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Okay... .so tonight went very different than i expected.

Had dinner with my BPD after we spent the day texting and arguing. We had a nice dinner together... .i cooked. We werent back together but we werent apart either.

We sat on the couch watching tv... .and as we sat there he got a text from an unknown number... .he quickly hid it. I demanded to see it. He refused... .but caved. It was some girl asking to meet him tonight. Well... .i make him hand me the phone. I text her as him... .turns out she was a prostitute propositioning him! He had hired an escort service! He admitted it. He fessed up to at least the stuff i caught him in. I couldnt get him to admit that he had actually met her... .but i am not stupid.

Anyway... .now i know why he has been so weird lately. He was guilty.

Fortunately i have become increasingly detached the last few weeks. We talked for 2 hours rather calmly until the end when i told him i didnt want anything to do with him anymore.

He expressed several things to me. He cried. He said he doesnt know who he is. He said everything i think negative about him is true. That he is a bad person. That he is not capable of not destroying relationships. That he does immediately look other places when he feels alone (all the time)... .and that the 2 months not long ago where he was actually being legit (before his massive rage in front of my daughter that started this downward spiral) were the only 2 months of his life where he was doing everything right and where he was actually happy.

I couldnt help but think how sad it was that he could only live that way for 2 months. 2 months is really nothing if you think about it.

So as we sat there talking, it just became crystal clear to me... .  i have to be done with this. He doesnt care for anyone except himself. I absolutely want to leave the paranoia and distrust and suspicion behind me  i want to move on. Its time to move on.

I want this to be the last time i am renewing my commitment to leave. I am not recycling with him again. I know i can do better. I want better. I dont want to be with someone who is hiring whores for sex. Its disgusting.

So here i am again... .again. Cloudten

When he left, yelling projections at me, he yelled that he was going home to blow his brains out.

I know it is sick and sad, but part of me hopes he did.

I am ashamed to admit that... .but i feel like this is the only place i can freely admit it.

You are right, this is the place you can say anything nor are you alone. I spent an hour this morning saying out loud to myself " I hope you crash and die". How horrid is that? for me it was an excuse. I can't deal with this so if you die and are gone I wont have to anymore. The human brain is an amazing thing. Gradually I would remember the wonderful beginning and shut out the badness and hurt. Dunno if that makes sense but I am not sure we are bad people for thinking that way. The stress is enormous.

Cloudten - welcome.  again. :)

I also find myself on the leaving board.  Its difficult as my ex keep contacting me daily to meet up.  But I am sticking to my boundaries.  I moved out when she couldn't commit to working on our relationship. 

Friends and family are very important at this time.  I am also seeing a T which is helping me a lot.  If not for the T I would have caved this weekend and meet her.

Yes... .yes yes. If he would follow thru with his promise i would have a different kind of recovery. I swear i am not a horrible person... .but i have finally gotten to that point where i hope he does the world a favor and takes himself out of it.

Mine said all of those same things exactly... .I hated always wondering who he was texting and I wished he would disappear so I wouldn't even have to see him with someone else anymore as well. They are pure evil and choose to live that way. They must enjoy it to some extent or they would get help and change. I don't feel sorry for mine anymore. He even called himself an evil devil... .so, he knows exactly what he is doing. I am finding out he is even more manipulating than I ever realized. Very scary... .it's best to stay far away. Get yourself around good people and stay away from the bad. I find myself having a bit of PTSD. I went out with my sister over the weekend and I realized how nice it was to not have to worry what kind of crazy thing he would pull when we were out... .It's really nice to relax and enjoy myself for once. Life gets better! We have to realize we really are not "in love" with the people... .it's like some kind of addiction to the love-bombing we got in the beginning and they are not that person. We have to stop wanting to save other people and start saving ourselves!

I know I am not myself right now, not sure who I am but I can promise you one thing for sure. We are human, and I really believe to wish this at some point is a very human thing to do. It really doesn't mean we are bad horrible people. If we were we wouldn't be in this predicament. They are not really bad horrible people either although I need to stretch my self to say that at present. They may act horrible and abuse us unmercifully but it does not make them bad, just ill. I know that somewhere deep inside my ex is ashamed, anxious and lonely, even when he is projecting it all on to me. This may sound even worse because I have asked myself, yes but do you really mean crash and die and quite frankly right now yes I do! I wonder, if it actually happened would I feel guilty or be able to justify my guilt? Hard subject to bare your soul, I really don't know but I sure would like to hear more. xx

Get yourself around good people and stay away from the bad.

This advice ^^^^ is gold. But you are responsible for taking the steps to make it happen.

Apollo is right, only you can make the change. Your ex partner is not capable.

Please look at what you wrote in this post.  Is this the type of relationship you dreamed of? Someone you love propositioning hookers and wanting to blow his brains out?

In my own situation I'm thinking... .was my dream person someone who has: cheated on every ex, is massively in debt, unable to communicate like a grown adult... .

no, it wasn't. It still isn't.

Once trust is lost it's impossible to get it back. I know I struggled with each and every recycle. I could never trust this person again and trust IS on my list of the perfect partner.

You deserve better. Stick to your gut instinct. I really pray you never recycle... .each one gets worse and worse.

We are here for you!

PW

I really love each and every one of you so much and i dont even know you!

Each of you said something that is completely who i am and where i have been.

I dont have very many good people in my life anymore. Somehow i choose horrible people in my life. I am working on this in T.

Thank you everyone. I really feel it will stick this time. Each recycle did get worse and worse. I cant imagine yet another recycle... .it doesnt get much worse.

I'm back again too and I'm going too. We are only human. I have gone NC. Today is day 3. Come on, we can do it 

Please don't beat yourself up about this. I'm sure lots of us have had these thoughts, myself included. My sister threatened to get a gun and "end things" or drive into the highway median at high speed. I kept it to myself but like you, I was hoping she would. We're all human and we understand the pain you're going through.  

Hi cloudten,

I also think we're all human. I'm glad that you chose to come back to share with people that can relate. I understand how stressful a r/s break-up with a pwBPD is. We can share our feelings here without judgement or invalidation. We're family.

I think sometimes certain things happen that can make us see how dysfunctional our ex partners are.