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Title: Hello Post by: lisazoe on August 03, 2015, 07:47:47 PM Hi there
I am in a relationship with the most amazing guy I have ever met... .yeah he's got his faults but hey we're not all perfect ... . It's his Mother. He told me from the get go about how his mum has always controlled him in life and his siblings and how she has these rages at them when things don't go how she wants it to. How she has no friends and none of her family or her husbands family ever speak to her. It took him a good 23 yrs before he was able to see her for how she is and now tends to just ignore her behaviour as this is the easiest tactic. Our relationship was kept a secret until recently at my partners request. I hated the lying and kept saying wouldn't it just be better to be honest about it. He kept saying no as his mother would be negative about it and he couldn't be bothered with her crap. He was right! She already knew me as I met her son when he moved in as my boarder. Until the day she found out that we were actually a couple she thought I was a really nice person. That changed within a split second. Suddenly I am (apparently) controlling him, preventing him from seeing and communicating with his family, trying to get him to parent my child ( I have a daughter from a previous marriage), I'm taking all his money despite the fact I have a job and earn more than him, use and take all his possesions which so happen to be mostly mine from my house, taking away his dignity, controlling his career to suit my own purposes... .the list goes on and on and on... . I am 12 yrs older than he is (sadly I've just turned 40! and he is 28) and as you can imagine this doesn't go down well at all. She has outright lied to my partner saying that she knows why my ex and I broke up and its because I'm such a bad woman etc etc... .my ex and I have a good relationship which is actually a good friendship which we have built on the basis of meeting the needs of our daughter and we all get along extremely well. My story will typically reflect so many others on here. It is so interesting to read and see what tactics others have of coping and dealing with these BPD people. Oh and MIL is undiagnosed, I have completely diagnosed her of course but it was so easy once I found the right information. I have thought maybe she doesn't have BPD and is just a bad person but her paranoia and narcisissim have convinced me there is mental illness. I have come to realise that although she may have mental illness it doesn't condone her behaviour and I will not put up with it. I'm not confrontational with her I just let her comments go as I know they are fabricated lies in her head that she believes. My partner knows she is lying and his method was to ignore her, now he calls her out on the lies and tells her its unacceptable... .surprise surprise she blames me for influencing him when he stands up to her. I have made peace with the fact I'm fighting a losing battle and she will always blame me for whatever happens between her and her son. I guess all I want is for her to leave me alone and never involve my daughter in her antics. My partner can have whatever relationship he chooses with her as I won't ever make him choose but I just want her to butt out of my life if that makes any sense. I look forward to reading more info and finding support and help along the way. I never in a million years expected to have this happen in my life but hey we can't predict life can we. One thing is clear... .my partner (at this time of our lives) is totally worth it and I will support him in whatever way I can with this issue. Cheers Lisa Title: Re: Hello Post by: Kwamina on August 04, 2015, 01:52:13 PM Hi lisazoe
Welcome to the family! :) It's his Mother. He told me from the get go about how his mum has always controlled him in life and his siblings and how she has these rages at them when things don't go how she wants it to. Would you say his mother uses/used things such as fear, obligation and guilt to intimidate and control your partner and his siblings? If so, you might find the following article interesting: Fear, Obligation And Guilt (FOG): How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog) Until the day she found out that we were actually a couple she thought I was a really nice person. That changed within a split second. Suddenly I am (apparently) controlling him, preventing him from seeing and communicating with his family, trying to get him to parent my child ( I have a daughter from a previous marriage), I'm taking all his money despite the fact I have a job and earn more than him, use and take all his possesions which so happen to be mostly mine from my house, taking away his dignity, controlling his career to suit my own purposes... .the list goes on and on and on... . I am 12 yrs older than he is (sadly I've just turned 40! and he is 28) and as you can imagine this doesn't go down well at all. She has outright lied to my partner saying that she knows why my ex and I broke up and its because I'm such a bad woman etc etc... .my ex and I have a good relationship which is actually a good friendship which we have built on the basis of meeting the needs of our daughter and we all get along extremely well. How did this extreme shift in the way she views you make you feel? Her behavior as you describe it here sounds very much like the BPD behavior known as 'splitting': Excerpt Splitting refers to a primitive defense mechanism characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection. Splitting is a powerful unconscious force that manifests to protect against anxiety. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil, and the often confused reactions by those who try to help. Some degree of splitting is an expectable part of early mental development. It is seen in young children who, early on, press to be told "Is it good?" or "Is it bad?" We hear their frustration when we answer, "Situations are more complicated" "Yes, I know all that," they say, "now tell me, is it good or is it bad?" Normally, mental maturing advances the ego's ability to accept paradoxical affects, and to synthesize and balance complex situations. ... . Individuals suffering from borderline personality disorders live in an immature psychological world, fueled by certain constitutional vulnerabilities, where they attempt to shield themselves from conflict and anxiety by splitting the world into all good and all bad. Although this produces an sense of psychological safety, in fact, it renders relationships fragile and chaotic and drives away the very people who are so badly needed to provide stability in the borderlines life. You can read more here: BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0) My story will typically reflect so many others on here. It is so interesting to read and see what tactics others have of coping and dealing with these BPD people. ... . I look forward to reading more info and finding support and help along the way. The old cliché of 'knowledge being power', really applies to dealing with someone with BPD (traits). Reading the stories of other members and how they deal with things, can be very insightful and I definitely encourage you to keep doing so |iiii Have you shared with your partner that you believe his mother might have BPD? Title: Re: Hello Post by: lisazoe on August 09, 2015, 07:15:02 PM Yes I read about the splitting behaviour and thought that is exactly what has happened.
It would seem my partner has had guilt used against him and fear so I will definitely read that article thanks :) I have told my partner that I think she has undiagnosed mental illness and that possibly it sounds like BPD but because the family have just accepted it all their lives they have grown up thinking "its just mum". However he is now starting to see her behaviour for what it is and with an adults eyes. He knows it is not normal behaviour at all. Especially after the latest saga of her ringing my ex husband again and telling him we were moving so therefore taking my daughter away from him. Luckily my ex and I have such a good relationship that he didn't believe it and now has blocked her number from his phone! The woman is truly out to get me and I haven't done anything! Title: Re: Hello Post by: Kwamina on August 10, 2015, 11:34:12 AM Hi lisazoe
I have told my partner that I think she has undiagnosed mental illness and that possibly it sounds like BPD but because the family have just accepted it all their lives they have grown up thinking "its just mum". However he is now starting to see her behaviour for what it is and with an adults eyes. He knows it is not normal behaviour at all. This is often if not always how it goes when you grow up in such an environment. As a child you might not like how things are, but it's still all you know and are used to. Only as an outsider looking in is it really possible to see just how dysfunctional things are. I am glad he is now able to look at his mother from a different perspective now and can more clearly see what's really going on. Especially after the latest saga of her ringing my ex husband again and telling him we were moving so therefore taking my daughter away from him. Luckily my ex and I have such a good relationship that he didn't believe it and now has blocked her number from his phone! The woman is truly out to get me and I haven't done anything! This is very unpleasant behavior indeed. Fortunately your ex is able to see what's really going on here. Take care |