BPDFamily.com

My ex best friend contacted me yesterday to show remorse and apologize for getting involved with my unexBPDgf. He gave me limited information regarding the smear campaign that she started that ruined not only my relationship with him but her as well. He claims to have not had a romantic relationship with her but I suspect he was protecting me from further disappointment. He knows that I was in love with her and is aware that she was constantly pressuring me to get buy her a ring. The information he told me about the smear campaign was very hurtful. He also told me that she hacked into my email account and posed as me sending him a threatening email from my email address. She later came clean to him that she sent it.

He stopped having contact wit her when  he caught her in many lies. He believes she is mentally unstable but does not know anything about BPD. That all happened over a year and a half ago. Fast forward to the present. She calls him out of the blue and asks for a Kindle back a couple weeks ago. She proceeds to tell him that she is married. They exchange a couple phone messages and emails over the last couple weeks about getting the Kindle back and the next thing he sees is a threatening email from her husband telling him to leave his wife alone or else there will be big trouble.She then calls him up and tells him not to worry, but e is just possessive.  My question is for those who married their ex's.  Does this seem like she is trying to create drama in her life by trying to get her  husband jealous in an already boring marriage? It seems like this really has nothing to do about getting a kindle back and more about looking for an excuse to contact an ex. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Who knows what's really going on, but yes I've had an ex try to re-establish contact by any means necessary. Mentioning missing pets, things, friendship, extended family... .you name it

Darlin Swimjim,

   I am SOO glad you are out of this.

Do you see how bad these smear campaigns are? They can absolutely ruin you.

This last break I got everything back of importance. She was mad I wanted all my things back right away... .so glad I did... .my ipad, the ring I gave her... .everything.

It's scary how of bad character they are. Look at all her lies. That is not us. We are not like that.

Part of me still thinks that I could have been the one who married her. My gut instinct told me to hold off and take things slow. I still feel like I could have prevented getting split black had I married her in her time frame. I am guilt ridden by this and stuck from moving forward. It has been over two years since I have been painted black, and I am long gone from her radar but I still find myself blaming myself for being devalued and eventually split black. I want to get to the point that I should be lucky to not be in her life anymore.

Jim,

   You need to stop taking the blame for her psychosis.  She is a liar, a fraud... .

there are so many wonderful people out there that won't treat you like this.  Be grateful for being split black. If she is that big a liar imagine what she COULD have done... .restraining orders... .getting you fired from work.

Marrying her would not have solved anything. You would have been legally tied to her. WOW. Imagine the financial ruin on top of this heartache you are feeling.

Dating a BPD is like doing drugs... .you are weening off it. Try to keep no contact. We are here for you.

PW

I repeat... .marrying her would not have changed her from a liar to a person who is honest.

You dodged a serious bullet and your heart IS still intact. Change the locks on your heart and hold that key for someone special who deserves it.

dude. you ARE lucky! Sure marriage could have possibly postponed being painted black, but I think you know that it would have been inevitable. I mean you have the evidence -- she's married and is reaching out to your friend? Would you be happy if your wife/partner was creating that sort of chaos?

I sure wouldn't

edit: PW i like that! Changing the locks for someone who deserves it!

Hey swimjim, Great that you listened to your gut feelings, which were on the money.  Take it from me, as one who married a pwBPD, you couldn't have prevented getting painted black by marrying her.  Guilt is one of the prongs on the BPD pitchfork used to manipulate a Non.  You need not allow yourself to be manipulated anymore.  Time to drop the guilt rock from your personal backpack and travel light, which will make forward progress a lot easier.

LuckyJim

... .I still find myself blaming myself for being devalued and eventually split black.

Swim,

Does her splitting you black and devaluing you sound like normal behavior from a normal person? Has this ever been done to you by someone else, someone that was mentally healthy?

I don't understand why you have chosen to blame yourself for her blatantly abnormal behavior. It had nothing to do with you personally. Remove you from the equation, insert another man, shake, you'd get the same result. Why? Because she is mentally ill. So, how do you personally have a bearing on the end result?

Thank you. It is interesting that you mentioned a restraining order. She filed a false one against me when she was idealizing my ex best friend. It was thrown out in court because I proved she was lying. She said my emails in court to prove her lies were tampered with. This is the reason why she hacked into my email account to send my friend a threatening email from my email address; to prove that emails can be manipulated. Crazy stuff! 

She wanted to get married so bad. Marriage was the only thing missing from her life. Years before, having a baby was the only thing missing from her life. She achieved that without getting married. When she wanted to marry me, I felt like a mere stand in (object) rather than a loving partner.

Will marriage trigger engulfment fears? How is it that BPD's stay married for years without splitting their spouse black? Even if the spouse is a doormat, wouldn't the BPD get bored?

If you read through some posts on the staying section, and the kind of hoops a non jumps through to keep a BPD spouse "happy", you will see that whether a BPD split you black or not - it is pretty much insanity what you would have to put up with. I mean, look, she is married to somebody else, yet contacting her ex for whatever reason. Who wants to be in her husband's shoes?

Lucky Jim is right... .listen to the guy who married a BPD... .

Marriage won't stop them from painting you black. Although I was in a lesbian relationship my ex was married to a man once. They were married for 1... .yes 1 year. In that year he tried to kill himself and then ran off to Hawaii for three months to get away from her.

She says he eventually cheated on her with his boss and got the boss pregnant. Then they divorced.

Now how much of this is true... .don't know. She is a pathological liar as most of them are. Still... .one year. Not a long time and all she has ever refered to him as has been "the loser". I also know she still to this day stalks him on FB to see what he is doing... .20 years later.

Why stalk a loser? She keeps tabs on all her "kills", her trophies.

Why wouldn't my ex tell her husband that she needs to contact an old friend to get her kindle back? Instead, her husband sends my replacement a threatening email. Then she calls my replacement and tells him not to worry about the threat and that her husband is just possessive. Sounds strange to me. Does anyone else see that this may not really have anything to do with getting the kindle back but to start some drama?

IMO games. I've witnessed this first hand. Drama, games... .manufactured competition.  Husband probably has no idea she's doing this.


All it is.

My exes ex was left for another ex... .the love of my exes life.  She shows up on her porch 6mo later. Says she was in "a dark place" and apologized. Mind you hadn't seen her in 6mo and this was long distance. The woman asks about the ex she left her for. She answers, "oh so and so? I haven't seen her in years".

Lies, splitting... .wow craziness. Who needs this? You can't fix it. Find someone not broken.

Thank you Pretty Woman. You are a great help.

Anytime. I remember early in my relationship with my ex she started talking with an ex in Minnesota. One day she sent me an email from the ex and said "see no marital issues just stress is why she is visiting"

She left me for this ex a month after the visit. I am 99.5 percent sure she created a fake email. When I re read it there are a ton of ... .Back and forth in the emails and similar writing styles. I think she kept me off balance intentionally. This. Is. What. They. Do.

It's pretty insane.

Agree w/that, PW.  Just drama and games.  My BPDxW cried wolf on a regular basis.

@ swimjim, Are you ready to drop the guilt and move on?  No need for you to carry it around any longer.  You may find this hard to accept, but I doubt that anything you could have done would have changed the outcome.  You dodged a bullet, which is something to be grateful for.

LuckyJim

I was engaged, an engagement she had begged for over two years. She was gone, moved across country straight into a relationship with an ex from high school within 6 weeks of that. One of my friends started laughing when I was on the phone and said "I apologize, but do you realize how big a bullet you just dodged? You had a howitzer, it was locked on to you, it fired, and IT MISSED! How the hell do you not see that you just got missed by something aimed dead at you!"

He was so right, the pain has mostly passed, almost 8 months on now, 7 of NC. I do know where she is but nothing else really, and that's just fine. I am painted blacker than black, the last thing she said to me was that she hated me most in the world. I figured out her game after she was gone, called her out on it. And she lost every single friend she had made here, including her best, we were once a very popular "the perfect" couple, now everyone here thinks she's a lunatic, she gave up all her life, respect (she is high functioning, a writer and now former university professor), the dogs, etc. just to be with a man her family refers to as "the troll."

I don't know how you feel about the replacement. You know he had a relationship with her, may as well keep going in life without him. If you really feel like commiserating, by all means, if you feel like you want to help, by all means. It sounds to me like there is no trust between you. The funny thing is that my ex was the ex of a friend, when I started dating her 4 months after they broke up, I was man enough to tell him directly, said I didn't want him hearing it on the gossip circle. Thank god I did that, saved the friendship, but he could have warned me what I was getting into... .

I hear you heldfast. It is very painful to find out she got married. The new husband already sent a threatening email to my replacement saying to leave his wife alone. The wife initiated the contact with my replacement. It sounds like the honeymoon might be over. Does anyone agree?

Hey jim-

You said:


And then you said:


So could you really have prevented the split black thingy, honestly?  Or would it just have been something else next?

Also:


Did he really, or was that her hacking his email, like she did with your friend?  If she reaches out to an ex, and then the current guy gets pissed off, that means she matters, even if it was all her doing.  Triangulation by keyboard.

Dunno, you know her, but that does make sense doesn't it?  If a man is pissed off that another man is giving a woman attention, that means the woman has value to the pissed off one, so she can maybe value herself.  Backhanded way of giving yourself value, but we do what we can.


Fulfillment is an inside job; external things are Band-Aids, although in the case of a child she could find an empowering identity as a mother, my ex did, and maybe as a wife as well, but borderline traits tend to screw up relationships, so maybe that one not so much.

My ex had two long-term relationships. One was a decade, the other almost 18 years. Yes, he experienced engulfment and was heavily triggered living with his partners. When he split them black he refused to speak with his partners. His ex wife reported that he didn't speak to her for 3 months, while sharing the same home. There was high drama is those unions. One or the other would move out for weeks at a time. He stayed because he was afraid of being alone.

Is it bothering you that she has reached out to your replacement? Or her being married? Or both? I can understand how this would add to an already hurtful experience.

Yes. I have to admit. It still bothers me. Maybe I wish deep down that she would have reached out to me. My ex best friend ( my  replacement) swears he did not have a romantic relationship with her. The only validation I got from him that helped me feel better is him telling me that he concluded that she is mentally unstable. He says she lies often and he cant tell when she is telling the truth. Maybe a blessing in disguise that I am off her radar. I may not be strong enough to reject her yet if she reached out to me. I want to get enough confirmation of her disorder to feel darn lucky she is gone for good.

My ex friend reaching out to me was noble for him to do. My recovery was moving forward but rather slowly. When he gave me information that she got married to his replacement, the old wounds resurfaced. Why do I feel that the husband will make her life better? She was in financial trouble and filed bankruptcy when she dumped me. I think my ex buddy was an "in between" transition partner between my romantic relationship and her new husband. My ex friend was a stand in for 5 months. I was with her for 3 years romantically and was her friend before that for 25 years. Hence, it makes sense I am struggling much harder than my ex buddy. Can anyone understand why I am still struggling?

Hi swimjim,

I'm sorry to hear that. 25 years is a long history, I read your post and what struck me was how old wounds resurfaced when you got the news with your ex getting married. I can relate when I got the news that my ex was expecting a baby with my replacement, I got an email and at the end of the message she said "I don't want you to get this from the kids, we're expecting a baby" and I felt like it had hit me were my wounds are, it really hurt. I felt like I had healed a lot by that time and I was near the end and it felt like two steps back with the news, is that how you feel?

Hi Mutt. Yes. I feel that I could have been her savior when she was in financial trouble. I did not know it was that bad. She just kept pressuring me to marry her right away and sell my house and buy one with her. My gut instinct said to slow down. It seemed odd that she was desperate. I could have come through for her if I knew she was about to file bankruptcy. It is only money and I would have avoided having my heart torn out. Now she has a sugar daddy to solve all her money problems. He is much older. I was in love with her and sadly still am. I wish I did not care.

I understand. I had similar savior feelings because my ex can't see the bigger picture with her choices and actions. I felt sympathetic. I had to make the call to my T when I found out my ex was pregnant. I still cared. He said that he had feelings for his first wife after he had divorced, it took him time, there are periods where we get triggered and we need to have time behind us. I say this from my experience and that I needed the pregnancy to really see my ex partners dysfunction. It helped with letting go of that final string with attachment that I had left.

Hey Mutt. This is very painful. I think I would have been better off not finding out she was married. Do you think I would have still been split black if I would have married her? Do you think the husband will get devalued and split black after the honeymoon period is over? Was that your experience?

Sorry you're going through such a hard time Jim... .

I guarantee you, until she gets the help she needs her behavior is not going to change. She did it with you and the replacement. Were you her first relationship? If not, what did she say about the previous ones?

Truth or not, re-writing a major life event like that in of itself is a HUGE red flag. You recognized it  at the time and you acted on it. I am certain that you would remember something like that clearly and it certainly sounds like gaslighting in an attempt to change her image to you... .and it sounds like she succeeded!

What I am hearing is that she has not changed at all since you met her in 1994. Why would it change now especially if she is not in therapy nor admits to having a problem in the first place?

Lastly, don't be so hard on yourself for having loved and trusted someone. We went in thinking that our partners would be a good match and were on the same level as us emotionally. Well I hope we did at least!

Have you made plans for yourself this weekend?

I understand how painful this is swimjim. A pwBPD are incapable of having emotional intimacy, it's emotional arrested development and they have not matured enough to have emotional intimacy, they will drive the people that they love the most away.

From my experience, after her boyfriend moved in I noticed I was slowly being split white and he's slowly being split black, it doesn't happen all at once.

Two things... .

Your post shows that you have worked it out and you can see through the nonsense.

----- BUT -----

That being the case, why do you blame yourself? I married her and the outcome was a crazy roller coaster, a financial disaster for me and it continues even after divorce with wild allegations made to the police about me. Getting arrested without notice is pretty disruptive, even if you're released without charge.

Marrying her would not have changed anything. You seriously dodged a bullet and nothing you could have done would have changed that.

It wasn't you. Free yourself of the guilt and allow yourself to live the life that you are entitled to.