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My uBPD son with narcistic traits has been recently accused of molesting a child 12 yrs ago.  I have a relationship with the accuser ( daughter of one of his ex's and half sister to his daughter.  I am devastated beyond comprehension because I know most child molestations are founded.  My direct problem is my son thinks I don't care because I won't pay for a lawyer.  I am torn and in the mist of obligation and guilt.  We financially are not rich but we probably could help him, however I feel for the victim and don't want her to feel her claims are not justified or believed.  My son has accused me of living well but not helping him.  This is tearing me apart.  Please give me some words of wisdom and grab me from spiraling down the obligation and guilt hole.

Hello understandnow,

What a horrible position you are in!

What is your fear?

What is your obligation?

What would cause you to feel guilty?

Being the daughter of a lawyer... .I believe that all persons under potential legal stressors should consult with an attorney.  That doesn't mean you must pay for it. 

Would you feel obligated to pay for an attorney if you didn't have the money or any way to get the money?

If it were myself in your shoes I would pay for a consultation with an attorney if I had the means and my child did not.  Not because I feel obligated, not because she could "make me feel guilty".  I would want to.

Logically thinking... .the said victim would not have the knowledge of who is paying for your son's legal representation so that would not be a deciding factor in my choice.

I'm sorry that you are even having to make these choices. 

She has called me Mommom for the past 13 yrs.  I am afraid to give my son money because he does not want me to be involved with his ex's family and I know he will tell them I did to hurt them.  I know it sounds crazy but I don't have to explain this bazaar behavior to this board.  I think you understand.  I just feel I can't stay neutral because I am a maternal child nurse and I know children who say they were molested should be believed. I have loved my son through many bad choices he made.  He now feels I have deserted him and it is tearing me apart. 

This is so hard to deal with for you. 

Being close to the victim and having your son accused of this is mindbending and heartwrenching. 

What is your hurting heart telling you to do?

Dear understandnow,

I am so very sorry you are in this position. I am not sure where you are or your son is, but he should be able to get a public defender for reduced fee or free. If he has already been arrested, this option should have been presented to him already. If he hasn't been, it would be when and if he is arrested.

I work in the legal system and I am not holdig myself out as any expert here, just noting that to say that I have worked with victims as well and I would also find this very difficult, as you are.

Here are my thoughts: Your son is an adult, correct? Although he has been accused of a terrible thing, that does not mean he is not responsible for handling this issue himself. You are under no obligation to prove you care by paying for a lawyer and setting yourself back financially. It's just not your responsibility, no matter what your son says.

I do believe I understand why you feel torn, but I believe your son has other options,and guilt tripping you should not be one of them. He should be able to handle this himself. It usually just involves filling out some paperwork and being assigned an attorney.

Some people are wary of public defenders, but in my experience a lot of them are quite good. They do what they do because they like it and want to help people accused of crimes.

Thankyou Elizabeth 22.  Those were my thoughts also.  I was considering giving both sides money for consultations but after researching options most lawyers give free consultations.  He also has a uBPD wife who is creating so much drama but I was proud of myself today because of this board and my readings I told her on the phone when she disregulated to me because of drama from the kids being taken away, that our conversation was not accomplishing anything and I would talk to her later and hung up.

You are very welcome, understandnow  

Upon re-reading, I see that I missed that the child is not only a child of an ex, but a half sister to your grandchild? If I read that correclty, yes, the emotional stakes are very high for you and I more fully understand your stress and the appearance of dividing loyalties.

This is a terrible position for you to be in, and you should not be in it if you don't want to. To me, its just that simple... .and sometimes easier said than done... .I know.

As I have been on this journey to try to understand all that is happening in my life, I look in many places for ideas or advice, and this one thing from Dr. Phil (of all people) stuck with me. Paraphrasing, he says something to the effect that if we step in and help our adult children (enable, which I believe you would be doing since your son has choices he can pursue on his own), we are sending them the message that we believe they are not capable of handling their own lives, or something to that effect.

So, now I look at my non-enabling as not only helping me be free of the chaos and abuse, but helping my son by allowing him to find his own way, his own solutions and let him make his own mistakes - from which he can (and hopefully will) learn. My son has chosen his uBPD wife, who abused his son (who is not her child) and was arrested for it, over his son and the rest of us. He will be dealing with the consequences on his own. So, I can also sympathize to the extent that there is child abuse and involvement from law enforcement, CPS, etc. It is painfull, but it is  what it is. I can only handle my life and my reactions from here on out. I understand the feeling of being torn between a grandchild and your own child. I picked my grandson, but did try to help my son until he no longer wanted me in his life (if it gives you any consolation to know my choice). I am so sorry you are going through this, but you sound strong.  

You do not have to be the safety net, you do not have to "prove" your love for your son by stepping in. Our adult children should be building their own safety nets, and we should not get in their way. Or, that's how I look at it.

You do not have to succumb to emotional blackmail.

You should be VERY proud of yourself that you handled a situation today in a way that felt true and comfortable to you. I am proud of you as well.

Ahh!  Thankyou Elizabeth 22 I needed that more than you know!  That is exactly what I needed to hear.  Yes I am strong.  I knew I did the right thing hanging up on my Dil.  It felt good to be in total control of myself. Calm and patient.  My hands were shaking and my heart was beating fast, but my actions and words were calm.  Before this board and my readings I would want to answer and defend myself now I have boundaries for myself.  thank everyone on this board.  Thank you Elizabeth 22.

You are so very welcome, understandnow   Thank you for your sweet words as well. You have also helped me as it is gratifying to know, that even when we are down, we can help and understand others. My pleasure. You've got this, you can do it. You're already doing it!