BPDFamily.com

Long sorry short;

The father of my BPD husband wants to visit in November.

They're not my biggest supporters and blame my BPD's H issues on me. His sister has said, "he's stressed out because he's worried about you." When he refused therapy, "no man wants to willingly do therapy." His dad when I left him the first time, "why is she doing this?" I heard that statement. Even though they knew he was screaming at me and threatening suicide. His brother, "calling you a b___ isn't that big of a deal." (However they are religious so my retort was have you called your wife that? No response.) His mother had asked me what I was doing as a wife and continued to lend me a religious book about a women's role in a marriage... .May have been the praying wife or something written in the 70s. One statement in the book was about how if your husband is lacking something what are you doing wrong, are you taking care of yourself, working out, making dinner, etc. recently after my HBPDs last tantrum of trying to shut our business down and telling his parents he's flying home the following day, I found text messages from his sister "you know you have a place here with us." And, "what is she doing this time?"

I know it's good his father wants to visit. However I work from home a lot with our business and don't really want to be around. Specifically I have stopped communication with them after they kept blaming me when I asked for their help when he was threatening suicide the first time. (Background his dad tried to kill himself and he and the mom are on antidepressants, mom possibly has BPD and is definitely doing what appears to be the model of DBT therapy.)

How do I deal with this situation in a way that's good for both of us?

Wow, I don't really have any advice, but just wanted to say I can feel your pain. I used to have a MIL that never accepted me, and now in this marriage, there are three step daughters who have created a huge divide all of their own making. It's tough. Wanting to do the right thing isn't always enough for these kind of people. You know, difficult people, who obviously have some issues.

Maybe you can just let it play out, let your husband decide what's going to happen, and do your best to be pleasant. You already don't have their support, so it's not likely his Dad will seek you out much? Seems the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree sometimes... .sadly. BPDh's kids always said they didn't want to be like their Mom(or likely BPDh either), but it turns out they are just like her in their actions and blame and erratic behaviors. So sad.

I´m sorry you have to deal with this. I had that in my life, too, that common tribal attitude against an innocent newcomer who doesn´t fit. According to them, of course!

It won´t be easy, but if you have the will and the strength, you will just have to follow the rule "Actions speak louder than words." Meaning you don´t dwell over what they say or try to enforce, just live what you are and be what you are. You don´t hurt anyone by being yourself, you are just making them anxious because things don´t run their way. But you have to train yourself not to hear and not to bother about what they say. I mean really. It is teaching/training yourself to be less sensitive to attempts of training by others.

My "tribe" used to say similar stupidities that made me literally sick, but my husband (although with BP) had so much common sense to see what is stupid, or maybe I was stubborn enough not to yield and accept their rules.

As for religion, I am a believer, but if I feel even a smell of force, then there is no God. Such people don´t really believe in anything, they are hypocrits.

Well... .write out a few things that you think will happen... .and we can help you figure out boundaries.

Are there patterns of how these visits go.

Does you hubby want him to visit?

FF