BPDFamily.com

I have been feeling very low. The next few days are the anniversaries of some difficult events in my life. I keep having extreme dreams around those events. Wake up shaking and feeling deeply sad, depressed.

I have not had any conversation with my boyfriend for about 12 days. Not since the last upset. That mess was less with him going back to silent treatment... .or I think more likely he is worried that I will have some negative things to say if he talks to me, and he doesn't want to deal with it.

I haven't said a word since his ex affair girl pounced all over me and was making fun of me. Apparantly while he and I were arguing, he was venting directly to her. So she was throwing things he said in my face, etc.

It isn't the first time and it happened a lot during his affair. That took my head and feelings back into the space. I shut her down, and told him how I feel about that sort of thing.

Then I have gone quiet. This is the first time in years that I have just gone silent. Things often take a while for me to process and mostly what I am thinking after affair girl was gloating around. I am thinking that all along this must have been going on and I feel pretty jerked around at the implications and probabilities.

I know he has been expecting more incoming from me, but I just don't have anything to say. Feel pretty disheartened.

Funnily a few days after that event, he jettisoned her from his social pages. A mutual friend says she is pestering him to friend her again. First time in 2 years that woman has been off his pages. Maybe it doesn't seem like much and probably I am terrible, but it did cheer me up a bit.

I don't really know what else to do right now, except continue seeing therapist. I guess since part of the things I have been so panicky about... my fear that he was concealing a closeness to that girl turned out to be true, some of my emotions have calmed down.

I despise the deception and I guess triangulation. Just feel sad and depressed. I don't know when I will talk to him again. Typically he can go quiet for long periods of times if he is worried I am going to be upset.

I am thinking about what I want to do about this relationship. I think it's too soon into my therapy to tell if I can stop triggering off of his cheating and totally losing it at him over it. Right now I don't see him presenting himself for me to practice on, and it seems the relationship as an active one is having to be put on pause.

I am afraid the damage is so great, I won't be able to get beyond it. Makes me pretty sad.