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I have realized how often my exBPDgf would (and still uses) phrases that tell me I'm being mean or cruel when I'm presenting her with reality during arguments.  It's like it was a shut down phrase attempt.  I would make a really good point and be direct with her (and it usually involved something to do with her and her behaviors) and she wouldn't have any answer other than I was being quite mean and cruel to her and should stop.  Playing the victim.  I was the bad guy for calling her out.

It recently happened again after I told her how awful her replacement has been treating her (she messages or calls me regularly when he yells at her and/or walks out - he is a dBPD) and well, eventually she tells me I'm just being mean when I say those things about him and their relationship.  As usual with her, you can't make her talk about anything, and if you press, you're a mean person and a bully.

Anyone else experience this?  I always hated my ex using it as a shutdown.

Yep... .all the time. When they wanna talk about how terrible they are they will project and say that you are what they feel about themselves... .Frustrating, eh?

I fell for this for so many years until I saw it through.

Typically, things would play out like this:

1. She would say something rude or mean to me.

Me: "You saying saying rude things to me again, it upsets me!"

She "So you're saying I do this all the time? That's some accusation! Always these mean accusations from you."

It's the projection of bad intent. Since it's all about how she fells, everything I do can be reduced to how it makes her feel. Everything I say can be categorized into things that makes her feel good and things that makes her feel bad. And that is exactly why they never, ever listen to WHAT we say. 

I didn't get that, but I did get, "I don't want to talk about this anymore," which is basically the same thing.  She was basically saying, "You're being mean and bullying me, and you're hurting my feelings, so we aren't going to talk about this." 

At the hospital, when I brought up a mistake that we collectively made, she said, "It's time for you to go now."  Again, "You're bullying me, so we aren't going to talk about this." 

She could spit fire at me in text messages (luckily, I never got it in person like others have), but the one time I got mad and sent her some angry texts (and then quickly apologized), she ignored me all day and then told me a few days later that my "freak out" really changed her feelings for me.  She acted like I was two steps away from physically assaulting her. 

Like you, 4Years5Months, I would make excellent points about her and her behavior, and she would either ignore me, tell me she didn't want to talk about it, or project and make me out to be the bad person. 

I spent so much time apologizing for everything, especially things that weren't my fault.  I told my one co-worker about my former friend BPD raging at me, and my co-worker, who didn't witness the raging but saw everything that led up to it, said, "How is that your fault?  She was the one who was sitting there like a spoiled brat and wasn't talking to anyone." 

This caught me off guard the first time it happened. For the first years of our relationship a doormat. I ALWAYS pretended like it was raining and never got upset.

The first times I raised my voice a little bit over something - most often because I was being completely ignored in questions where I should definately have a say - my exwife seemed shocked. She talked about that one time when I raised my voice for years. Not like she had been impressed but more like I had been out control and dangerous.

I had not raised my voice more than people do every day when they debate or disagree, it was totally harmless. It was just that my wife didn't expect if from me - which turned a raise of eyebrows into ultra-violence - in her world.

As I have written about in other threads - my wife told her therapist about my "mean" and "controlling" streaks. Her first therapist swallowed it and almost called for some kind of investigation. Her second therapist called her bluff.

My exwife always told me about how she felt that her father could have hit her (!) but he never did. She just felt it.

They imagine the violence - and they almost receive the blow.

I have been open to being friends with my ex.  She keeps telling me how much she still loves and cares about me and wishes we could hang out, but "it's not possible" because my replacement wouldn't be okay with it.  Last night she dropped her typical push-away line:  "I don't want to hide things from him" - meaning talking to me.

I brought up how many times she has messaged me and called me when he has a BPD rage fit at her and walked out (one time he even told her he was going to kill himself as he threw all of his belongings in her apartment's dumpster) and how upset he makes her.  I made the emotional mistake of calling him a dip(poop) and THAT is when she pounced with the "you're being mean" line.  Yes, I'm the bad guy for pointing out the faults of her relationship.

But, she doesn't want to hear that.  And thus I'm a big meanie.

4Years,

I have always said that you're a "big meanie"... .Lol! Is it her avoiding reality in order to play the victim, or is it her avoiding reality in order to avoid shame and/or guilt? Or perhaps she is avoiding reality to accomplish both avoidance scenarios?

That must be super frustrating 4years. You think that you're saying the right thing in order to help, and it gets turned around and used against you. It doesn't seem to make any sense. Someone who was emotionally healthy would take your advice, consider it, and then choose what to do from there.

She is mentally ill, though. From her perspective, you're telling her what to do. You're reinvesting yourself in the parent-child dynamic; taking a distant, yet still present role in the dance. This dynamic is one of her biggest triggers. If I was her, I would feel lots of invalidation coming my way, and the person 'to blame' would be you.

Have you accepted that she is disordered, and that she has a history of unstable relationships?

Hi 4Years5Months,

I can see how frustrating that that would when your trying to present her with reality. BPD is a persecution complex, if she's coming to you ( savior ) it sounds like things are not going well in their r/s and if you are saying bad things about her pwdBPD then you are in the role of persecutor and that's likely why she is calling you mean ( rescuer )

(https://bpdfamily.com/sites/all/themes/theme875/images/drama-triangle.png)

Something else she said that was very similar was starting a sentence with, "I'm offended that you think... ." This was in response to me pointing out a possible bad behavior.  If she started with that, you can bet that she was admitting to whatever the behavior was.

"I'm offended that you think I'm some whore who cheats and sleeps with everyone." A few weeks later, she cheated on her boyfriend.

I told her that I couldn't stop her from smoking pot, but that she needed to be careful, since drug dogs come into the school and kids have a nose for smelling it.  She replied, "I'm offended that you think I'm that stupid." A week later, she asked me to smell her to see if she "smelled ok" because she had "put on too much perfume." Yeah.  Suuuuure.

I certainly know she is disordered, but I'm just flabbergasted that she would remain with a raging pwBPD in a relationship, especially when I would be such a soother for her when we were together.  I want to be clear that I do NOT want to get back together with her.  But I'm amazed that she continues to put up with such "abuse" from my pwBPD replacement.  Why isn't she being triggered by HIS behavior?

I agree that I'm assuming the parent role when I try to tell her how I dislike how he's treating her, and then she tells me I'm being mean and cruel.  Apollotech, I think she's trying to avoid feeling that shame.  If she disagrees with me and doesn't admit he is treating her badly, then it's still all okay.  But again, I don't know why she hasn't dumped him on numerous occasions.

But I should know she doesn't want to be told what to do.  Even the last time she called me sobbing (after another fight with him) she refused to talk about it.  She just wanted to cry and have me there via phone shoulder to lean on.  The next day, she was right back with him.

For me, I have been hanging out with friends pretty frequently since our breakup.  We have mutual friends on Facebook, so my ex is somewhat aware of my activities.  That's fine - I kind of want her to know I'm living my life and not sobbing in my bed every night.  Well, yesterday, she told me that it's frustrating to her that "I'm suddenly a different person" and that I'm "trying to be someone (I'm) not."  Why?  Because I go out?  Oh no, that's right, I'm supposed to be languishing at home because she left me.  I told her SHE goes out with my replacement all the time, and it's fine that she does.  She's doing the same thing!  But she came back with "I've always KNOWN about the places we go, so it isn't the same."

After some more back and forth, she eventually said, "Part of my frustration is just anger about not being in each other's lives.  But it's just not possible."  BINGO!  There it is.  Jealousy that she isn't at those things with me, right?

Projection, projection, projection.  "You're being mean" is just part of it.

Is the "person" within the triangle the pwBPD, or the Non?

So what is the answer?  She comes to me and tells me how terrible he is, but when things are "good" with him and I remind her how upset he has made her on NUMEROUS occasions, she pushes back and tells me I'm mean, and "you don't know him - you only hear about him when I'm upset!"  So what do I do, never bring him up? 

I'm a pretty straightforward person.  I can be soothing and compassionate and understanding, but I call out nonsense when I see it.  And it's always with love and a desire to see them have something better.  My ex, for all she has done, doesn't deserve a BPD boyfriend who treats her like that.  I guess I should just let it play out.

I absolutely get the confusion there. It's painful when someone that we care about refuses to do what everyone thinks is best for them. It's doubly painful and frustrating to be told that we're 'being mean' for mentioning a solution that might work. No one likes to feel that they're not even being heard.


I agree with Mutt here. It looks to me like everyone is playing a 'part' in the drama triangle.

What are your expectations for a friendship with her, 4Years?

I think we would work as friends because there isn’t a requirement to develop and discuss intimate feelings and actions that a relationship requires.  Boundaries.  And if BPD rears its ugly head again and she feels engulfed and pushes me away, so be it.  I could deal with losing her as a friend.

This is selfish – but I want her relationship to end with the replacement for several reasons.  He is bad news for her and she deserves better.  As long as he is in the picture, she and I cannot have a friendship.  And (remember I said selfish) I want it to end so it’s confirmed she made the wrong decision to leave me and (to attach) hook up with him.  And I want her to know that I still won’t take her back, and she lost that opportunity to be with me.  And the opportunity to share in my life (as I’ll describe below).

It has been nearly six months since our last breakup.  I’ve been seeing a therapist.  I have been on an antidepressant for the last three months, and I feel more mellowed and balanced and less intense than I was before – my lack of posting on here should be somewhat of an indicator (in a good way).  I’ve been going out more than I ever did with her – with friends, and just by myself.  I was so used to going to movies with HER, to restaurants with HER, etc.  If I went anywhere by myself, it better have been somewhere she wouldn’t be interested in.  If I went to go see a movie SHE wanted to also see, she would get mad.  Going and doing things by myself has reminded me how being alone isn’t a bad thing.

It’s for that reason that I’m not pursuing a romantic relationship with anyone.  I want it to just happen with the right woman – not because I seek her out.  That’s what happened with my ex, and that’s what is going to happen with the next girl.  I have never been a flirty guy who hits on women and asks them out – it has always been a gradual attraction that reveals itself at the right moment.

My uncle passed away last month, and left me a substantial amount of money in his will.  I’m going to use that to move into a downtown apartment and put MY furniture and MY things where I want them to go.  I’m quite glad I won’t have my ex there demanding to be included like she did with our apartment.  But strangely, I kind of want her to be around.  I value her input and her as a person.  I cannot value her as a girlfriend because she has left me seven times.  And (selfish again) I want her to see what she’s missing out on.  She would have been part of my life with the money my uncle left me.  She knew he was going to leave it to me, and now she’s with the replacement and missing out.  Her power has been shut off twice.  Mistake, eh?

So my expectations for a friendship with her?  That we can love and value each other and lean on each other.  I would be fine with her dating other men, just not the current replacement, for all the reasons mentioned above.  I just think I’m such a huge trigger for her.  I can forgive her for how she has left me so many times, but I cannot forget, which is why we will never be romantically involved again.  But I still value her in my life.  And I also want her to know she has lost that part of me as a result of her actions.

She's rescuing him because you are telling her how terrible he is ( persecutor )


I understand. I'm straightforward and logical and I would argue with my ex wife. I didn't understand at the time that she emotionally collapses if I stay in the position of persecutor. You have to be gentle with a pwBPD. My ex thought me that the way that I speak to people can invalidate their feelings.

Why isn't she being triggered by HIS behavior?

4Years,

If he is not triggering her, I'd definitely question the depth, quality, and/or type of attachment that she has with him. Is this a trauma bond, is she severely CoD, etc. Is she simply using him to support her role as the victim (you can't be a victim without a persecutor)?

More importantly, why is him not triggering her so important to you? Are you just seeking an answer regarding this issue? The answer might be that you'll never get an answer and you'll just have to accept that.

Let me elaborate:

I would say she IS being "triggered" by him - she messages and calls me when he stomps out or they have a big blow up fight.  I mentioned in the "What is Engulfment?" thread that she rarely wants to talk about the events that led to her being upset - saying she "has to deal with it (herself) and can't depend on me" - but she still notifies me that it happened.  And she goes back.

It's like she is now a non in a relationship with a pwBPD, while still a pwBPD herself.  I think he comes back remorseful and she just wants it all to go back to happy times, so she lets it slide.  I know she is being upset by him.

My complaint ("why isn't she triggered" is more about how I'm trying to love her and be friends, but she gravitates toward the chaos of my replacement.  She has told me she has already (in six months) had arguments much more intense and "scary" (her word) than she and I ever did in five years.  She could very quickly become engulfed or fear abandonment with me and push away.  He's theoretically doing about 10 times the intense negative emotions I ever did, but she's still with him.

She could break up with me on a whim (and did seven times), yet he gets away with murder, figuratively speaking, of course.

4Years, first of all, I am sorry for your loss.


Friendships do require boundaries. This is a healthy way to look at things. It does depend on the level of friendship that you want, though. It sounds like you want a casual friendship, one that doesn't require such a high level of emotional strain on yourself.

You say that you could deal with losing her as a friend. A pwBPD has very limited boundaries. What will you do if she tests yours?


I totally get this. From what you're saying he doesn't look like the healthiest available partner. I see no problem with maintaining contact. It can be a useful way to detach, if that is what you want to do. You're recognizing your own emotions here. You want their relationship to end because it would validate your experience with her. Is this correct?

If so, do you think that maybe you're trying to prove something to yourself? Do you want a real friendship with her, or do your motivations align more with the 'I told you so... .' point of view?

I'd caution against this, just because it would be a further continuation of the drama triangle that Mutt mentioned earlier. It is just a more manipulative/complex way of controlling her. It would be a friendship built on false premises.

No judgement, I am just curious.


It sounds like you're doing well. Thumbs up on the therapist! That's great!

You are absolutely right in saying that being alone isn't a bad thing. It allows us the opportunity to explore and learn about ourselves. I'm glad that you're enjoying the single life.

From what you say, it seems that you're really loving life without her. I totally understand. It is nice not to feel so burdened by someone else's emotions. Now, are you enjoying life simply because you are doing it without her, or are you truly  enjoying it for what it is (YOUR life)? Is it possible that you are still angry at her?


It sounds like your head is in the right place here. You don't want to be in a romantic relationship with her because it would come at a cost for you. That makes perfect sense. I feel the same way about my pwBPD, and I'm sure that many others here do as well.

It is good to forgive. I'm glad that you're trying. To me it signifies positive growth. You are wise to not forget, as well. If you were to forget, it is likely that you would make the same choices again, thus continuing the makeup/breakup cycle.

You say you still value her in your life, but it also seems that you may still be holding on to some residual emotions from your relationship with her. If you still want her to know that she has lost your love for what happened inside of the relationship (in my eyes, this seems like you want to prove to her that she was wrong), then how can you expect to have a friendship in which you can love, value, and lean on each other? To me it sounds like a relationship built on disrespect, mistrust, and resentment. How many successful friendships do you have that share these qualities, and would you even bother to pursue one with someone other than your pwBPD?

Mine would say something mean or terrible to me and the accuse me of being mean to him. I always knew he was just projecting his meanness on me, so I would comment by agreeing with him... .yes, I am being very very mean. It's kinda weird, but it's how we handled it. We knew exactly who was the mean one... .

Someone mentioned boundaries and you have two pwBPD that have little boundaries of their own and don't understand peoples boundaries. Maybe he lets her get away with more stuff and you have better boundaries? Maybe he was cast in role of persecutor and blaming her; triggered her and she wanted emotional rescue?

As I stated before BPD is a persecution complex and the person will often cast themselves in the victim role and sometimes the rescuer role. She's not aware of her behavior and she wants rescue. It helps to learn about drama triangles and what role we play in them.

I can understand wanting to be friends with someone you loved. We can have compassion with boundaries. It also has to feel frustrating when she stomps out on her boyfriend and repeats self sabotaging behaviors? We can collapse the drama triangle if we choose neither polarized sides and move to the center of the triangle; it has elements of all three roles that way we remove ourselves from conflict. We feel better. Don't pick either side.

She lacks impulse control, and can't regulate her emotions and sooth herself. I know how hard that is to watch someone act impulsively when many can see the consequences of our actions. We need to detach ourselves and become indifferent to the behaviors, aware of both parties behaviors and we feel emotionally healthier when we're not participating in drama.

She lacks impulse control, she broke with up with you on a whim and went back to him, this pattern will repeat, she needs to want to have therapy to get better.

She has told me she has already (in six months) had arguments much more intense and "scary" (her word) than she and I ever did in five years.

4Years,

Some people with BPD have some crazy ideas about what defines a good and/or secure attachment. That sounds like one of those crazy attachment ideas. This is one from my BPDexgf:

Her: If I do something that you don't like and you don't get angry, it means that you don't love me.

Me: How about just not doing the thing that you know will anger me.

That is also attachment testing.

She got wind this morning that I'm moving downtown in our city, and messaged me about it.  She is bothered by that because she says "you were never a city guy" and that I'm trying to be a different person.  Nope.  She then asked how much inheritance my uncle left me, and well, I told her.  She immediately became the victim, saying "Meanwhile, I have $0!"  She then told me I had wrecked her day, was sick to her stomach, and to (bleep) off.  And "have a good (bleeping) life.  I'm sure you will now."  Seldom is she that vicious.

She knows she gave up a great opportunity with me, and now karma is staring her in the face knowing she could have been okay financially had she just stayed with me.  Now she's with a BPDbf and financially unstable.  She's upset at herself, and projecting it onto me.  Meanwhile, I haven't done a thing wrong.

But it still makes ME sad to see her sad.  But I'm not swooping in.  I told her she can feel upset if she wants to.  That's it.  She made her own bed.

I never connected the dots together. My ex would be furious if I didn't argue back. Also she definitely let me know my leaving went against our love.

Hey great update 4years! I had been following your story ever since I joined. Karma indeed.

Why are you feeling sad for her being sad? Or should I ask why are you feeling sad that she is upset at you?

I guess I never want to be the cause of anyone's pain or anguish, although this time I really didn't do anything wrong.

After I told her that I would still want her in my life, regardless of how much money I have, she said this:

"No you wouldn't. You have a million (bleeping) dollars now."

(It's not even close to that amount, but she still said it)

"This is too frustrating.  I never should have asked.  I'm sure your place downtown and your place in (city I want to move to) will be perfect, because you never have to worry about money again  Meanwhile I have no (bleeping) money, tons of debt, and can't even afford a can of (bleeping) beans.  I hate you so much.

(She has NEVER said she hated me.  I replied, "You hate ME?" and she backtracked a bit:

"I hate this. You're the luckiest person in the (bleeping) world.  This changes everything, (4Years). You have no (bleeping) idea how this feels.  I can't talk to you anymore. Have a good life. I know you will now."

I simply replied, "Okay.  As you wish."


It's complete nonsense, and in an odd way, I feel more detached from her now.  Maybe I needed some sort of confirmation that her life sucks without me in it.  But notice how she projects it all onto me.  I haven't done a single thing wrong!

You know that you're absolutely correct, right? You offered your ear and support when she was having trouble with her SO and then she yells at you for your good fortune?

pwBPD are able to always paint themselves to be the victim

Notice how she says she “can’t” talk to me.  Not that she doesn’t want to, or is making the decision herself to exile me.  Her feelings are THAT intense that she has to run away from them.

She also said this – before she asked about my inheritance and became upset and pushed me away:

“I haven't seen you in 6 months, yet I still think about you on a daily basis. I have to see you plastered all over my Facebook from (Mutual Friend).  I'm sure one of these days we'll run into each other, as I will also be living downtown in two months and it's a small (bleeping) city. I resent you right now. I couldn't tell you why exactly, but I do. I can't just get you out of my mind, even after half a year. It's not okay.  I'm frustrated with myself and my inability to stop wondering about you.  It annoys me that you're suddenly hanging out with (Mutual Friend) every week. It annoys me that you're moving downtown. Everything annoys me.”

She doesn’t know why, but she does.  It’s “not okay” to think about me, either.  I find it sad that she has the inability to stop and comprehend her feelings and maybe, just MAYBE – think they are incorrect.   As one of you said in another thread, everything she says makes me wonder why in the world she doesn’t want me in her life.  But this is the disorder in plain view.

I did send her one more message last night, simply telling her I loved her.  I saw she “read” the message, but she hasn’t responded.  I feel a sense of peace now that I sent that and if I never hear from her again, the last thing I said to her was the passive aggressive “Okay, as you wish” response to her telling me to have a good life.

I briefly – BRIEFLY thought yesterday – if she and I got back together, could it work?  Would I want her living with me and sharing in my inheritance?  I think it’s allowed to have that thought cross your mind.  But it was for only a minute or so.  I realized I don’t want her going furniture shopping, or telling me how my apartment should be decorated.  I’m excited about choosing MY place to live and outfitting it MY way.  I would want her as a friend that I see (apparently she is going to “move downtown” despite not being able to afford a can of beans) and enjoy time with.  I’ve made the Jerry/Elaine comparison on “Seinfeld” to my friends.  But I can’t force her to feel a certain way.  And apparently, she can’t do that, either.

Right on man.

As for that thought crossing your mind, they're perfectly normal to have for anyone you shared a love with. BPD or not.

I think the addendum you added, where you integrated the parts of her you don't like into your future is incredibly powerful. It's a big transition I've experienced recently myself. Up until a certain point along my healing path, I would ruminate about positive outcomes only - when I started seeing a realistic future of both good and bad aspects of my partner, it was an eye opener.

It's not healthy to be unrealistic.

Thanks for updating us on here. Continue enjoying the new lease on life!

My husband is not doing well financially at all now. I helped build him up and we had a beautiful home and I handled the money... .until he decided I was too controlling. Now he is all in deb, the house is gone and he can't pay his bills. Didn't make it on the list for a promotion at work for the first time in 8 years. He spends all his money on alcohol and cigarettes and his GF... .so, it's not my problem. He actually asked me if he could borrow money to fix his car! Turns out he was going on vacation with her! I did not hep him of course. I told him that I am a whole package... .if he doesn't want to be with me, then he will have to learn to handle his self or get his new gf to help him. I am sure he doesn't want her to know how bad it really is for him. It makes me feel like he was only in it for the money with me now anyway... .I am getting better about being out of it, the longer I am away. They say water seeks it's own level. I must have been in bad shape when I met him. I want to meet some one who is equally matched to me or better at this point in my life. We should all wish for the same... .Don't let anyone make you feel guilty if you have more than they do- they make their own decisions to live the way they are- they are the only ones that can fix it. I fixed my husbands credit over and over and over- he just kept getting back into debt over awful things really... .let her be... .my suggestion.

I checked my ex's Instagram last night, and she had two photos in the last two days - one of her in front of an expensive Italian restaurant (average entree is $35.00 and she always gets wine) and last night, a photo at a MLB baseball game.  But yeah, she has no money and "can't even afford a can of beans" right now.  Yep.

I called her out on it and told her how dare she try and put me on a guilt trip because of my good fortune, especially when I have been so sympathetic toward her problems with my dBPD replacement boyfriend (echoing what you said above, rotiroti) and she responded with "I don't feel sorry for you.  I hold nothing but anger and resentment now."

What a terrible, sad life she lives.

I'm feeling strangely detached from my ex now (in a good way) and frankly, even typing this post feels like a chore.  Again, that's a good feeling to have right now.  Tomorrow will be six months since she last broke up with me.  I think time has a lot to do with it.  I do want to relay one last conversation I had with her earlier this week.  I think it really provides insight into a BPD mind.

I asked her why she hated me now, considering I did nothing wrong.  This was the response I got.  I was amazed that she said this much:

"I hate you because of envy. I'm mad that you'll get to have a wonderful life now, easily, and not ever have to worry about money again. That amount of money would make me the happiest person in the world.  Meanwhile, I will have to struggle for the rest of my life.  You basically just won the lottery.  And I'm allowed to feel an immense amount of anger and hatred toward anyone with that luck.

That money would solve every single one of my problems.  Now you get to do all of these things like it's no (bleeping) problem.  You are a lottery winner.  So yeah, I'm a bad person. All I care about is money.  If I had to choose between getting 1 million dollars right now with the caveat that I had to be alone forever, I would choose that.  Over not having any money.

So again... .it's very unfair. It's very frustrating. You'll have the easiest life ever from this point forward. You'll get to enjoy things. I have none of that. And I never will.  If I had that amount of money, all of my problems would be solved. Just like all of YOUR problems are now solved.  Lucky for you, you get that luxury.

I will never feel what that feels like. I will never feel a sense of relief. I will never get to travel. I will never have a nice place. I will never get to pay off my debts in a day.  So I do hate you. I hate that you get all of these things and I don't.  You have no idea what this feels like. You never will."



Again for the record, I'm not inheriting a million dollars.  Much, much less than that.  I'm in no way set for life.  But it's interesting how she exaggerates the amount.  It's nice to know the "hate" she has for me is based on jealously and envy.  But I find it amazing how she goes right to HATING me rather than simply being jealous.  Hating me projects her issues onto me.  It's also black/white thinking.  Being envious is murkier and is about HER.  Hating me is my fault, not hers.

Funny how she told me throughout our entire relationship that she was going to move to NYC and have a six figure job.  It was her excuse when she broke up with me for the last time ("We have different life goals!"  Now she will NEVER get to have that, NEVER get to travel (again with the black/white thinking).  Such a victim.

I guess the only other thing I wanted was for her to admit leaving me was a mistake, especially considering the current circumstances.  But she didn't, and I didn't expect her to.  Oh well.

Of course she's not going to admit leaving you was a mistake, which is why she is lashing out at you now. This inheritance you got, if you guys were still together, what would you do with it? She seems to believe money would solve all of her problems, but we know that would only be band-aid until something else came up. 4years you're a lot more resilient than me my friend having read your story I would've cut contact completely awhile ago. I have a semi-casual friendship with my BPDx. We talk once or twice every few months usually just a "hi, how are you?" type of thing nothing more. I'm glad you're feeling detached (in a good way). IMO I honestly don't think she deserves your friendship treating you the way she does, but I understand where you're coming from and the hope to be friends with an ex. Just keep up your boundaries man and you should be fine. Keep us posted!

I agree 4Years5Months it sounds like her anger is directed at you because your cast as persecutor and she is cast in victim role.

The line above, it sounds like she may want rescue.

What would help her solve her problems long-term?

Money or making a commitment to help herself with therapy? She may also not be aware that she has issues and wanting to make those changes.

Sirhero, if we had remained together, we would have used the money to further build our future.  We haven't lived together since she decided to go back to college three years ago, so we would have likely gotten an apartment or house.  We would have traveled, and enjoyed life... .which is what I will be doing alone now without her.  My uncle (who left me the money) had been in declining health for several years.  I told her he would leave me a substantial amount of money when he passed away... .although I didn't know how much.  When I told her the amount (again, not a million dollars, but it's six figures) is when she went off the cliff and decided she "hated" me. 

Somewhere in her mind she HAS to be thinking, "If I only had stayed with him."  It's not like she broke up with me years ago.  It has been six months.  And my replacement is a extreme pwBPD who she constantly fights with.  She did tell me she was also moving downtown in a couple of months, but considering she always talks about having no money (she lives with her mom currently) I'm not sure how she is going to do it, unless it's with the replacement, who she has vigorously said she wouldn't live with given the volatile nature of their relationship.  Hmmm. 

She also lives outside her means.  She buys all of her groceries at Whole Foods, bought a 2013 car brand new, goes out to expensive restaurants... .but "never" has any money.  Her mom is the same way.  I've been at their apartment when a police officer knocked on the door with a court summons for her mom not paying several bills.  And yet she dresses up and goes out on the town almost every night.  The very definition of a mid-life crisis, and wow, what a pwBPD she is, too.  I wonder where my ex gets her behavior from, eh?

I find it interesting that she said she would "be alone forever" if someone offered her a million dollars.  I wonder what my replacement would think about that comment.  I have no doubt she would take the money and run if the situation was reversed.  I guess it further establishes that she isn't someone to be in a relationship with.

Mutt,  I have been waiting for her to try and sneak her way back into my life now that I will have this money.  I was shocked at how bluntly she now "hates" me, but at the same time I wonder if it's an odd way of trying to gain sympathy so I invite her back into the fold.  I don't know if that makes since, but she talks as if her life is ruined and hopeless and it's almost like she's wanting me to extend the olive branch.

There are times she is incredibly self aware that she has issues, usually when she is in pull back mode.  But she always stops short of working on herself.  She'll say "I resent you" but instead of saying "I know that's incorrect to feel that way and I want to change that" she will instead say "I don't know why, but I do."  She accepts her feelings as whole and true.  And that's why she won't make progress.  Sirhero, you're right.  She could have a brownstone in New York City and ten million dollars, and she would have a sugar high of excitement of course, but she would eventually grow to loathe life again.  She is chronically unhappy, and that can't be fixed with material things.

Hi 4Years5Months,

It makes sense we were fixers and helpers?

I like your analogy with extending the olive branch and it would be ( rescue )

My advice is listen to your intuition.

4Years, I honestly do believe in the back of her mind she is thinking "If I only had stayed with him". Which would be another reason why is she being so harsh to you at the moment. And I agree with Mutt, she wants to be rescued. I think also a part of her knows that you won't rescue her, at least money wise you won't (I think :P) and she is just playing victim hardcore at this point to get you to feel guilty for something you honestly have no control over, which is her feelings. My exwBPD use to do things like that all the time and I always caved and went through with whatever she wanted at the time. It only hurt me in the long run. My ex was also really self-aware when pull back mode came, but within a week or two after she would be right back to her old ways. I know these interactions you're having with her suck, but it is opening your eyes to a lot of things and most importantly is detaching you from the situation and her.

She sent me a simple message on Saturday that only said, "I don't hate you."  I was surprised, but I also think she wants the door open JUST a crack.  She knows how blocking on Facebook and iPhone works, and she doesn't do it.

I replied to her message, and went the validating route, even though I didn't actually feel that way.  I tried to validate her feelings while not accepting responsibility for her pain:



"Everything you said is correct.  I’m incredibly fortunate.  We both deserve something like what my uncle left me.  And it’s not fair that someone as smart and talented as you has to slog through life.  I know someday you will get to where you want to be, and I’m sorry it isn’t right now.  I would feel the exact same way if it was reversed.

I am sad things have gotten to this point.  I miss you and love you very much. 

You are a beautiful, amazing person who deserves amazing things.  I am sorry for any pain all of this has caused you."

She "read" the message on Sunday night, but hasn't responded.  I feel even MORE at peace now, having said that to her.  I freely admit that I'm not a good handler/validator of BPD behavior.  I argue right back, because I am a realistic person.  I point out that absurd behaviors.  Oops.  It's hard for me to empathize, which is probably (among the MANY reasons) why she walked away seven times.

I still think about her daily, but when I picture her, I think, "Hey, that's something I did one time" and not something I need or want to do again.  I'm looking forward to moving into MY apartment and living MY life.  It would be cool if she was part of it all, but I also don't want to be a chaotic trigger.

I guess I just want the "closure" of her breaking up with the absurd BPD replacement guy and actually seeing me again (as a friend), not just talking about it.  She could walk away from ME quite easily, but him... .not so much.

That's good to hear that you are feeling at peace 4Years5Months

I think validation is a learning curve and you keep working at it :)

Were you worried about how she felt about the money that your uncle left you?

I knew how she felt, even if she wasn't stating it.  And I knew she was upset and didn't really "hate" me and was just essentially throwing a tantrum and lashing out.  But instead of arguing back at her as I usually do ("You are just mad you left me and now can't be a part of all of this!" I just validated her.  She KNOWS why she is upset, but she can't say it.

I understand. Most often I have an idea of what she may feel and sometimes I can be way off, I think it's good to ask questions that way I'm not assuming how she feels and I can appreciate that when people do the same for me.

I get emails where my ex partner is sometimes emotionally dysregulated and can be very volatile. I validate the valid and not the invalid.

Do I need to respond to her today or can this wait? If it's something that requires attention for my kids, I'll validate what's valid in the email and respond and if she returns with another volatile email, I tried the tools and that's all I can do. I know that feelings are quicksilver for a pwBPD, I can try again in a few hours or another day.

For example, my son was going in for his early assessments for mental health and she was angry because my son's compartment is an extension of her and it makes her feel bad, she was blaming me.  

What was valid was my son's appointment, so I can say something like "I can see how concerning that would be with our son's health and here are the times that I'm available for appointments if we're going together... ."

Are we responsible for our ex partner's feelings if they're upset? I know that if my ex was emotionally dysregulated she has a tendency to "forget" and if she's calmer later about health information regarding my son, I don't take her emotional dysregulation personally, she can't regulate her emotions and self sooth and I don't sooth her.

I can see how your ex feels bad about your Uncle's money, your ex made her choice and she broke-up with you? Are we responsible for how our ex partners' feel?