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I suspect I am not the only one dealing with this, so was hoping some of you could share your wisdom. My BPD partner is wonderful and caring 90% of the time, but the other 10% of the time (when she is dysregulated) can become extremely nasty and vindictive. Below are some of the things she has done when angry in the past.

- Raising her voice at me and humiliating me in front of my friends

- Physically pushing me in an argument

- Cursing at me/giving me "the finger"

- Threating to leave me

- Threatening to get an abortion

- Telling me I have no legal rights to our child

- Threatening to write a letter to my mother explaining how "abusive" I am

- Telling me I am "not a real man"

- locking me out of our bedroom for the whole evening

I have tried to have conversations (after things have cooled down) about how extremely hurtful these behaviors are. Usually her response is something like "yes but if you hadn't done x and made me so angry, I wouldn't have had to do that." Even if there is any kind of apology it is usually mixed with some kind of statement that I am being overly sensitive.

Typically a few hours after the event or a day later she is on top of the world again and can't understand while I am still upset. How does one deal with the lack of a genuine apology or contrition after such damaging behavior?

This maybe the beginning ... you mentioned that she is with child.  My ASPDw started to increase her PD severity during her pregnancy, and then her mother moved close by (who I suspect is between NPD and ASPD) ... .triggered her full effect of PD.  It will get worse and it is not because of the hormones.  You mentioned that she doesn't apologize.  You may want to read up on NPD and ASPDs.  It took my wife over 7 years to become fully blown to ASPD... at least for me to recognize all the characteristics.  My advice to you would be be careful, because they will also manipulate the legal system and use it against you. 

Hey GlobalNomad,

That must be incredibly frustrating to be shot down when you are trying to open a frank discussion. Could you post an example of how your conversations go?

Have you checked out the lessons to the right of the page? The SET technique can be very helpful way to have a discussion and to validate your pwBPD's feelings. Win-win!

As for the lack of apology, you'll have to find that within yourself. Make sure to have an emotional support outside out of your r/s.

Thanks rotiroti. It is indeed frustating! I have now read the SET technique but haven't had a chance to apply it yet. So here is an example of how these conversations have gone in the past:

Situation: Dinner with a group of my friends. My BPD gf pulls out her phone and is sitting there looking bored and checking her email. I think this is rude, so tap her gently on the knee, lean over and ask (in a whisper) if she can put her phone away until later. She explodes in a rage and raises her voice at me in front of my friends, demanding an apology, refuses to speak to me for the rest of the night, and later locks me out of my bedroom.

Me: I'd like to talk about our fight last night. I understand you didn't like me asking you to put your phone away, but I thought your reaction was out of proportion. I find it embarrassing and humiliating when you yell at me in front of my friends like that.

Her: It wouldn't have happened if you weren't so rude to me.

Me:  I can see how it might have come across that way. But it's no reason to yell at me in front of my friends. Can we agree to hold things like that until we get home next time?

Her: No, you don't get to order me around like that. I don't want to go out with your friends ever again anyway.

Spiral, spiral, spiral... .