BPDFamily.com

Hi there,  I've been on this Staying thread for quite some time.

I've been on the receiving end of ST for better part of one month. We are married, live in the same house, he sleeps in another bedroom and has for over a month. He does not answer my calls or texts. He does not initiate calls, texts, or conversation. He went grocery shopping yesterday... .for items he wants to eat. If I ask him a direct question, he will answer it, no more no less. He will not give me the phone number to his workplace, nor his supervisors name, to put into my HR file at work to call if I have an emergency. It is as if I could walk out of the house and never return and he would think nothing of it.

I remind myself he is dysregulating, that he has a mental health condition, and I don't even mind the alone time - I get much done. And I'm no stranger to the ST, but this has gone on longer than usual. I know they fear abandonment, but I wonder if he's trying to make me leave? How do you know when they are just STing versus wanting you to leave?

By Leaving, this is a passive aggressive form of emotional abuse. They do not always want what they think they want. To call their bluff and show them the real consequences of their actions can be often be necessary.

You can't make him act differently, only circumstances can do that. Circumstances wont change unless you change your circumstance.

Leaving need not be permanent, but it needs to be a choice that you have, and you need to demonstrate that you have a choice as to what you will be exposed to.

I will not subject myself to being treated as a non entity This is an important boundary

I hear you on wanting to know what's going on, but I don't think we can know. My guess is that he doesn't know what he truly wants either. He's just overwhelmed by the shame and fear that your relationship triggers for him.

He might think he never wants to be with you again, but if that was really what he wanted, it'd be easy enough to leave himself or make you leave.

I can't tell if you're bothered by the ST itself, as opposed to the uncertainty about his motivations. But I know that for me it really hurts to be living in the same house with someone who barely acknowledges my existence. If it bothers you, you should figure out a place to go and leave until he's ready to act like your husband again.

When my partner went through a period of extreme dysregulation, she moved out (apartment is in my name only) and we had a rule that if she was too overwhelmed to connect with me, she couldn't come over / had to leave. Then we'd just do phone calls and little coffee dates until I could sense that she was back under control. It worked really well and made me feel such relief and peace to know that I didn't have to be under the same roof with her when she was out of control.