BPDFamily.com

For those who are not familiar with my story... i was with my undiagnosed BPD bf for a year and a few months on and off in total. We broke up a few months ago and I changed my number blocked him etc. He is still emailing me often. I have ignored many but have given in a few times recently. His pattern is to tell me how much he loves me and how amazing i am and life isnt worth living without me and how he wants to marry me etc. When I tell him its not going to happen he either carries on with the lovey stuff or tells me how his ex treated him better, that his family always prefferred her to me and always thought I was a spoilt drip and how im a sick horrible person and everyone he knows is really disgusted at my behaviour.

In the last message by him I read he said "Im not going anywhere whilst you still love me"

Has anyone heard something like this from their ex? I want to remain no contact but also wonder whether telling him this will get rid of him once and for all... does anyonr have any advice?

Hey klacey,

I know from personal experience that it is difficult to be objective and remember the patterns of the relationship, but this is what I think may help the most. It was very difficult for me to come to terms with reality - the "data" of my relationship was that the push/pull cycle was indefinite. It came in different guises. Your story seems to me to be a repetition (I'm assuming) of the history of your relationship. You know he can react in two different ways but has never changed.

Whether you love him or not is a difficult question also. Maybe you know for sure, but in my case I realized after the fact that what I felt was not love. But those are personal questions that only you can answer. However, the truth I think is that if you want to maintain NC then you simply need to do that. Telling him you don't love him as a way of hoping he will leave you alone seems like a slim chance. The simplest way to remain NC is to do exactly that - no longer reply to his emails.

I'm sorry that I come across as robotic and harsh. Nothing about these relationships is fair, and it often falls on the nons to do the work of maintaining NC.

Hi klacey3,

I can see how this would be confusing.


I read this as projection.

I'm not going anywhere whilst "I" still love you.

Yes, my BPDx said the same thing ALL the time. Every breakup without fail. But the TRUTH was that everytime he said it he actually WAS going somewhere else. It was a lie every single time.

Mutt- never thought of it as a projection... .interesting.

Black and white thinking, you are either an awesome woman or scum, no in between, no gray.


Projection as Mutt says, and also he's telling you how you feel, a test, looking for confirmation, trying to determine if an attachment is still in place, and if it is, if you pass his test, he will be encouraged and won't stop.


The best thing to do is focus on attachment and don't give him any indication at all that one is still in place, meaning no emotional communication, even getting mad at him counts, best to act bored, disinterested, busy, gotta go, got stuff to do, and he will eventually accept the attachment is severed and give up.  That may not seem like the most direct approach, and it isn't, but it is one that will work and it's simple.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I didnt think of it as projection initially either so interesting to hear it.

If it is a test of attachment, would answering his question and telling him I dont love him make him realise the attachment is severed permenantly?

Everyone's different, but standard borderline is if you tell him you don't love him you will be abandoning him, that will likely trigger him, and you might expect a backlash.  Rational thought and logic are of limited value, best to just focus on bored and not interested and let him go away on his own, however long that takes.  For reference, it took my ex 9 months to disappear for good and we were together for less than a year.

Hi klacey9,

You have told him you don't love him.

Like fromheeltoheal said the goal is not to give attention because he's testing your attachment.

Telling him you don't love him again gives him attention.