BPDFamily.com

Hey guys, been a lurker for a while, decided to make an account in the hopes that I can get some sort of insight into my recent break up with my ex gf who I presume has BPD. I'm not sure if she does, which is why I'll share my story, hopefully I will get some form of closure and insight, and maybe I'll stop thinking that I am going mad.

A little background on her childhood.

My ex gf had a very traumatic childhood, rife with abandonment and emotional abuse. Her childhood was like musical chairs, constantly shifting from one caregiver to another, abandoned by both parents, one physically and the other emotionally. Basically, it was a train wreck.

Fast forward 25 years.

Our relationship moved at lightening speed, she began sending me nude pics before I even met her (we met online). Our first date ended with a sexual encounter. Of course, the lack of boundaries didn't bother me at the time, and I never considered it to be a red flag. I am a male after all. I found out we were in a relationship through Facebook, she changed her status to say she was in a relationship with me without ever discussing it with me. I found this odd, but I went along with it.

Two weeks into our relationship I was introduced to her Dr Jeckl and Mr Hyde meltdowns. It was as if she turned into a 12 year old girl throwing a tantrum, extremely visceral and disconcerting to witness. She seemed intoxicated with rage, it was scary. I felt as if I was trying to calm a child down, she went from a 25 year old woman to a 12 year old in a blink of an eye.

Once the rage exhausted itself, she would plead and beg for me not to leave her, again, just like a child. I found this very strange, it seemed as if that was her baseline belief, that of being abandoned. It dominated the relationship actually. It brought irrational jealously with it, she would get jealous of me looking at mannequins in a cloths shop. I'm not even joking. Jealous of attractive women in movies, jealous of my male friends even. It really was irrational.

These meltdowns continued throughout our relationship, as did the irrational jealousy and rage. This constant cycle of rage then begging me not to leave her. She also displayed a pattern of impulsiveness, getting out of my car mid traffic during an argument. She moved out of our house without my knowing after there was an issue with the heating, she said I didn't care about her, because I wasn't doing enough to fix it. In hindsight, this looks like 'splitting'. She just upped and left, everything was plain sailing until the heater broke, then she reasoned to herself that I didn't care about her, and she just left. This was very strange.

I broke up with her when she left, as she shattered my trust, of course, she didn't see it as a betrayal. But the breakup didn't last long, as she reeled me back into the relationship. Her constant pleading and begging wore me down. Now we lived in separate houses, but continued the relationship. Denial is an amazing thing.

The next 6 months things just got worse and worse, partly due to my resentment growing and growing over her moving out. She herself even admitted that she regretted it. It was so irrational, so impulsive, I couldn't come to terms with it. The resent grew and grew to the point the relationship came to and end, I had tried to leave it twice in those 6 months, but she reeled me back each time.

In retrospect, her ending the relationship was the most mature thing she had ever done in the relationship, she had pulled the trigger where I was too afraid to. I made one last attempt to save the relationship, and she said there was no hope it was over, so I went home. When I got back home I had a barrage of emails saying she made a mistake and didn't actually think we would break up, that we should make things work, and try and move past our issues. I was so relieved, I agreed to meet up with her on the weekend and discuss how we could make things work.

I then woke up the next morning to another barrage of emails, this time saying that she thought it was actually a bad idea to try and make things work, I was so exhausted with the seesaw, that I didn't even put up a fight, I agreed, and wished her well. My only request was that she block me from her social media so I would be saved from seeing potentially upsetting information etc. etc. She agreed to do so.

2 weeks of NC and she emails me, a very angry email saying how she doesn't want to block me from social media, that it's immature, and she doesn't ignore or forget her ex boyfriends. I was so exhausted with the seesaw that I didn't even respond to the email, I just continued on with my life. I just saw this another mind game, another way of her reeling me back into the drama.

3 days later she blocks all my family, she defriends 50+ mutual friends, just after she sending me an email saying how she doesn't block people. I found this very strange. Even stranger that she doesn't block me, in fact she changes all her privacy settings to public instead of private. She essentially gives me a front row seat to what is about to happen next.

She starts off by posting about how happy she is, she starts posting about how she has never been so happy, she then starts posting up cryptic messages about how her mother doesn't like me, she then starts posting up photos of dates she has been going on, she is flaunting it shamelessly, 3 weeks after we broke up. As you can imagine, this is causing me a great deal of agony. And she continues to do so. I didn't look at her social media by the way, I was told this by other people.

I cannot fathom why she is being so vindictive and intentionally cruel, especially since it was her that ended the relationship. I actually fear what she is going to do next, it seems like she is constantly upping the ante with regards to how cruel she is being, I also think she may be looking for a reaction out of me, one she will never get.

So here I am, 6 weeks post break up, trying to understand her cruelty. Trying to make sense of the past 2 and a half years. Trying to understand why she wants to hurt me so much, how could someone who was once so loving be so nasty ? I gave her nothing but patience, understanding and compassion for those 2 and a half years. I put up with all the drama, I sacrificed so much of myself, and this is what I get in return ? Wanton cruelty ?

Sorry for writing so much, I feel so battered and bruised. I just had to get it out there and see what ye guys think of the whole thing. There are so many other behaviors of hers that fit the profile of someone with BPD, mirroring, no sense of self, splitting, emotional immaturity etc. etc. I could go on and on.

Does any of this sound familiar ? Am I right is assuming she has BPD ?

Thanks <3

Klownfish,

  If not BPD she seriously has something wrong with her.

You know that, right? Your post screams severe dysfunction... .unhealthy, maddening, dysfunction.

Please read my past posts. I've been on here since 2013... .on and off because I kept taking her back.

My situation is similar to yours. Facebook btw is the ":)evil's Playground". Deleting and blocking is the only way to get past seeing the garbage they "manufacture" to keep you hooked.

I am going to give you an example... .

I deleted my account this time around.  I was replaced by someone who knew all the crapola I went through and went for my ex anyways.

Karma will be a beeotch... .but we will get to that later!

Recently, my "exes ex" (we are all women btw) unfriended and blocked our mutual ex.

Our ex went insane.

She had been blocked three weeks and just noticed it.

All of a sudden she was texting this ex... .25 times in an hour! Calling her names and then begging her to call her. I told her to ride out the tantrums and she did. Next, the ex sends her a Facebook post... .

She literally copied the post and texted it since this ex has blocked and deleted her.  It mentioned me, our breakup and how sad it is no one is

"taking her emotions into consideration" and all these people are un-friending her.

Her emotions? She cheated on me and dumped me. We were supposed to get on a plane for Mexico in two weeks... .left me financially strapped and emotionally drained. We got a puppy who lives with her.

All that, gone.

And she is worried about how people are making HER feel.

I am at the point I don't give a flying rats arse what she thinks or feels.

It's like this... .

Sorry I got long winded and worked up there, my friend... .there is a point... .

The point is this... .don't go off of what you see on FB. The best thing you can do is delete and block or as in my case, go inactive for a month or so... .it is actually freeing.

But don't believe what you see on there. Remember words she said? Her actions and her words NEVER matched, right? Here my ex is supposedly madly in love and "happy" yet she is pissed an ex deleted her from her life.

If she were truly happy, a facebook delete would not have that kind of effect. She is mad she is losing "supply". She is losing an enabler.

People are wising up.

Finally.


I am sorry you are dealing with this.  It is hard. Just keep reading and posting. It gets better... .I promise.

PW

Hey Klown-


Because she has to be, it's survival, a way to deal with emotions she can't deal with otherwise.  You wrote several things that indicate traits of the disorder, and it's very helpful to read the articles on this site and other posts, which you've been doing.  In the end the diagnosis or 'label' we assign to our exes doesn't matter, it boils down to whether or not the behaviors were or weren't acceptable to us, but it does help to connect with people and read things that you can relate to and connect with, so good thing you found this site.

The week after I left my ex I went to her FB page and she had changed her relationship status to 'single' and was flirting up a storm on her wall, which was painful to read, but part of me, even in the fog, knew it wasn't good for me to be reading that, so I stopped and haven't been back since, somehow it was easy.  Now quitting smoking?  That was a lot harder, and what I did was every time I had an urge for a cigarette I'd do pushups instead, until the urge went away, and boy did I do a lot of pushups, but the point is when we're trying to kick an addiction, which a relationship with a borderline can feel like, it's best to not fight it but create something new: what can you do, something that is good for you, every time you have the urge to check her page? 

There are plenty of lessons and growth down the road, and you can't get to them if you retain an emotional connection with your ex through FB, so that's something to look forward to as well.  Take care of you!

When I read your post, I see someone who has a strong sense of self and respect -- seriously, you don't play into her games and you know not to check into her life. You're here trying to seek answers and while no one can confirm if your ex had BPD or not, it's very obvious that there is something seriously wrong with her and that she is a terrible partner.

Like Pretty Woman says, it really does get better with time.

Thanks for reading guys, I know it was long winded, just needed to get some perspectives on it !

I've never had a breakup like this, the vindictiveness is alarming. I know a label won't heal me, but it will give me a better insight to why she is the way she is.

I am CONVINCED beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it is BPD. There is so much more that I could tell ye, but as I write this, I'm realising just how dysfunctional she actually is. I feel as if I dodged a bullet. I shudder at the idea she could have been the mother of my children.

6 weeks post break up and I am bracing myself for what she will resort to next. All I can do is to continue to ignore her attempts to provoke me and carry on with my own life. At the end of the day, she will be the victim of her own dirty tricks, not me.

Thanks again <3 <3 <3

Detachment is a process, so keep posting as you work through it.  I was convinced my ex is a borderline too, after reading countless stories I could have written and reading descriptions that fit my ex to a tee, and the connection with that and with members on this site helps a great deal.  Take care of you!

I will continue to read the posts on this site, everything I am reading is making so much sense to me.

It was the lack of a sense of self which actually brought me to the possibility she might have BPD. Identity for her was very painful, she was like a chameleon, always trying to be what she thought people expected out of her. She was always wearing a mask. She was also very unhappy, I googled 'lack of identity' and 'fear of abandonment' and it brought me to BPD.

Since discovering such a thing even existed, it has cleared up so much confusion for me. She has been in therapy since I've known her, but I suspect this 'therapy' is nothing other than enabling her. I don't actually think there is any real attempts at addressing her issues.

Which is sad, I only hope she realises that her behaviour is dysfunctional, and she seeks help so she can enjoy life to the full. Nobody should be burdened with such irrational behaviour.

In retrospect, her ending the relationship was the most mature thing she had ever done in the relationship, she had pulled the trigger (engulfment) where I was too afraid to. I made one last attempt to save the relationship, and she said there was no hope it was over, so I went home. When I got back home I had a barrage of emails saying she made a mistake and didn't actually think we would break up (abandonment triggered. Notice her reasoning here. She is not saying she wants you; she is saying she doesn't want the "attachment"/relationship to dissolve. When that dissolution became a "real" possibility, she ran back to you to resecure the attachment. This is one maladapted aspect of the disorder; this is why we, the Non's, get hurt---it is "not" about us, it is about their "need.", that we should make things work, and try and move past our issues. I was so relieved, I agreed to meet up with her on the weekend and discuss how we could make things work.

I then woke up the next morning to another barrage of emails, this time saying that she thought it was actually a bad idea to try and make things work (not engulfment. Because of the actions, her actions, which followed her newest proclamation, this is splitting you black and discarding you rather than engulfment triggered. It's not engulfment because it's a permanent gesture. Has she ran a smear campaign against you? Is she receptive to your communications? Etc. The pwBPD actually abandons the attachment at this point, which, by default, entails that the Non is abandoned.)... .

That's BPD driving the bus; you're a passenger... .and she is as well. The only thing that you can do, if you decide to stay on the bus, is to strap in and put your helmet/safety gear on (and please try to keep her safe as well!). The other option is to exit the bus.

Whatever you choose to do, keep her well-being in mind, but act accordingly to take care of yourself. Your well-being is your primary responsibility.

Yup, I think it's definitely BPD, too.

I have left the bus, with no intention whatsoever to get on it, she has shown herself to be a very dangerous woman. I have no desire whatsoever to contact her, or to respond to any communication she might initiate. She is like a rattlesnake.

As for the smear campaign, I fear it's in its early stages, evident by her posts about her mother not liking me. I can only imagine what she is saying to people outside of Facebook. I can only imagine what kind of horrible monster she will paint me as now she is seeing a new man.

I actually think that she has warped this whole break up as me being the one that had abandoned her, hence her ferocious vindictiveness. Her nightmare of being abandoned has finally come true (as far as she sees it).

Now she is on the attack. I just hope it doesn't escalate.

So what are you feeling Klown?  Anger, hurt, confusion, relief, anxiety, happiness, grief, none of the above?

I am feeling a cocktail of emotions, the past 6 weeks have been like a roller coaster. But the drama just seems to continue to unfold. Maybe I have come to the end of it, maybe she has exhausted her vindictiveness.

I only found out about her posting stuff on Facebook about her dates yesterday, so that was total agony, I feel better today, and better since reading this forum.

It's apparent that this is an intentional campaign of trying to hurt me as much as she can, which in a weird way, makes the break up a lot easier to digest, as it's become more and more obvious that she has some issues, and that I'm not a monster as she has almost made me believe .

Seeing a woman you love behave in such a way, is very painful.

I feel as if she is in 'scorched earth' mode. Burning even the memory of the relationship to the ground. That is very painful.

All my breakups prior to this, never descended into vindictiveness. There was always a healthy level of respect and responsibility during the breakup.

Yes, it is very painful, and I agree, a relationship with a borderline is not like other relationships, when they end and also, you might agree, when they begin.  That can be a gift too though, since it sheds light on our stuff and allows us to grow through it.  Realize too that BPD is a mental illness and she's doing what she's doing to cope with emotions she can't deal with otherwise; that doesn't make it OK, but it does help with understanding it.  There's a lot of information here that can help further, and people who have been there, so keep reading and posting, and congrats for getting here.

Thank you very much for your kind words. It is such a relief that people know what it's like to have been in a relationship with such a person.

And I totally agree, the way they start is just as unconventional as the way they end. I now know that she was in the idealisation stage during the 'courtship'. I could have told her to jump off and bridge and she would have done it. She adored me, now that I think back I can see how unhealthy that was.

I suppose I am now in the devaluation stage, it was inevitable now that I think about it. This site has been such a help, it has shed so much light on my relationship, word for word accuracy.

I suppose that is pretty much closure for me. I cannot begin to express how accurately these posts/articles describe her. It's scary.

Thanks again guys <3

Klownfish,

   You will never understand why she does these things. You know why?

You are NOT disordered. That's why.


Once you stop trying to make sense of it, and take it at face value... .which I know takes time... .

it will get better. I promise you this.

PW

Thanks PW 

I'll never be able to see the world the way she sees it.

My only hope is that she seeks help, but I don't even think she is capable of understanding that she might have some serious issues.

It will always be somebody else's fault.

You can't save her. Maybe she will get help. Maybe she needs to hit rock bottom.

You've done all you can.

We can't know that she has BPD - but it doesn't matter - she is impulsive and unstable and that is what most members are working with her - it could be bipolar, ADHD, OCD, etc.

The question you may want to ask, is whether her actions are aimed at hurting you or at convincing herself that her actions were necessary, normal, stable, smart.

She probably doesn't want to see herself as a "flake"... .or worse, feel shame.  Its easier to say that the relationship was all wrong.

The one thing about impulsive people is they often give themselves away.

Thanks, Skip.

You are right, she gave herself away way too easily, let the cat out of the bag too soon. Her actions are obviously an attempt to inflict as much damage as possible, I suppose being impulsive doesn't leave much room for subtly.

At least that takes the sting out of her scorn to some degree.

Is it possible that this is more that latter than the former?

I befriended my ex (because of the children) and I learned another side of her. She was insensitive and hurtful as could be - but it was mostly about her needing to deflect her own feelings about herself.

It still stings - but this knowing it was (mostly, not entirely) not about me, helped.

Actually, now that you mention it, that does make sense.

There is definitely a "the lady doth protest too much" air about what she is doing.

This may well be a strategy or denial on her part.

So I'll meet you half way, I reckon it's denial and a hint of vindictiveness 

My father reckons that I called her bluff, and this is why she has resorted to such things.

It backfired on her.

And I'm certain it's not OCD or ADHD etc. etc.

Just before we broke up she was researching what was wrong with her, she actually knew something was awry, and one of the main complaints was that she didn't know who she was. This coupled with unhappiness.

It was that that led me to google post break up, to see if I could find out her issue. I stumbled upon BPD.

It was then just a case of joining all the dots, and my relationship with her finally made sense.

So, if this is the case, what's next?

How do you really feel about her?

~ Love her/know its not healthy/need to let go

~ Love her/willing to work it if she is

~ Don't love her

I love her, but I'm not willing to go through what I've gone through the past 2 and a half years. Like I've mentioned up the thread, she pulled the trigger, whereas I was too afraid to.

In retrospect, I should have bolted after her first meltdown, isn't hindsight great ?

This relationship has brought my own wounds into the spotlight, what is the point in me looking for a diagnosis for her ? When it's becoming ever more obvious to me that I have my own self esteem issues to deal with.

I came here to get a label for her, so I wouldn't have to face up to my own issues. If I can label her, then my own self worth doesn't come into the equation because she has BPD.

That is not healthy !

She may fear abandonment, but it seems it equals my fear of 'not being good enough'  

WOW. That was enlightening !

Yep, if it was her then it wasn't you, many of us ended up here with that motivation, myself included, and then we realize and accept that it takes two to tango and were brought our own stuff to the proceedings.  And that can be the good news too, the gift of the relationship, since the ensuing trauma can motivate us to dig into our own stuff, and once we do we might even develop compassion for our exes and empathize with the tough road they walk, and that sits peacefully within us.

Yes, all this time I was looking in the wrong direction. It takes two to tango.

It seems people with low self esteem are perfect matches for people like her.

She walked all over me, and I have to address why I would let anyone do that to me.

How much of my dignity was I willing to sacrifice ?

That's a scary question.

I abused myself by letting her abuse me !

Like I've mentioned up the thread, she pulled the trigger, whereas I was too afraid to.

She was supplying you with something that you were fearful of loseing. (The following questions are rhetorical.) What was it? Why were you so afraid of being without it? Was it really a self-esteem issue or something else? Just because you were engaged in an unhealthy relationship doesn't automatically mean that you had low self-esteem. I say this so that you will consider/explore other possibilities as to why you stayed.

Hi Klownfish,

I'm sorry that you had to go through all of this. I think that we learn from relationships, our partners mentor us and teach us about ourselves, if we take the opportunity to look in the mirror.

I think she was providing some form of external validation, validation that I seem to be unable to give myself, Apollo.

I also think she was giving me a reprieve from being alone.

Leaving her meant returning to loneliness and  feelings of worthlessness/unlovable.

Oh boy.

Yes, Mutt. I'm starting to see that now.

They bring our wounds into the light.

Yes they do. We can also mend these wounds.