BPDFamily.com

Hi... .I went to therapy for me for the first time today.  We, of course, spent the entire time going through my relationship with my BPD wife... .When talking about her recent downward spiral he mentioned that I should submit a form the office has (my therapists and her people are in the same office) for a relative or friend to report on the patient.  The patient will be told everything that is on the form so I do not know if it is worth the huge fight that would definitely erupt when she finds out.

The stuff I want to report is delusional behavior, saying that I have a okcupid account when I dont, the account she thought was mine had a picture that was CLEARLY not me... .CLEARLY!  The only thing we had in common were being white guys with goatees in our 30's.  The other things that I want to report is Xanax and ambien abuse.  She is using a month of those pills in about two weeks.  She has also been talking a lot about self harm, cutting and even thoughts of suicide.  She has been a cutter in the past so I knwo that is a possibility but I honestly dont think she would be suicidal

I know the okcupid thing is part of projection because she has been on that site and seeing other men from it.  But to see the picture and what I look like and say we are the same is delusional.   

If I want to save the relationship is it best to avoid the huge fight, which I think would kill the marriage, or is it just best to let the professionals take over and deal with these very bad signs of mental illness?

Thank you guys

Tough situation.  I've been in your shoes, when I felt in necessary to report to my wife's Drs. what was going on in the house.  And yes, it did at one point lead to a huge fight when her T mentioned that I had called.  I don't regret my decision to be open.  In one case, I was open to a social worker who was debating whether to have my wife involuntarily committed after a suicide attempt.  My reason for contacting her T and P was because I was considering ending the r/s, and felt that it was in their best interest and my wife's best interest for her Drs. to know what was going on.

My advice is to weigh the pros and cons.  Also - I advise asking yourself if such an action would spell the end of the r/s, is that a bad thing?  Or is NOT saying something only prolonging the inevitable?

Hi newcmags,

this seems to be quite a formal process. It is often tempting to get involved in the therapy but then it can also be a form of triangulation. Some thoughts:

How long has your wife be in therapy? You don't want to shame her and then have her to drop out.

Is she diagnosed with BPD? If yes, will your info really help or just confirm what is known/suspected?

Is she receiving DBT? If yes, will your info really help or distract?

How would you do it - would your wife receive a heads-up from you?

 

There are two different ways of dealing with it... .they seem to be on opposite poles of a spectrum of how to handle a pwBPD in therapy and the "need" to tell their T things.

So... .most people seem to go with it's their T... .stay out of it.  Encourage them to go... .and let that be it.

I would ask yourself what good will come out of saying something?  What will a T "do" with this information.

The other side of the spectrum is more like a boundary.  If a pwBPD does weird/harmful stuff... .it will be told to the T.  If you are going to go down this road... .don't debate it... .apologize for it... .etc etc.

It's your version of what happened... you are entitled to it. 

They are still entitled to their version.

My recommendation for this situation is to do nothing.  Next time you meet with your T... .ask them to explain what good will come out of reporting this... .then make your decision.

FF

This is tricky for sure.  I very much like what has been said already, so I'll offer another angle to look at it.

Why tell the T anything?

1. It seems part of you wants T to know in order to help the process of her T.  Possibly also you want to defend T perception of you... .and other things.

-Not really your responsibility and likely will backfire... .for all involved.

2. So then what about your valid concern that by not telling T, you may feel responsible for her self harm or suicide attempt?  Valid concern!  

-How about you learn/we help you on dealing with this with some clear set boundaries?

         -You do not need to call her T for a threat of suicide, take responsibility by calling emergency pple to help her yourself.  This is likely more straightforward in being most helpful anyway.

       - For self harm... .You can let her know that what she is expressing is disturbing to you and that you will have to refer her for help... .it can be another professional... .not necessarily her T.

My thoughts here are not as "smoothly" thought out as I'd like.  I hope my point is clear and I welcome anyone who can see what my intention is and smooth out my message a bit.

I genuinely hope something is helpful!

This is a tough spot to be in!

 

Edit: I think my point is... .  Would it help you to use this thread for us to help you create a structured plan that you can put into action should self harm or the like occur again?  (The plan does not need to include T)