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Today I finally managed to call it quits completely. I previously broke up with my uBPDgf, but I, for some reason, kept her present in "online" form through chats and some social media.

I'm glad that it's over, to be honest. I feel relief. But there were some things that happened prior to me deleting her that really made me ache more than on the day I grasped the courage to actually break up with her.

In short, the night before I found out that she has been flirting with one of our mutual "friends" and quite an intimate and personal way (soulmate material, sexual topics, reading to him from her diary where she praised him like he was godsend). Of course, she lied to me about it. She then fcked him off and then went on to get verbally intimate with some other dude she met a week or so ago (I posted this in one other topic I made).

What actually hurt me so much was that she has been saying only bad things about me to that friend of ours... .that I was an awful partner, that I never did anything for her and that things were so bad that she barely has nice memories. She went so far as to tell him that she doesn't remember our first kiss (which we talked about a lot during our relationship)

It just made me feel worthless and pathetic. I hoped that I have at least savored some nice moments with her, that there were still some nice memories to fight for... .but hearing those things just made me feel used and like everything, every moment and feeling, was just a lie. It honestly broke my heart completely.

Projecting their pain upon us through cognitive distortions is devastating, crawler. Its tough to look at bo the the r/s and also ourselves objectively through the lens of distortion and pain. It takes time to gain clarity, away from the false selves that they may project onto us after a break up. The smear campaign is additionally hard. What public boundaries do you have to stay safe from that?

Luckily, it was a long distance relationship, so social media and chats were the only way we could contact each other. I deleted her everywhere and now she can only get in touch with me via email.

What are the chances that she will try contacting me? She is currently occupied with that new person in her life and she is in her "happy" phase, so I sincerely hope that there is 0% of her focus on me. I actually feel like me walking out of her life had no impact on her.

At the moment, I'm feeling better, but it's just hard to escape some thoughts in my head. I really don't know how to manage my emotions right now. It almost feels to me like I deserved all that from her.

It's hard isn't it? Logic and common sense tell us we don't deserve this treatment but the worthless feelings they leave you with say otherwise. I am a serious emotional wreck just now so may not be writing/thinking too clearly but many times I have looked at my ex and said, why are you doing this to me. I have loved, cared and supported you I don't deserve this. You knew at that moment you didn't deserve it so what has changed? Try to remember saying that and how you felt at the time. It sort of helps me.x