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I just keep wondering if that was a genuine apology, or if some tactic to make me start thinking about her again (which is unfortunately working).

Once again I see an unopened message sent to her. And once again feeling what its like to be blocked.

I should be happy, I mean I did get an apology. But I know she's not gone. As soon as I start to feel better she will pop back up.

Its like she is a puzzle that I am constantly trying to solve. I'm not really hurting too much today, but now I am confused by her motives.

You know... .I have been interacting with my ex here and there for the last 3-4 months after a lengthy period of NC and more and more I am looking at it with a much cooler head, more and more I am realizing that, frankly, I just need to pull the plug on this because I don't know how you can possibly keep up a relationship or a friendship where everything revolves around one person. After a while it just became laughable - I can clearly see that she loses any interest in talking to me as soon as I bring up something about myself. Why do they do this? Ego, boredom, who knows. But it is clearly not because she really wants to know how you are doing.

You know... .I have been interacting with my ex here and there for the last 3-4 months after a lengthy period of NC and more and more I am looking at it with a much cooler head, more and more I am realizing that, frankly, I just need to pull the plug on this because I don't know how you can possibly keep up a relationship or a friendship where everything revolves around one person. After a while it just became laughable - I can clearly see that she loses any interest in talking to me as soon as I bring up something about myself. Why do they do this? Ego, boredom, who knows. But it is clearly not because she really wants to know how you are doing.[/quote]
Invictus

I truly believe that we are only of interest to them during the idealization phase when they are mirroring us - after that it really is the law of diminishing returns!    I can't really say I have a friendship with my ex for the reasons you outline above. It's more of a passing interest to see how her story pans out.

Hey I'm glad you're not hurting today Schermarhorn. If I remember correctly, wasn't she painting herself to be the victim in the apology? Granted that's probably the only way she is capable, but then she goes on to block you?

It's said here time and time again on this board so always judge the action rather than the words.

@Invictus01, I think I am getting to where you are. With my previous relationships it usually ended amicably and the mature thing to do was to be on friendly or at least neutral terms. I'm also seeing that it's not possible when it is completely one sided. I can see how BPD would make them so, but regardless I know that's not what I would want in a r/s or friendship

I am feeling the same way... .as time goes on I am less and less interested in him. I think he is starting to see it as well. Last night he offered to loan me a camera that I had wanted to borrow. I went over to his place for the first time... .He showed me around. It reminded me of a college roommate situation with all the empty beer and liquor bottles sitting around. He kissed me right off the bat. We sat and talked a bit, he was watching some stupid childish movie. He asked if I wanted to stay for dinner, but I said no, I needed to go home and walk my dog. He kept poking me and grabbing at me inappropriately. All of a sudden when he could tell I wasn't all hot and bothered for him, he said _ I guess you need to go home and walk the dog. So with that I left. I remembered back when he would tell me to leave my own house when we were together. I certainly do not want to get in that situation. Also, he is so sick, I thought maybe he was setting me up to have dinner with him, so the GF could walk in on us and he would be rid of her! You just never know! My friend says she doesn't think he is done with her yet though. I went home and he continued to try to get me to come over or for me to invite him to my place. I didn't. I am enjoying my peace too much. I ended up having a nice talk with his Mother last night... .she hadn't talked to him since Mothers day and even that was brief. She is glad I am getting over him. We all pray for him, but don't think he really wants to change. This morning he started frantically texting me that he needed my help to work on his credit issues. I gave him advice before. He just wants to do it his way which I am not interested in helping him with. It's a temporary fix. He needs to handle it differently.  I am really just reminding him that he chose to go off with someone else and that is his choice, but I am no longer feeling any attachment and it feels really good actually. I know he will regret this eventually. His Mother is so disgusted in his poor decisions. She really likes me allot and wants me to be free of him. She says he is just using this new girl as well... .he is just as user and a liar. I told her I see she is correct that everything he says practically is a lie now. I see it clearer now that I am out. I don't know what is in store for my future... .I feel like he may try to get back with me when he figures out I am no longer interested. He is just way too immature for me in so many ways. I feel stronger and stronger... .not sure why, but this group really helps, along with daily reading I do which make you realize you can only change yourself you cannot change or help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Just taking care of ourselves is what seems to be of the utmost importance now. I told him he is so selfish and only thinks of himself. he seems to be trying to ask about me now, but it seems fake. The gf is still love-bombing him and I told him the only reason he is into her is because she is feeding his ego. They don't seem to be seeing as much of each other now and she does seem to be starting to tell him what to do and how to feel, which is ironic since she was the one that made the big statement that he shouldn't let any one control his thought (meaning me)... lol  I am paying less and less attention ... .I know in time I will be so much better off. I feel pretty good today... .I hope we can all come to this place. The beginning is just so devastating, but putting up with all of the destructive abusive behavior is not what anyone deserves.

Yeah. I assume she blocked me because I sent the message yesterday and it was never marked as opened. For some reason she sent it to me on Kik instead of SMS.

I'm still hurting for sure, but at least I feel a little better.

I still don't have her number, but hopefully she actually texts me with her number so I can just do a full block out. Otherwise maybe I could get her to tell me it, lol. I don't want to do it, because I still care about her... .but it is getting more and more obvious that she does have issues that is going to make any relationship with her impossible.

I think regardless of how strong I am, if I see her messaging me I am going to be set back. I know her words doesn't mean anything, but I guess I still have a hard time processing that.

I don't want to get to the point where I turn into a cynic and expect everybody to have secondary motives behind everything.

INvictus----

  Can you clarify----how long was the period of NC before you've been interacting the past 3-4 months?

   Was it an actual breakup that led to the NC?

   WHat caused the breakup?

Shatra

Hi Schermarhorn,

I'm with Invictus01 here.  Everything is always about them.  Just today, I told my exBPD that I'm still struggling with some things and would like her to answer some questions.  Her reply?  "No." I even mentioned that tomorrow is my birthday.  But it's my birthday, not hers, so it doesn't matter.  

I also got an apology from her.  It was a weak one and only covered one thing, but it was one.  She told me that I was a major factor in her deciding to get treatment.  All of that was followed by, "That being said, I want you to contact neither me nor my boyfriend.  I think we can agree that's what's best for everyone, especially me."

So, if you put that into  BPD speak decoder, she said, "Everything is still your fault.  :)on't contact me because I don't want to face what I've done.  :)on't contact my boyfriend because I don't want you to tell him what I've done.  I don't want to get in trouble, so I'm cutting you out of my life."

For a week, I tried to make plans with mine after she got out of the hospital.  Nothing.  No response or just changed the subject.  Until something came up that she wanted to go to.  :)idn't matter that I told her the day before that I had plans already.  She ignored that text.  It was about me.  It didn't matter.

Like others have said, pay attention to her actions, not her words.  Mine sent an apology.  Great.  But she sent it six weeks after she discarded me and right after she decided to move.  She also sent back things I had been asking her to return for months.  So basically, she was packing and sorting things and came across my things and said, "Oh, that's right.  I guess I should send these.  Oh, and I can tell her that my boyfriend and I are moving across the country soon."

@SummerStorm I think as pwBPD are feeling shame all the time, it's possible that she did feel genuine shame and guilt... .and grateful for what you've done for her. Maybe finding your things reminded her of that, especially considering that they struggle with object constancy. Seeing your things could have been a kind reminder! The emotions they feel can be quite genuine and felt intensely. It's just that they are swept completely away by the next set of emotions. Nothing lasts. It's sad

But yes bottom line is that it is all about them and what they're feeling at the moment

With the exception of one text exchange - one sent by me and one sent by her, we were in NC for almost 6 months after she without any reason or an explanation or even a "sorry" declared me to be her "good friend" and disappeared. That was the "break up".

I suppose so.  But her boyfriend also kept bugging her for weeks to send them back.  I don't know.  I question everything she has done and does.

That certainly doesn't help, but what I do see is the pattern for the need for control by the pwBPD. Notice she reaches out when she's feeling like it, sends back things at her whim, etc

Am I being irrational that I am getting really upset over her blocking me again?

I don't know why I even care. I guess it's just the fact that she always comes in and says provoking things, and then blocks me which drives me insane. I never get my word in.

I'd love to just speak my mind to her once, she has made my summer hell.

Do yourself a favor and the next time she shows up... .ignore her. For months and months... .it does get better but as long as you let her poke at your wounds, they won't heal. No difference between a wounded heart and a flesh wound that somebody pokes every other week and you wonder why it has been 6 months and it still isn't healed.

This is the first time I actually tried to talk to her after almost 2 months.

The only reason I did message her, was because I was genuinely curious as to when I supposedly "threatened" her.

I honestly expected her to have me blocked again for some reason. So I am not surprised by it, I just want to know her motive behind doing this.

Did I take to long to reply?

Is she trying to get her on my good side so I could be used as a backup later on?

Was she feeling shame and needed to apologize, knowing that we shouldn't talk to each other after that?


Usually I could figure what her motives are, this time I have no idea at all.