BPDFamily.com

I'm eager to find ways to practice validating and showing empathy. Since H and I are now exchanging simple pleasantries, I want to be sure I'm using the opportunities that arise.

Tonight I took a picture of a notice for a job I think he would be good for and sent him the picture along with the address and name of the place. I feel that this is a form of validation since it's showing my support for his needs (a job) and is reminding him that I am thinking about him and have his best interests in my mind.

So the resulting conversation goes as such:

Him: "Thanks"

Me: "You're welcome"

Him: "You okay now?"

Me: "I'm surviving" [referring to the financial situation discussed last night]

Him: "Ok Good"

That's all. I didn't respond because I was happy to leave it on this light and unspecified note. But now I wonder if I should have said more?

I am going to make contact with him tomorrow to discuss my research he is helping me with (he's back on board as of last night). I'm hoping by asking his feedback and opinion on the process as much as possible (specifically areas where I don't care which choice is made) will give ample opportunity for validation. For example, he's asked me to set up the participants and send them to him, but I think maybe it is best for him to do that so there's consistency and since he refuses to be in the same place with me, it's going to be tricky for me to try to set it up if I don't know where to send them. So I'm wondering how to handle this.

Quite honestly, he is making it really difficult for us to accomplish this if he won't be in the same place as me. I'm not sure how to overcome that.

Rambling now... .

this i think is in the fixing category?

not sure about this

IMHO 

I don't think it's "fixing". It's about finding ways to affirm while there's time. For example, the exchange today was simple and uncluttered. There is absolutely no reason I shouldn't help my husband find a job. And if in the process of doing so I'm able to affirm him and help open communication, that's a plus.

In fact, I feel like this is the opposite of "fixing." I'm asking him to take the lead on a project for me. I'm holding him (gently) to his word and looking to affirm him along the way so that he is maybe even motivated and happy in the work! :)

I'm also taking into consideration his refusal to be in the same place as me. It's his decision and is serving to make this task more difficult for him. So I'm looking for ways to make him aware of that and point out a variety of other options without triggering him. It's a delicate dance!

very delicate  lol

 

Probably best to ask him if he would like help with xyz first...

If he says yes... .then send pics and links... .if no... .or no response... .then drop it...

Unsolicited suggestions turn into "demands" in their minds quickly...

FF

Exactly. So today I'm sick and he is offering to go get me Thera Flu after class. This is certainly a change. He's checking in with me, calling and everything. I answered one of the calls because it was about where he needed to buy the stuff. The other calls I slept through.