BPDFamily.com

It's only been a few days since my relationship ended (details here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=281089.0), but besides having a hard time grieving and bursting out and crying at random times... .I'm trying to understand why I stuck with this person for so long despite all the warning signs.

We started an emotional relationship while we were both still married... .which turned physical and eventually we left our marriages.  I did try to work on my 17 year marriage (hers was only a year long and seemed doomed anyway) and detach from her... .but it was IMPOSSIBLE to detach for me.

So I got divorced, and made plans with her... .I was committed 110% to making it work, and I thought she was too.  She moved across the country and left her old life behind entirely... .how could she not be totally committed? 

I tried calling it off with her several times before she moved here, to work on things with my now ex-wife, but I would always go back... .

When she came here, she was extremely needy, and I tried my damnedest to be everything to her and for her... .but she began to split me off an on... .I read the books, I got a therapist... .I blamed myself, I blamed her. I was once a very confident person, and I was suddenly always doubting myself and my worth.  She would never listen to my feelings without telling me hers were more important by the way she acted... .she would never have compassion for the relationship and what we were trying to build... .it was always about trying to keep her distracted with trips and things from being depressed or complaining or fighting.

So here's what I have identified as the main reasons I think I put up with it all:

1. Though not entirely, I did end up leaving my marriage for her.  I did try to make my marriage work, but I could not detach myself enough to really make that happen.  My now ex-wife had had enough, and I don't blame her.  Up until meeting my exBPD, I had ZERO real thoughts of an affair throughout my entire relationship.  So I think I stayed partly because I wanted to prove the world wrong that what I did was a mistake, that she was the one for me, that we were perfect together, despite the way we were admonished by our peers and families.

2. I am too reliant on physical beauty. I've always been this way, and I have tested fairly high on sex addict tests.  My now ex-wife is pretty and a great person... .but my ex BPD is a sex goddess... .an easy 10, athletic, etc... .basically besides the BPD qualities, my dream woman.  I guess in the end I couldn't pass that up... .and that may seem shallow and maybe it is, but she would walk round the house in a thong all the time, and it would drive me insane... .we would have sex 3-5x per day, at least until the splitting began... .and she was adventurous in bed, all those things most guys dream about. You'd think a guy married 17 years would know you can't base a relationship on this, but I thought she loved me as much as I loved her as well, and now I know that's not the case.

3. She worked for me, and we worked amazingly well together. People would always say we looked great together, thought we were married, etc. when we went on business trips.  We had that chemistry that is hard to find... .it was obvious to people we just met. We had begun work on a new business venture together, and that was something I never got from my ex-wife... .professional and intellectual stimulation... .again this BPD was my dream woman in every way.  I didn't want to lose that either, and we were so integrated with that. 

4. We were building a house in the new area I brought her to.  She picked everything out... .I mean who gets so far into a relationship to do these things... .even after she started splitting me and I knew about the BPD... .she would go to these meetings and talk about it like we would always be together... .She had me so confused, but gave me just enough to think she would get past this soon, and we'd be happy.

Well that's what I can gather... .but I'm trying to not fall into this trap again... .and maybe I won't because I recognize the BPD signs now... .The key for me should have been to get out after a few months before her hooks were into me... .I know better now... .

Any thoughts or ideas on how to heal and move forward?  Maybe I've made the worst mistake of my life by ending my marriage and trying to make this work... .but if I was willing to do that, maybe my ex-wife deserved better at this point in our relationship.

Poedameron,

I think all those guesses are totally logical, but on a more underlying note, you stayed because it mattered so much to you. It is really incredible how much we will endure if we think it is helping our partner or preserving the relationship. That is certainly why i stayed in my relationship despite the fact that my anxiety was so bad i lost ten pounds. All i cam say is don't beat yourself up, the last thing you need is to make yourself an enemy. Trust me i know it's hard, im like a month out and i still randomly cry and occasionally blame myself. Hang in there bud and make sure you keep posting, it really does help.

Best wishes,

SG