bad news about her mothers lung cancer at this time too, I don't think she'll be here a year from this posting... .Anyways, this is also about the time she quit seeing her therapist. Quit her antidepressants and actually improved significantly. Her mood swings diminished but her sensitivity to my feelings and my words still remained. I think that its important to note that our sex life fell very far during this period, we went from having sex 4-5 times every 7 days to once or twice every 14 days... .

I remember a moment in particular where I was driving her home after a meal together. We were both happy, the meal went fine. A car or bicycle was slowing us down and she got PISSED that I wasn't honking. So she reaches over, grabs the wheel and honks with her other hand. I told her to remove her hands from the wheel and stay on her side of the car while I'm driving and that honking at someone is not worth risking someones life, or even getting slightly stressed over. Then she stopped uttering obscenities toward the driver of the other car and started directing the exact level of obscenities to me! Now I was the 'pussy ___ing idiot that can't even honk at a ___ing car', I was the 'piece of ___, coward boyfriend of hers that doesn't even amount to ___'. This is the extent of her anger.

At this point in the relationship I knew something was very wrong, but when she was good... damn was it the best. Like the article says, she was what I needed at the time, someone to need me... and to love me and I was her knight in shinning armor, her impenetrable wall of protection that she felt she needed and that she could now berate without consequence. My tears stopped and they're back again.

Many of these same situations have repeated themselves in the past two years we've been together. Another instance I remember quite well just happened a month ago and is something about her that has definitely not diminished. Her sensitivity toward honest thought when it in any way involves her is taken purely as critical criticisms and personal attacks. We planned to visit the beach down the street on a pretty hot summer day, take a blanket and lay it on the concrete barrier overhanging the water and rocks. I took a pipe and some weed and we sat side by side admiring the beautiful state we live in. Two planes were flying over head and she mentioned something about the height of the airplanes being too close. In anyone elses mind when you say something stupid and someone gives you crap, you smile and admit it. Not her. And in my defense I disguised my 'crap' in to a pretty clever joke about the pilots being confused about their altitudes. In which I made it obvious that there is no danger. Tears start flowing from her eyes and then she demands that I stop being so mean, that I never give her a chance and that I'm never good to her. I was still smiling at my joke when I noticed her tears... I asked her why she felt offended, and she said because the joke was at her expense. And that ALL my jokes are at her expense. I tried to reason with her that I wouldn't tell a joke to hurt her feelings but she was hearing nothing of what I was saying. Just repeating that I was always so mean. Then frustrated, I asked why I would try to ruin something as wonderful as what we were experiencing just before this started. Then I followed it with asking her why she would ruin the experience. There was no coming back from this, she started crying so hard that she couldn't speak. She started having a panic attack. Which means its time to forfeit and help her recover, like every time she gets this sad. This is the extent of her sadness. When she's sad and I am not on her side, she goes in to the bathroom. Locks the door. And cuts her shoulder.

Well I'm done crying, for her and me. Every time she threw me out I cried, begging her to let me stay, and even she was like, "damn dude you are REALLY stupid." After the 5th time my tears were gone, and I just got angry. I got angry because she wasn't just throwing ME out, she was going back on everything that had happened in the past and throwing that out too. Every time I heard the words, "We should just break up" it didn't mean the same thing it once did. It was now the inception of a betrayal forgiven inside a betrayal forgiven inside a betrayal forgiven. Every layer altered my perception on her and the relationship until I grew bitter with her when she acted out like this. I had given up too much of my soul for her JUST so she can drag me through the ___ again. So that's how I played it, every time I heard the words it was when we were fighting. I would get RED angry and tell her to shut up, like we had evolved past that or something. Now when we fight, I wait until she goes too far and I end it with intimidation and volume. I don't let her squirm an arm free to cut my face with her nails or try and knee me in the groin. I hold her tight, inescapably so, so she isn't allowed to inflict harm on me and I carry her to her room and put her on her bed. With much less grace as described and I leave her there, I close the door and I wait. This is never the end, but she knows that she just needs time to calm down before I can even begin consoling her. So this may happen once, it may happen three times before I wait and I can enter her room and calm her down. I am not a violent person, and the anger I feel, at myself and at her, continues to grow every time she loses control like this and I can't take it any more.

I need help. I need to end it. I need the pain I'm causing her to end, and I need my pain to end. I can't take this anymore...

She is gone, right now, visiting her parents across the US. I have a copy of her apartment key, so I went today and I took all my belongings from her apartment. Except the 70 dollar magic wand she used to beat the ground with and in turn, destroyed. Not like we ever enjoyed using it anyway. I also searched for her fathers number, but only found his email to contact him when I decide to give her the news. She returns the 8th, two days before my birthday... .Do I tell her now, or do I tell her when she gets back?

I'm sorry for the profanity, and that I posted this in the wrong section. It should've been posted in Leaving.

I also apologize for double posting, I was pretty quick to rush in here and dump my feelings on this board so I didn't really have a chance to check out the rules.

I was pretty distraught after writing this... I am not the kind of person that usually needs help. Though honestly this is my first real relationship so I'm out of my depth here... Not to mention the co-dependencies at work. After going over much of the reading that is offered on bpdfamily, I feel like I need to amend my last paragraph where I ask for help.

"I also searched for her fathers number, but only found his email to contact him when I decide to give her the news. She returns the 8th, two days before my birthday... .Do I tell her now, or do I tell her when she gets back?"

I still love her, and I think that in my mind I always will. She was really the first girl in my life I have ever cared for, and the first that really cared for me. Which just makes this even harder to say:

I want to be clear, with you and myself. I am done with this relationship. I was weak in the past and when it wasn't her telling me to leave, she was telling me what she'll do if I do leave; but I am not going to let myself be weak any longer. I want and need to move on, and I also want her to move on. But I am afraid of what she'll do to herself when I do. I also do not want to involve the police if at all possible. I would like her to be with friends or family but shes from the east coast and that's where her family is.

Do I break up with her over the phone? This isn't something I would want for myself, but maybe because she's with her parents it would be for the best.

If I wait for her to come home... .Her father, whom I've never even spoken with or knows of my existence, is a neurologist. I know that he has been instrumental in getting her help in the past. When I break up with her, and if she returns before I do it, I want to have an email draft written that I send to her father as I'm exiting her apartment. I have asked a lifelong friend to help me by giving me a ride out. That will give him some heads up that his daughter will need some kind of attention even if she's doing such a great job disguising it over the phone.

I have a week to push her away before no contact starts,

I started calling her by her name tonight instead of the nickname I've given her. She immediately noticed... .What do I do here?

Acknowledging that I am doing it on purpose will trigger the break up words... I just know it will... and I want to be confident that breaking up on the phone is not the most selfish and immature way of handling this.

What do I say when she says she loves me now?

Mumbling something under my breath isn't going to work, and I do love her. But I don't like saying the words anymore... I feel almost ashamed of the fact now.

How do I respond to requests?

Last week I promised her I would make her a twitter account and her own blog for her thesis papers... .

Because of my guilt, I did both before posting here after she went to sleep... .

I made the excuse to myself that as long as its done before the break, its ok... Well, is it?

Agh, this is much longer than I wanted it to be.  Why can't this be simple.

Hi Brood, 

Welcome aboard.

I am sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. I know how difficult it is so to love someone and not be cope with erratic and dramatic behavior. 

The foundation of BPD is the inability to regulate and control emotions. People with BPD (pwBPD) are inherently emotionally vulnerable. PwBPD are hypersensitive to emotional stimuli, have a very high negative affect (emotions such as anger or sadness), and have an intense response to emotional stimuli. In essence, an emotional response of a pwBPD in stressful situations is heightened.

Underneath the exterior of a person with BPD (pwBPD), there are core wounds of shame and self-loathing.  Shame and self-loathing lead to feelings of "not being good enough," low self-worth, and self-disgust. The feelings/emotions attached to shame/self-loathing range from extreme anxiety to depressivity.  For a pwBPD, these feelings/emotions are intense and painful.

PwBPD can become triggered quite easily when they are in a dysregulating state. To assuage or "regulate"  the painful feelings/emotions a pwBPD will engage in maladaptive coping techniques. Maladaptive coping mechanisms include suppression, avoidance, self-sabotaging/destructive behavior (self-harm, suicide, binge eating), projection, or splitting. 

When a pwBPD is dysregulating their emotions can vacillate from anger/rage to sadness/hopelessness.  From my experience, I found it is best to have a discussion when my pwBPD is not dysregulating. I have made the mistake of having serious conversations with my pwBPD when he was dysregulating that ended up heated. When the conversation gets heated or escalated, I find it is best to step away and give each other space to cool down. I have argued back out of anger and it truly made matters worse for me. My pwBPD became more volatile.

Communication techniques really help discussing difficult things with a pwBPD. They have helped me immensely discussing my feelings or concerns to my pwBPD.  Take a look at this link.

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0)

Safety is very important, especially if there are things in the past that have turned hostile or violent. Do you feel that it is unsafe to have this conversation in person?

PwBPD are very perceptive to things, especially emotions. If she has already noticed that you stopped calling her by her nickname, she probably knows that something is going on.  How did you answer her inquiry?

Why are you ashamed to say that you love her?

Hey Eagles,

I haven't been able to sleep because I'm just refreshing this page repeatedly and reading other posts.

Just getting my feelings out mixed with the growing thoughts of leaving her make me a little ashamed to tell her that I love her... especially when I am staying up all night formulating a plan that I'm pretty sure will destroy her.

I answered her question by saying her nickname and telling her that I loved her. But I felt guilt and shame that I wasn't strong enough to say something about it then... .But then it's over texts and fk that...

Unfortunately, where I am at now, I think it's too late to save this relationship. Communication has always been something I have required from her, whether we were fighting or not. It became very easy for me to spot the signs that she wasn't approachable, but many other times I would trigger this state by saying something mean or insensitive, her words. I've been reading many others' posts and it's hard for me to imagine a relationship like this lasting longer than mine. My partner has always had a BF, her whole life. She's told me the awful things these 'men' did to her, and I think it had a lot to do with a mix of them being complete physically abusive fkbags and her disorder clashing. It's interesting to hear her talk about her mother because they have many similar traits of anxiety, depression and rage. She was also bulimic when we first met... So many issues to help her through... .And then she's my perfect woman, right?

Thank you for your reply, I was really so relieved to find a place I could talk about this. It's almost 8 in the morning here, I'm going to get some shut eye and this will be the first thing I look at when I wake up. Other than her texts... Which will surely be cute as all hell, probably something about the blog I created for her. Or the food her mom and her and making. Anyways thanks again for the love.

I understand that you could feel this way. You have to do what is best for you and that is the bottom line.  Sometimes when we love someone and they are not right for us, the most loving thing we can do is let them go. Letting someone go with love really can help with feelings of guilt.


Communication is very important in a relationship. It can be tricky to talk to someone with BPD. PwBPD tend to need a lot of validation. Their need for validation comes from their feelings of shame, low self-worth/self-esteem.  Validation is good for all types of people. Communication in general is a way to express your needs, wants, feelings, and emotions. When we are unable to do that it can be invalidating for us.  If we are not communicating to another person, it may be invalidating for them. Communication techniques help. 

Are her issues too much for you to handle?  Do her issues outweigh her positive attributes (perfect woman)?

Hey again,

Like I said I'm just not an angry person and it scares me when every time we fight we get a little closer to doing something physical to each other that I would consider to be completely inappropriate. If she wants to hit me that's ok, but when she draws blood or hits me unexpectedly my physical reactions are becoming more reflex and more dangerous. The last time this happened, and I hate to even think about this, she drug her nails across my face and I gave her a push that sent her across the room, into the opposite wall and on her ass. I can't even explain to you how fkng worthless I felt looking at her on the ground. I vowed that day that if I ever did that again I would end it there... .But I can't even make it that far...

To more completely answer your question no, I could handle staying with her. I just don't think that she could handle what I would become. I don't think I could either.

Also, her traits SEEM to outweigh the problems I'm having with her but at the same time when I think about all the times I say something and it sends her in to a spiraling pit of despair I can't help but get a little annoyed, which really bothers me. I know it's not me, but that second, she'll notice, and go in to panic attacks... I think she's having panic attacks anyways. Sitting there crying, gasping for the air that allows her to get one word out at a time... Even her tears make me angry sometimes... .Is any of this 'normal'? Also what do I say to her? Do I carry this out until she flys back here and then tell her and then leave her alone in the apartment we just spent two years in? So if not then I call her and tell her it's over? Please help me with this...



I think that just the fact that I started crying uncontrollably while reading about people with BPD tells me that I have no idea what I talking about maybe? And that there's a lot more damage than I previously thought.

The thought of losing her hurts so bad, just thinking of her with any less of a man than me is unbearable.

But continuing down the road were on is worse in my mind, and I can't continue putting her through that.

My head is such a mess, I have to work 11 hour days starting tomorrow and going on for two months...

I'm just listening to this song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hfBQXa6iTP8) on repeat to hopefully brainwash the pain away...

Hi Brood,

I can see how emotionally distressing this is. I'm sorry you're going through this. I can relate with the angry feelings and worried about becoming angrier nd feeling like we're becoming something that we're not. It can feel like we have knots in our stomach being on an emotional roller coaster. Do you feel like you lost yourself in the shuffle?

It sounds like you know if you continue on your path that things are likely going to get worst for you? I can understand how hard it is to exit a r/s and the anxiety, fearful feelings that we can have with starting over and worrying about our partners and with being with another guy. I get it.

I think the first step is the hardest, we can detach and feel better, it does get better.

Hey Mutt

Thanks for the reply.   ... I don't think I have lost myself, I have remained a pretty independent extrovert for much of my life and I think that with her gone for two weeks it has just given me a chance to take a breath and assess my situation, and deem it more unhealthy than I previously thought.

But what is the safest way to detach? Do it now and let her parents deal with the aftermath? Or do it here and call the police once she sends me pictures of her cutting herself?

Obviously the parents' house sounds better, but will she hide her emotions for them and wait to explode once she returns? God this is just a very hard choice to make and I'm running out of time to make my plan.

Hi Brood,

That's good to hear that you haven't lost yourself. You can see how a couple of weeks makes a difference for the FOG to lift? Imagine how that would feel like in a month or in a couple of months?

I can see hoe stressful that this would be with the choices that you are making. What's the most difficult thing for you to cope with atm? Are you most worried about how she may react and sending you pictures?

You have your things out of her place? I don't think that there's a right or wrong here's a right or wrong here can understand the feelings of guilt and obligation. She may send you pictures and she may not and no one knows for sure. I think that a lot of the anxiety is with the speculations. She may very well react at her parents  and when you say that she when she seems like she keeps it together, she wears a mask ( false sense of self ) that she displays to world.

It sounds like you have all of the right ideas and I think it helps to talk? Do you feel like either situation with telling her while she's at her parents or if she returns that you're worried about her?

Yes and it's because of the fog beginning to lift that I have made the decision to leave her. Unfortunately I cant quite make out what you were trying to say in a few of your sentences, Ill try to answer as best as I can.

Either decision is equally as tough, I have never thought that breaking up out of person could be the right choice and I also don't want her to hurt herself. (She has cut herself and sent me pictures before.) And I also don't want her scholastic endeavors to be put at risk because I called the police. And also no, I am not worried about receiving pictures of her self harm, just that she thinks that will affect me. I have sat her down and told her that I will not respond to threats of self harm or to myself. If she wants to hurt herself or me, that is or will become her problem very quickly because I will not react in her favor.

Yes, as I said in my vent post I went to her place yesterday and took all my things. I left a bag of things I bought her while she was away, and since the 10th is my birthday she will also be bringing gifts home to me... . I agree a lot of this anxiety is because of speculation, but how else does one prepare for something like this without thinking through every avenue? And yes I have seen her wear this mask almost every time she gets on the phone with her parents... Hiding me like some ugly malformed dog.

It definitely helps to talk about it I have learned this past 24 hours... I cant talk about it with the friends I have around me because they have been drug through this mess enough in the past. I have to deal with it alone this time, well not including this wonderful support group. Can you rephrase your very last question?

 

Hi Brood,

I can see how I'm not clear. I can see how you don't want your friends involved in this. I think we can feel isolated and confused when we're dealing with a relationship with the mentally ill. We talked about the mask? Your girlfriend may display a different side of herself when there are other people around? A r/s with someone that displays characteristics or traits of BPD is a very difficult dynamo and difficult to explain to friends and family when often the acting out us behind closed doors?


You mentioned co-dependency and this is the point I am getting at. The bolded portion, you know the answer. I get the sense that you're worried about her? It sounds like you may not know where one person ends and the other person begins - intertwined.

You can get off of this emotional rollercoaster and understand that she's responsible for her feelings and her actions and she may try to solicit an emotional reaction from you by sending pictures.

Either way I think that if you tell her while she's staying at her parents, it should soften the blow before she gets home and finds that your stuff has been removed from her place? You may want to give yourself space to stop the bleeding, step back and look at the bigger picture, heal your wounds and detach with no contact as a temporary tool until you feel better?

You have 24/7 support here with members that can relate with how difficult and painful a r/s with a pwBPD can be. How does no contact sound to you?

Hey Mutt

Thanks again for your support, I think the thing that is confusing me the most is all your question marks haha but I think I have it under control now.  :)

I ended up spilling some of the beans to my friends tonight... unfortunately for them, they wanted to be supportive so I let them know why I was hanging my head at our Sunday night ritual... I kept it from the one person who was affected the most by our past break ups though...

Anyways yes, I definitely have developed co-dependent traits, and if there's anything to be gained from a break up with someone like this, it's that you learn a lot about yourself. And since I am VERY immature when it comes to keeping a 'normal' relationship I think that it isn't too hard to see why. I left my college town around the age of 19, had sexual partners but didn't pursue any of them for a number of reasons. The last girl I liked so much but I had already planned to move 3 hours away and once I was moved my schooling really had an impact on the balance of my life. Like I said, I didn't have sex for 6 years in between my last girl at age 19 and this one, we met at 24.

So I think I spent much of that time fantasizing about relationships that I could have had in the past and might have in the future. I think this was the driving force behind why we got together in the first place. She had just gotten in to town from across the country, was alone, scared of a new city with some pretty crushing stories to tell of her past. I was a rock in her eyes I think, never left my home state and mentally sound.

I was never able to be aware of my codependent traits because I really didn't exercise them in any sort of real relationships. Just friends with benefits type situations, that may have confused or hurt me without me noticing in itself. I have always been a little shy, and I honestly never understood why these girls would have sex with me and pretend like there was no connection between us... I guess I was just being used? I don't know. She was in to me(my s/o), but I'm seeing now that I'm really just being used again. I'm being used as a rock that isn't allowed to speak his mind without hurting my s/o, or pissing her off... .I don't want that. I put up with it because I thought it was just a small thing, but it's her whole personality. She doesn't care what I think or how I feel or what I say. All she cares about is that I am there by her side at all the times.

Mutt, I read your reply before going to my friends place and when I got back home I made myself repeat these words:



"Once I've made the decision to leave her, she's not my responsibility. I've made the decision to leave her, she's no longer my responsibility."

I stumbled with the words the first few times but I did feel noticeably less anxious after it came out a few times. I think I may have to recite this a few more thousand times before I make any real progress though.

I spoke with my mother tonight as well and she thinks it would be easier on her if she was at her parents as well. I still found her father's email address, I still care for her, would it be wrong of me to still send a message to her father after I call her and let her know how I'm feeling? Would it be wrong to include him?

I have the utmost respect for your opinion Mutt, but does anyone else have advice to offer in this situation?

I certainly want space after I make the call. I have read everything on no contact, besides EVERY story on the message boards, and I know it's what needs to happen. She will try and contact me through every route available to her, fortunately my building has a locking front door and I don't own a car for her to find. But last time this happened she called and called and called and then sat outside the building in her car overnight and left in the morning. That's when I collapsed and apologized and took a cab back to her place... .Ugh!

The stories on this board also paint a pretty good picture that people with these disorders do not change... I'm trying not to care, but does that mean that pwBPD will NEVER have a healthy relationship? Is there a type of person or personality who can manage pwBPD? I've read that they can technically change but that it takes a serious amount of effort. Something I believe my s/o was trying to accomplish when she met me and I forced my way in to her life. She was really quite persistent that we NOT be in a relationship at first. But then later, I saw that look in her eye, like I was her superman, and I couldn't let anyone get in between my chance at 'true love'. Not even her...

... .I've made the decision to leave her, she's no longer my responsibility...  :'(

I'm planning on writing a script today, calling her and delivering her the message maybe tomorrow as shes supposed to fly back here on Friday.

Concluding with a request that we not speak again for a while, or ever.

I'm worried she'll end the call early before I get everything out.

I don't want this to last more than one call so I will probably block the number immediately after the call ends.

Ill post what I have when I have it. Thanks guys. Talk soon.

Brood,

Thank you for having the courage to be honest with yourself and sharing your story. It really resonated with me as I also dated someone from a conservative family. It really does look like you know that things will only get worse if you do stay. Hell, you have those 5 experiences that tell you for sure that that's going to be the case.

Can you reconsider contacting her father? I feel like it could be construed as the ultimate betrayal:

1. she's kept your relationship and even existence hidden this whole time, and to reveal that out of her terms? oh man. We're talking your typical Indian family here. Not only will she hurt, but her parents probably will too. I have dealt with many conservative Asian families to tell you that it will most likely go bad if you do tell. Of course there are exceptions.

2. At the end, do you really need to tell him anything? Not really. He got her help before you met her and he will continue to do so

3. I saw that the SET technique was linked here. I broke up using them and it's one of the things I'm most thankful about. I wanted to tell her this whole script about how I loved her, wanted her to get better etc... .it was turning into a monologue of sorts.

what the SET allowed me to do was say all of those things, but to keep it extremely brief. Don't try to argue, justify, or try to talk logic. If you do do it over the phone, she will most likely try to counter-argue. When you have healed and detached the emotions, you can certainly tell her your well wishes at the time. I left on a similar note; packing while she's gone, but instead of a few days before my birthday, it was hers. It was incredibly hard because I had planned her surprise party with her best friend and everything. At the end of the day I am glad that I took care of myself and what you said about no one else being your responsibility is very true. Leaving cleanly using SET, i was at least able to leave with my dignity and sanity. I knew deep down that there is no turning back and I wanted to prove that I can change indeed change my life for the better. I had been volunteering to be hurt and be in pain all this time. I blocked every form of communication, I needed to take care of myself and didn't need to hear hurtful messages or text messages.




Lastly, if you really think she is going to be suicidal, call an ambulance.

Edit: I saw the part about the requests. I would do what feels right for you. As for breaking up over the phone, why not? You've recycled many times when you broke up in person, wouldn't hurt to try another route. Hell, I left with a letter myself because I knew I would cave in.

Again, do what works best for you.

Thanks never,

No one I know understands what it's like being hidden from your s/o's family. It's pretty strange actually. Thank you for letting me know about contacting her father, it's not about suicide. She's never mentioned suicide. She has mentioned cutting her face... but it's really just about her having support if she needs it. Obviously her parents don't monitor her well enough to keep her from cutting.

An update though, she just called me at work. Sounded happy enough, didn't mention her mother so she must be doing ok. The phone call completely destroyed me, I had to leave work quickly to type this in seclusion afterwards. She noticed my depression, I blamed it on the heat and me starting 11 hour days... .I couldn't tell her, not like that. She told me I didn't have to read this book anymore, Orientalism, because the vocabulary was probably too difficult for me anyway. Thanks for the permission and the insult... Did I mess up by not ending it there? And yes I wanted the script to basically be SET steps. Make sure I hit every point and tell her we shouldn't talk anymore. I'll write it down after work tonight in 6 hours.

Hang in there Brood!


pwBPD can be incredibly intuitive with other people's feelings. I used to mistake it for empathy, oh boy was i wrong

Today was the first time I had spoken to her on the phone since I made the commitment to myself to end the relationship. Since she left and since I made the decision, her words are noticeably sharper. She literally insulted my intelligence and it wasn't a joke, there was no laughter. Just a smug attitude about a huge book I really don't have time to read... It really pissed me off... damn it! 

I finished my rough of what I want to say on the phone tomorrow evening:

":)earest,

I'm sorry for all the rough times we've had in the past and I'm sorry that our relationship was able to become so out of balance. I care about you a lot and it hurts me to say that I couldn't make our relationship work the way we talked about when we first met.

Throughout our two years together we did have some really good times but we had far too many bad times. I was with you every step of the way but I could never grasp how to be sensitive enough to avoid breaking your heart when you needed my strength the most and for that I am also deeply sorry. I know how it made you feel, I saw how it made you feel. Every time I hurt you I would hurt deep inside too because I didn't understand what to say or what to do to make it better for you and that's my failure.

I have come to see that I trigger this is you and instead of it getting better it's getting worse with every fight. I feel empty inside and now, when I think of the future, I become scared of who I'll be. I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. I want this relationship to be over so that we can both continue to grow healthily, rather than being stuck in our toxic cyclic ways. I think it would be best if we dont talk about this eanymore"

Notes?

Like... .It sounds good to me. I'm not blaming her, I apologize for what I think I could have done to make the relationship better... I tell her I don't want to speak to her... Am I being too apologetic? Am I telling her how she feels? I felt that I was taking all the blame for all the problems I brought up. So this should work without a hitch, right? Third night I've stayed up all night obsessing over this phone call...

Do you think you will be able to stick with the script if she hypothetically starts projecting or becomes angry?

I think it will be hard but I've been reading it over and over to try and make it easier.  Do you think it'll be impossible? I hope I can do this when the time comes today...

I do not think that it is impossible. I do think that you should prepare yourself for anger/projection/manipulation. From your history with her, it seems that she has done this quite often. Upholding your boundaries/wants/needs are essentially when discussing something that is potentially triggering for her.

As rotiroti mentioned, SET is very useful for discussing highly sensitive matter. It will make the conversation easier for you and her. Have you had a chance to look at the format?

Yes I have, I tried to write my script with set in mind, I apologize, understand her position and the end is all about how I feel... Is it too much about the problems I see in myself? Or should I tell her what shes done wrong to me? My friend at work is being pretty supportive, he's telling me it's like a presentation in class... Just get it over with... I don't feel ready yet.  :'(

I can see that there are many things you want to say. I don't think it's impossible, but like EaglesJuju says be prepared. I'm concerned especially the beginning of your last post saying that she was berating your intelligence and was noticeably sharper. Does it have to be a phone call or in person? Can a brief SET letter be an option for you?

Sometimes it's an option when the other side is unwilling or unable to communicate. But you know yourself and her best and you should do what you feel is to be the best.

I think a phone call is best, the worst is in person. When I can see her tears and anguish, it destroys my resolve... The phone will take that away but I'm afraid of the power she might have if she hangs up before I finish. Then I will feel that it's not complete. She just texted again, I need to get this over with. So the letter is decent? I feel like I just need approval... My whole life is about to be turned upside down. I haven't lived in my apartment for two years because of this relationship.

So the letter is decent?

Sorry not letter, script**

The content of the letter are very sweet and genuine. It's obvious that you really care for her and want to explain many things, however I personally feel that it is quite lengthy and that opens it up to interruptions. If you have access to any of the BPD books like "Stop Walking on Eggshells" they have great examples of SET -- which is to validate (which you do in your script) also while keeping it very brief and non-emotional.

Do you plan on reading that beginning to end? Be prepared to be cut off or have things nit-picked just in case. If she gets angry or sad keep your cool, don't take them personally especially going into this looking for approval.

I hope it's brief Never  

The closer I get to the call the more it hurts. I can't eat and my sleep has been awful  It feels like something is twisting everything inside of me. The pain hurts so bad... You think I should shorten it?

She apparently can't talk because she doesn't like being seen on the phone by her parents... Should I just demand she separate herself for this call?

Oh my god it's killing me to talk to her like this!

Just remind yourself what you want. That loving yourself is also important to you. Good luck Brood

You're right. Thank you. We'll talk soon I'm sure.

Wow so I can not get her to call me, she says there's no chance of talking today and probably not tomorrow... Wtf!

I've already initiated some kind of bad news and she's feeling the anxiety of not knowing what it is... .I'm so confused... Now I can't say anything to her because I don't want to hint at it over text at all... .

Is this more manipulation?

I can't help but be suspicious of her every action now...

Like finding a room away from her parents to talk to me would be that hard.

pwBPD can be very intuitive. I think she saw that bad news is coming.

Her last text,

"I even gave a nice apology and everything and you're still being really weird"

I think if I let her stew on this she might call me? I don't think it's going to be good when she finally does though, she'll probably be brought to tears before she decides she can't wait any more. Maybe I should just stay silent until it happens?

What a nightmare.

I have to tell you guys what she has been saying... .I just, can't believe I have been so blind in the past. I'm pretty sure we are done talking tonight. Sorry 'texting'.

I'm going to stop texting back in the hopes her anxiety and depression drives her to call me. Anyways the transcript of the past few minutes... .

at 5:11

-B?

Yes M?

-I wont be able to call. Can you tell me whats wrong so I can stop worrying? My tummy is upset over it even. And Im bb!

-I even gave you a nice apology and everything and your still being really weird

-OK I tired, but I have had a long day. I cant stare at my phone anymore. Gnight.

No but you could call if you really wanted to.

-No, I cant

-I said I couldn't. And then I apologized profusely.

-I feel bad about it, yet you are being difficult.Good night B. Maybe tom

-Maybe tomorrow the stick from your ass will be removed.

-Thanks for making my day much harder than it already was.

I'm sorry for making your day more difficult and I understand how you must feel but when I ask to call me, that is what I want you to do.

-I already apologized B, but I cant. I refuse to feel bad about it anymore. I already tried to do what I could. Now good night, Im done with this, its pointless.

No. What I want is not pointless.

Nothing I want matters to you, does it? You really dont care...

-I didnt say what you wanted is pointless, I said me trying to help you within my means is pointless. And after all this, if you think that I really dont care, then I really have nothing else to way to you, do I?

-I nearly had a panic attack when you said you weren't ok, I postponed our dinner for a while to try to make sure everything was ok, I had to lie down, I couldnt enjoy the dinner that we had been planning since last year... .My mom was finally well enough to go today. But of course you think I dont care. So now, on top of creating stress and anxiety, you makeme cry and hurt my feelings. Leave me alone B.

Listen, I wont be guilt tripped M. I wanted to speak with you, youve done all that other stuff by yourself.

-Youre right. Its all my fault.

I have said nothing that should have hurt your feelings.

-You said I didnt care.

-I have been trying to show you that I do, and my reactions today should have been representative as well

You dont, if you did you would go through the risk to give me what I want. Instead you say no and follow it with a sorry.

That is not the same.

-Ok, we will just have to disagree on that then.

-I must not care then. And since that is the case I am finished communicating with you.

Im done b___ing about how she talks to me, Ive said everything Ive needed to throughout this thread at this point. I have grieved, vented, and you great people helped me through that. I am speechless. And now I am angry. I will wait for her to call and I might watch it go to voicemail. I dont want her coming at me screaming... Maybe Ill answer the second time. Maybe the third. It's fkd up but the panic attacks, the insults, the shame and guilt... .This whole time I was reserving the right to believe she could really be this pwBPD and as soon as I started learning these people's habits was the moment I saw what true qualities this person really has. I am pretty sure that bpdfamily has saved me, the person who I am and who I have always hoped I would stay. I love all of you for this, and I can't wait to be done so I can help others like me. Thank you.  

Ill post again if anything develops.

:-( stay strong

Klacey!  :) Hey!

I think that many of us here have dealt with situations like the one you've described. I have certainly. I was just telling echo in pm how humbling it is when you wake up and start noticing how different our s/owBPD treats us in comparison to how we treat them.

I can't tell you how many times this girl would explode, blame all her anger and pain on me, abusively, and I was left sitting on the couch thinking to myself... What just happened? Like, do I matter at all? I never said this to her because of how sad SHE would get! My self respect was obviously very low during the course of our time together. Then I would be blamed for not tending to her pain. The guilt trips... Which makes me totally shrug off what was just done to me.

My whole two years with this girl was basically a repetition of brief happiness, mood swing, fight, I make up to her, and then back to brief happiness. Not only was this exhausting to deal with on a daily basis, every time it happened I hated her a little more. A little piece of my heart would flake off and be replaced with guilt. Last week I realized that the 'love' was gone and all that was left was pain and guilt for things I thought I DID WRONG. Ha!

I still feel like I love her, but in the past 12 hours even that has started to fade.

Also I wrote this in reply to what you had originally but I can see you never meant to post here. Since I type it on my phone though I'm just going to post anyways.

Its over, NC is starting now.

She wouldn't call me and demanded what I had to say over text so I told her. Even after she knew she wouldn't take my calls. Great, my only relationship ended by a text.

As depressing as that is, waves of relief are hitting me in the face. Which feels much better than her hands and fingernails.

Ill make a new thread if I have issues dealing with the NC. Thanks to everyone who helped, I would not be here without it.

 

You know as long as you said what *you* needed to say, I think the means of communication doesn't really matter. Stay strong and know we're here for you Brood.