BPDFamily.com

i have been with my husband for 10 years, second marriage. He was my knight in shining armor, although I had been single 15 years prior to this and was very happy and grateful for my life so was not looking for a savior. I have been sober for 18 years. My husband called me " the one" he has been looking for all his life, I am his third wife. When we met he was living and taking care of his parents. He told me he suffered from anxiety and depression and was on medication but was so wonderful and attentive and extremely generous I could care less and thought " hey- I have plenty of my own baggage!" . He talked about marriage 2 weeks after we met. I became seriously ill with pyelonephritis shorty after and he was by my side every minute. His sister died 6 months later and I was by his. After this I noticed an intense rage towards his parents by him but they can be very difficult so chalked it up to that and the extreme pressure he had at work. We knew we wanted to be together so I talked him into moving in and finding an apartment for his parents. At the time my 15 year old daughter was with me but loved him very much.

He had his first rage 2 months after he moved in. Screaming at me for asking him to move a box. I have to add here he is a major hoarder of IT things and copies every piece of paper he has. He cried and apologized and said never again. Fast forward 10 years later- the rages continue and now I am the cause. Had to leave the house several times, hotel rooms, in October we separated for 2 months because the hoarding was out of control and he tried to jerk me out of a chair 3 weeks after cervical spine surgery. He cried everyday and spoke of massive depression, alternating this with anger. My life with him has been daily conversations of his depression and trying to make everyone happy. I started smoking on the sly because I was so stressed and lied to him about it. His cousin busted me and after initially being angry came to terms why I did it ( have since been using an ecig, it's helping). He quit his job and his father died in June and he's been impossible since. Calling me a dry drunk and addict and completely devaluing me. My daughter is getting married in November and I'm trying to stay positive for her ( she moved out in June, couldn't take him anymore) but feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. Seeing a therapist and today a psychiatrist because I am such a wreck. Our last couples therapy session ( we have been through 3, he doesn't like any of them) he started to berate me again because he's very angry he finally put everything in storage. I snapped and said I wanted a divorce. We went to a food tasting for the wedding and in the car started to argue with me and grabbed at my cellphone thinking I was recording him and began swerving in and out of lanes. I am now avoiding him completely and said we cannot speak unless there is a third party there ( waiting for his therapist to come back from vacation). I'm sick to my stomach. I really do love him but can't take much more. Our finances are a disaster and cannot leave so basically hiding in my daughters room. He took almost all of our savings and hid it so I began re routing my direct deposit to another bank and he is very upset. I'm too tired to write anymore. He sees an anger management therapist and takes lexipro, cymbalta, Wellbutrin, Xanax, clone pin, and temazapam. So you see, he has tried to go for help but his symptoms are all BPD.

Thanks

Hi Beacher and welcome to BPD family. 

I am sorry you are going through that, that sounds really difficult. I too have a 15 year old daughter.

I have read that medication is not really effective for BPD, the best treatment is a form of therapy called dbt.

I hope that you are able to identify with some of the stories you read here. Thank you for posting and sharing your story with us. 

Thank you for your reply.

Yes the meds do nothing, I have to focus on its his personality and he needs DBT. He refuses to believe he is the problem and it is I who need help. Since my last post I am now on lexapro because I just can't seem to function, massive depression. 1 month to go until wedding. Would like to wait until after to attempt to reason with him but he seems bent on forcing my hand and filing for divorce. Allegedly we are so poor but he hired a lawyer for a $5000 retainer fee. He wants to be the one to " win" and file first. And I'm sure in the process ruin the joy of this wedding since he is so unhappy. I try to tell myself it's a sickness but it's hard. He flip flops everyday, just brought up my mail for me and made an appointment for my car. Yet refuses to give me our password for Verizon so he can control everything. Just found out he put a tracker on my phone. Installed cameras in the house and told me it was for our elderly sick cats. I do not even confront him with his lies anymore since it just enrages him. I could go on and on but just too tired. Thanks again for reaching out.

You are welcome Beacher and that is really hard. You can focus on getting better yourself. I would encourage you to read all you can on BPD. Since you are staying in your relationship there are wonderful workshops to the right side you can read through to get help. If you see a topic that interests you and the thread is more then 90 days old you can start a new thread on that topic. I find it really helpful to work through the readings dealing with the issues I am facing.

Thanks and I will! I hope to stay in this marriage but get the same responses from my Drs- it is unlikely he will change and you must decide if you want to be happy.  I'll keep reading

Yes please do and post as you see fit. I too am struggling with my r/s so I'm sure we'll see a lot of each other on the boards! My next topic to tackle is radical acceptance. What topic do you think you'll be looking at?

Hello Beacher,

I'd like to join unicorn14 in welcoming you to the family.

I see a lot of controlling behaviors here, and the grabbing you as well as his road rage incident are concerning. Though it sounds like you are trying your best to avoid each other, do you feel safe? We have an article which can help you take inventory and formulate a plan. Take a look.

Safety First (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf)

Keep updating and letting us know how you are doing, Beacher.

Turkish