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I have been away from the collective(the BPD boards/BPD family)  for a long while.  I completed a course called Family Connections and learned to set boundaries.  That worked for a while, I got our mess of a house in a more-repaired state (that took 2 yrs), and make my kids the priority as best as I can. 

I had 2 surgeries and am facing 2 more this year.  I have met the family deductible which softens the blow a bit.

I am just about washed up at my job.  I have not been able to focus and pass a specific examination for the 4 th yr in a row. they are giving me one more chance, in 90 days, and the scores take another 90 days to be posted.  I have spoken to folks at my national level, about why I can't pass, but i can't bring myself to tell them my backstory.  I can't focus on much anymore having lived this hell. 

I am going to see a psychiatrist tomorrow for medications and am joining an impaired professionals group on Monday night.  i know  that my story is gonna spread amongst my co-workers.  I kept it all hid for three years here, but can't hold it in anymore. I don't drink or do drugs.  I just want out.  My heart is so scarred.

And selfishly I am going to have to leave the kids behind.  School starts Monday, so it won't happen just now, but it will soon. 

She is now morphed from paralyzed screamer to Suzy Homemaker.  Yet mentions nothing about the 10 years of hell i was subjected to.  I can't handle the PTSD anymore.  I have tried.

Tomorrow I am also calling to interview a  lawyer.  I don't think I deserve the pain.  I have kept a diary of sorts (excel spreadsheets) documenting the craziness just in the last three years.  And a couple of movies on my phone (I have since stored the card away safely).

I gotta get opinions on not losing my parental rights since she is so high functioning.

I am so angry.She financially ruined us already when we moved money to buy this house but did not figure the tax penalties the same year she cost me 75K with her treatments.

I guess I need to  saddle myself with more debt to get out.  Maybe I can pay her to leave.  Anyone have any success with that?

And with all of this I would like to have a real good crying jag, but I am afraid to summon up the amount of sadness that it would require.  I am not even sure that would make a difference in my thinking at this point.

G7

My heart goes out to you.  PTSD is the right word.  Evidently she senses the End is coming and so now is morphing into "Who, innocent me?" mode.  Good that you've got some proof of what the past was like or else it could more easily devolve into he-said she-said and largely ignored.

Good too that you're getting legal advice.  Remember, you have a right to privacy and confidentiality in this.  Your spouse does not have a right to interrogate, manipulate, guilt or pressure you.  Keep your options and strategies confidential to your supporters.

Take your life one day, one piece, at a time.  Don't look at it all, what seems like a mountain, just look a few steps ahead at a time.

hi gary seven. i'm really sorry for your situation and while it certainly isn't a happy one, there are a few items that may be to your benefit at this point.


 

that might be a good thing: if they know what's up, would they be understanding about your job performance? my supervisors and co-workers were very good to me in my crisis, i hope yours are to you. also, it's good that you're taking steps for yourself, seeing the psychiatrist and joining the support group.


excellent. please report back about the conversation with the lawyer!

PTSD can be very debilitating. I'm so sorry that you're struggling with this as a result of your marriage. It does affect thinking, and can create a constant sense of dread and despair. 


Are you thinking this because you do not feel you would get any visitation with them?

LnL:

I feel that they will be spending the majority of the time with their Mom , 'cause I have a job with long hours.  I see her functioning now for them as a nanny, and at times not a very good one.  She is coordinating all their schedules.  I have to let them know I am the normal parent.  In order to survive I have to get out.  They are too young to come with me.  It really is distressing.  On top of all the other issues I am dealing with.