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I'm unsure how I should be handling things now that ST has been broken and he's painting me white. How should I respond? Should I be reaching out to him even in general about things like my research project (he's agreed to help with) and his job search? I don't want to give "too much too fast." Up to this point I've mostly been letting him initiate, but I did things like send him funny posts on Facebook once or twice.

Any thoughts on how I should handle this? He's feeling sensitive toward me and I wonder if I don't reach out to him, if that will create greater feelings of abandonment? Just not sure how quickly we can slip back to "normal."

Hi ptilda,

I would communicate but be clear about boundaries=limits for us. Involving him in some stuff but not too intimate, too frequent and relying on him (which gives him power).


Is that what you truly want? Is that what he can handle? How would a sustainable normal look like?

 

So... .the general advice is to stick to the middle... .let him swing from black... to white... .to a little black... to a little white (his view of you)

White feels great... but don't "go for it"... .when you are white... .

He may eventually feel smoothered.

Keep him talking... .validate what you can... .

The goal is that he start talking and feels safe.

He will most likely push it... say something weird... .and if you are ok... then he will relax.

Many times pwBPD know (deep down) they are all over the place... .they need or want a partner that is strong... .sometimes the dysregs are "tests" to see if they are with someone strong

These are all generalities... .hang in there... .and stick to the center... .stick to your values... .

FF

Thanks for the input, friends.

He's already making huge fluctuations back and forth. Saying "don't talk to me anymore" then sending blank messages or nonsense. I'm just letting it roll over.

Suddenly friends and family (his) are seeking me out and telling me they believe I'm on the right track. This gives limited reassurance. But we'll see how this goes. I keep sticking to the "not more than half" vague response and that seems to help move him forward in this. He tries to argue with it, but when I don't engage, he starts to internalized and make favorable changes towards taking responsibility (saying he knows he's not perfect is pretty significant).

Well keep moving one foot in front of the other!

 

You are retraining your "emotional response muscle"... .(think about muscle memory!)

Letting these comments just sit there is critical... .remember... he will most likely try to up the ante to get you to engage...

Find healthy ways to engage... when he speaks "properly"... make sure and "be present" for him...

I think you are on right track! |iiii

FF

Must be working because after less than 24 hours ago saying he won't help me and I said, "maybe you're right" and left it at that, he did what he was going to do (and not a small task. I thanked him generously and graciously and he responded by vowing he will help me whenever I need it and he is able . . . but I won't be counting on that.

Now to figure how to get this audio file he made for me, in my hands . . .

ptilda, a question for you:

Have you ever had your pwBPD go silent/give you the ST, to suddenly come out of it one day, and then the cycle start all over again right afterwards?

This is what happened with me. She came out of ST, said she misses me very much, looked forward to catching up after what she wasn't proud to have missed over that stretch of time, told me that she realizes she's terrible and feels bad about the silence, etc.

But, after all of that, she goes completely silent again, as if there was nothing to it. Testing me? Seeing how strong my boundaries are or aren't? I believe she's genuine when she tells me these things, but I shouldn't expect anything different at this point!

Has this ever happened with you?

You're in ST for a while. Suddenly, one day, you're not in ST anymore. Then, that one day of reaching out or not being in ST, turns right back into the silent cycle.

What say you?

As a side note:

I read a comment the other day on another board about how some pwBPD, when they give out the ST, they’re actually WANTING their Non to get on their level and lash out, ask, beg, chase, or whatever. Obviously this isn’t always the case, but in this particular individual’s case that I was reading about, it was the case; the giving of ST because they WANT the attention, they want the control. Once she (the Non) started mirroring her pwBPD's silence without lashing out, or asking questions, apologizing repetitively, etc., etc., he would break the silence much sooner than if she was ‘getting on his level’ per se.

Very interesting... .

I learned about BPD quite late, after H had already left and started looking for a divorce lawyer. But there certainly were times of erratic behavior like you describe. He didn't become totally dis-regulated until the past 6 or 7 months, so it was never this extreme before. He would hang up on me in the middle of a phone conversation and I "took the bait" calling him over and over only for him to ignore me until he deemed I had "learned my lesson" then would pick up as if nothing happened and it would happen again maybe days later, maybe months.

It certainly seems to be the case the BPs expect us to react in kind. In fact, I think that's partially what drove my husband to such desperate actions. He wasn't getting a reaction from me, so he had to try to force one.

Now, we're talking. He can flip at any time and start talking about all the horrible things I did, but I either ignore or affirm his feelings (not his fantasies). It's a long process and I'm feeling overwhelmed by it at times. I keep thinking I'll never be able to have a normal life without fear that my husband will sabotage me to force me to react how he wants. I know we can work through this, but fears abound.