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So, after a few days of mixed feelings I feel back in the saddle again.

I think that I am beginning to understand that in the type of relationship that I want with my uBPDex, I have to accept my role as emotional caretaker. I have to 'be the adult' in most cases, so to speak. When I maintain this point of view I feel very grounded and in control of myself. Sometimes, I forget, but I think that I'm making progress. In short, when I am in command of myself, she gains a sense of comfort. Maybe this is the mirror coming back up again. Either way, she re-inherits the 'good' traits and behaviors that she doesn't exhibit when she is deregulated.

Right now, I'm working on a de facto list of emergency grounding techniques for when I really start to go off into wonderland. These things help get me back into the emotional caretaker mindset. They allow me to embrace the position a little bit more fully, and ease any peripheral anxiety that I experience.

So far, the most effective has been listening to music that enjoy. I don't know why it works so well, but the success rate is pretty close to 100%. Nothing else seems to free me from the FOG as well.

But I want to expand this list. More would be better. So I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions. What do you guys do to stay grounded?

If by "staying grounded" you mean reducing reactivity to others through taking care of ourselves, then for me I know I need to enjoy my exercise, get enough sleep, as well as wisely divvy up enough energy into my hobbies as well as work. Maybe it's a cop out to say this, but basically I try to live the life I want to live that is in line with my values and goals.

If you're talking about coping strategies when in emotional turmoil, then there are a whole host of different suggestions, all of which work differently for different people. I am definitely one to go out and exercise to cope. While normally I dislike driving, blasting music while driving my car is a good one for me too. Also, just hanging out and talking with very good trusted friends, people who won't hold back the truth to avoid hard feelings but at the same time aren't judgemental.

Personally, I am okay with being friends with my ex, but I am not going to be an emotional caretaker. Her problems are hers not mine, and while I can be compassionate, I am not going to go further beyond the normal caring and validation I give all my friends.

Hey valet-

Getting and staying grounded is a big deal for me, something I work on a lot.  That has nothing to do with my ex, the only way to stay grounded with her was to remove her from my life entirely, and I was looking for a life partner anyway, not a child to babysit.  The things that work for me to stay grounded include:

Get some exercise every day, but not too much

Eat clean, light food and stay hydrated

Get enough sleep, but not too much

Go light on the booze and caffeine

Breathing deeply into our chest and gut, and focusing on it, brings us back to the present immediately, important for me because I think too much and too fast sometimes, mostly when I'm working.

Meditating, and planning time specifically to meditate

Spend the first half hour or hour in the morning focusing on gratitude, goals, values, and the plan for the day.

Remove disempowering people from our lives and add empowering ones

Take care of our home and make it a base and a safe place to recharge and get centered

Manage stress effectively

Seems like a lot, but by working on one or a few consciously they become habits, and then work on some more.

I suppose that it really just is 'reducing reactivity to others through taking care of ourselves'. I like that definition a little bit more. It demystifies the idea and makes it seem more achievable for me.

Emotional caretaker in the sense that we have a higher level of executive functioning that we need to realize and exercise. I see your point with the word selection, though! I suppose that's another idea that can help me stay grounded.


The stuff at the beginning of the day... .I need to try. I've found that if I don't get off to a good, productive start my days kind of wither and I can end up feeling pretty anxious. When I get some stuff done early, though, the momentum swings through and I don't feel so bored when its actually time to relax.

Maybe I'll go for a run tomorrow morning. I haven't done that in a while.

And perhaps, maybe a break from the boards here is in line. Lately, I feel like I'm spending too much time reading and posting and not enough time living my life.

Hi valet,


I can understand accepting our role as emotional caretaker in the r/s. It helped me understand what role I played in my marriage,my behaviors in prior r/s' and what I want to change like emotional intimacy, boundaries, reciprocity. I can now really appreciate, sympathy, empathy from a woman.

Correct me if I'm wrong, I read this as two parts, accepting our role as emotional caretaker and do you mean becoming more aware of our behaviors and the behaviors of people in general?

In terms of reducing my own reactivity... .

Sounds pretty much what you are doing... .

The biggest help has been to assign myself the role of the "observer" and during all interactions, I kind of am observing things and responding from the vantage point of an observer... .without actually being "inside" things.. This not only serves to maintain a nice distance from being reactive, it helps me to really process what is going on and it slows me down as I am being more curious about the whole cause/effect part of the dynamic, rather that my own emotional reactions.