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I had been with my BPDw for over 23 years.  I tried everything to get her into DBT but ultimately, she thought that she could fix her "anger issues" herself and didn't like that she had been labeled as BPD.  For financial reasons I had to take a job in another state.  It was supposed to be only a few months, but our fights got worse and more violent when we would see each other and the debt we were trying to pay down only increased as she never stopped her unsustainable spending habits.  All I asked was that she would go to DBT regularly for a couple of months and I would do everything in my power to switch jobs back to our state.  I thought things were heading down the right track. 

But then last month, she died in a car crash.  It looks like it was accidental, but based on her past threats, I'm not 100% sure.  I flew in to be with her as she was dying and unconscious in the hospital.  It was then, going through the car and the house and her hidden laptop that I found out she had been having multiple affairs.

In additional to all the conflicting emotions I'm going through, I don't know how to "rebuild" my life.  I had been living for her for more than half my life and I don't know how to live for myself.  My T said I need to develop confidence and self-esteem but I'm not sure exactly how to do that.  I don't even know where the line is.  I'm afraid if I live too much based on my own self interests that I will become and inconsiderate ass.  It's so much easier to put those aside to help others.  But I don't ever want to fall into a BPD relationship again.  After all the years, pain and frustration, she never improved or had a happy life and it ruined me in the process.

Hi tbddbt,

I am sorry for your loss and the discovery of the extra marital affairs   

I can imagine how your emotions can feel conflicted. As you mentioned that you are so accustomed living life for her. It is almost like a conditioned thing. Have you done this with other people in your life?

Then there is the conundrum of fear of being too self involved.  I have had similar thoughts as well and I know how tough it is. 

I think that there is a balance of helping others and attending to our own needs. Honestly before you can help others, you have to take care of yourself first. You truly will not be able to help others by constantly placing your needs and wants on the backburner. Boundaries help with the balance as well.  What are some things that you have a boundary with?

Building confidence comes from learning how to respect and validate yourself. Positive self-talk and self-validation really help.   

tbddbt, I read your thread on the other board, I'm sorry to hear of your loss and the shock that followed. It's hard enough to deal with the loss of a loved one. 

While my own BPD relationship was only about three years, looking back I was spending all my time and effort trying to make it work. All my energy was going into our relationship, and when it ended, it felt like i lost not just her but the purpose behind everything I was doing with my life.

It's a cliche but also a truism that we must take care of ourselves in order to be able to help others. Like when you're on an airplane they tell you to put on the oxygen mask yourself before helping others, because if you pass out, then you won't be in any position to help others.

You can fulfill your own needs without trampling or being a jerk to others. Did you grow up taking care of an adult parent or have FOO that were self-absorbed jerks? These experiences as children can easily negatively shape how we interact with others as adults.

Is your T giving you examples and exercises in building your self-esteem and confidence?

I did not grow up as a caretaker for anyone.  The only thing that may have shaped things is that my dad had a stressful job and was a bit overbearing.  He was also verbally disrepectful to my mom and she was the sweetest most kindest person I've ever known.  Think Archie and Edith Bunker.  I am not sure about boundaries.  There was a lack of them I think on both of our parts throughout the marriage.  I don't think I know how to set them.  I haven't had a chance to do any self-esteem exercises. I'm not sure what they would entail.

Two things that come to me after reading what you wrote, tbddbt. I believe that we learn how to have relationships all throughout our lives. If you had parents that modeled a good healthy relationship, then you had teachers that you could learn from. When you have "bad" teachers, then it's possible you learn from them subconsciously that this is the way relationships are. Parents are not the only teachers we have, we can be influenced by many people in our lives.

As far are building self-esteem, have you talked more with your therapist about that? It seems like they should earn their money and give you some self-esteem homework.

Are you familiar with the term codependency?

Hey tbddbt, I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your W as well as your upsetting discovery.  In terms of "how to rebuild," I would suggest a great little book called Project Personal Freedom, by Kingsley Gallup.  It contains lots of tips and tools for how to live an authentic life, which in my view is what it's all about.  I don't know about you, but I pretended a lot in my marriage to my BPDxW.  I was afraid to tell friends and family what was really going on, for fear of their reaction.  I acted like things were OK when they were definitely not.  I ignored my gut feelings and rationalized my BPDxW's abusive behavior.  No more.  Now, I try to honor myself and become who I am, if this makes sense.  You could say its a journey toward authenticity.  Perhaps it's time for you to begin a similar journey.

LuckyJim 

Hi

I am so sorry you have gone through this. 23 years is a long time and then to have to cope with a death as well, that's tough. I was with my ex for 30 years so I can relate to the feelings of "how do I build a life now?"

My answer is slowly. You have a lot to process and go through and it all takes time. I've made the most progress when I've taken the pressure of myself and just let myself be and feel what ever I'm feeling at the time. Building a life by myself has been a confusing, lonely, liberating, happy, sad, scary time. And that's just in one day! I've read lots, tried to learn about me and learn from my mistakes. That takes time and while I focused on that I found I was building a new life every day and that I alone. It just happens. Then I took a breath and started to turn it into the kind of life I liked to live. It's a work in progress as I try to figure out what I want out of life. But it is doable and it does happen.

As for turning into an inconsiderate ass - I don't think putting your interests first is inconsiderate. It just feels weird cause that's not something we are used to doing. I still struggle with those feelings but I know to be healthy I have to put me first sometimes. And when I feel inconsiderate and selfish I just tell myself to live with those feelings. That once again I'm outside my comfort zone and that's OK. Sucks but is OK.

It's a hard journey to start again and I wish you all the very best. You are not alone on that journey. x x x x x