BPDFamily.com

My uBPDw and I have both worked hard to recover from her recent affair.  Its been very difficult, and while I believe that we are finally at the point where we can move past the affair itself, I'm discovering that the affair, and my immediate response thereto, has unsettled the very precarious balance that we had maintained before the crisis, and I'm afraid we won't be able to recover that balance.

One thing that had been puzzling me during our recovery is that frequently when we talk about separating or divorce, she needs me to reassure her that if we do separate or divorce, I will still love her.  Has anyone else had that experience?  On its face its always seemed to me like a very odd demand for her to make--especially before I learned about BPD.  I've always told her the truth, which is that I probably will always love her (though I omit the word "probably" because I will always see her best attributes whenever I look into our beautiful kids' intelligent eyes. 

What makes the situation even odder for me is that when she is splitting black she frequently tells me that she hates me and that she does not love me anymore now.  In other words, she frequently tells me that she doesn't love me now, but constantly demands reassurance that I will love her forever, no matter what.  I don't know how she would reconcile that internally if she ever able to put those two statements together.

One other question: I only discovered BPD last week, but have devoured a ton of literature on it in a short period of time.  Our next marital therapy session is on Wednesday, and I'd like to clue our therapist into my discovery without, obviously, putting my wife on the defensive.  My individual therapist suggested talking about the specific symptoms that I have noticed, but given where my wife and I are right now, I'm afraid that would put her on the defensive.  If instead my wife and I direct the therapy session to "things that need to happen for the marriage to get better", would it work for me to say something like "We have a high conflict marriage, and I feel like for most of our marriage, I have been walking on egg shells with my wife to avoid conflict, but in doing that, I've avoided addressing problems and setting appropriate boundaries, which is entirely counterproductive.  I need to stop walking on eggshells, and learn to validate my wife's emotional response and respond with empathy."

Do you think that most marital therapist would get the references or is that way too obscure?  Any other strategies that anyone might suggest?  Our therapist seems to be a huge John Gottman fan boy, but I'm not sure how much experience she has dealing with BPD.