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My ex ended the r/s (again) and then emails me several days later saying she misses me. I haven't responded yet as I dont know what it means... .any advice?

What are you hoping for? to reconnect or to disconnect?




How did your week of n/c go?

Hmmmm save yourself and maintain nc what it means is she is just checking to see if you are still there at her disposal, be strong try not to do that same old dance. She knows you better than you do.  :)

My heart is wanting things to work out. The rest of me is hurt, lonely, angry. I miss her  so much. My week of NC has been the hardest week of my life.

You may be right, there was no mention of how I am, just that SHE was missing me  :'(

Thanks Eye, I thought she might try to contact me again as this was a few days ago, but I've heard nothing. I feel so crushed that she can just cast me aside so easily

That's how I got roped back in the last time, the "I do miss you" line. I was pacing back and forth trying to figure out what to do, "should I respond?"

I went back to her and it was more of the same insanity. But at that point I had started to do my internal work and began to realize how I was contributing to the dysfunction in the relationship. Every time I Cosigned her crazy thinking, everytime I failed to say no, everytime I gave into her demands and failed to assert my boundaries I was painfully aware of it. But I tried hard to stand up for myself. It seemed to be working for a bit. I was feeling empowered. But then when she busted one of my boundaries super hard, I simply could no longer stand it. I had to walk away. Then I thought, "hey, maybe I should give it one more go and put a treatment ultimatum out there, either she gets into some serious therapy, or I'm gone." I decided against this option.

This nc time is really an opportunity for you to look at yourself and objectively evaluate the relationship. I had to ask myself, am I willing to do the work to maintain this relationship. I came to the conclusion that I am not. You, on the other hand, may decide to give it another go. I think that if you do, though, setting up those boundaries is essential, putting into practice all the techniques that are available for us Nons in relationships with pwBPD. It's like they say, before things can get better, you have to stop making things worse. Unfortunately with people with pwBPD, I think it is not always obvious how we contribute to the dysfunction. To me, putting forth all the effort to learn the techniques did not seem worth it. I have to keep reminding myself of that when I miss her.

Good luck to you loosestrife.

Pm me whenever you need to.

Btw. I'm iust chilling today. In the sauna at the gym at the moment.  

Thanks Darsha. I am willing to put the effort in, but she keeps ending it every time she can't control her emtions or my responses. I keep messing up (I.e saying the wrong thing), or even if I don't she plucks up something from the past where inappreantly messed up.

Very well put and so true, every word of it. The nc works to perfection I plan on keeping my ex block eternally even tho I feel very strong about myself and the work I am doing to prevent any distraction by my ex. Learning to make strong boundaries is so critical right now in moving forward and feeling oneself again, I refuse to be a party to enabling selfish behavior and I will keep my line clearly drawn to protect me from the depths of darkness and emptiness. Be well everyone 

Yes she did now heed that, the fact you can be discarded at her whim and then after doing that expect you to jump just because she misses you. I am so sorry for your pain but it is a wake up call too for you to love yourself more, hang in there and have a good support system in place.

I was crushed too but also knew I was feeling mentally, emotionally and physically sick. Is that love?

That is problematic, and I think the risk we run when we assert ourselves. We run the risk that the self which we assert will not be met with love, acceptance, and respect. But to compromise our boundaries, to allow them to be permeable, is essentially giving up our selves - or at least pieces of ourselves. So its very unfortunate that when you do assert yourself you are not met with the kind of respect and mirroring that you need to feel secure.

Another question I've had to ask myself: "is this person really capable of meeting my needs?"

Just some more thoughts.  

No one here should *tell* you what you should do.

But I agree... .what is it that you would like to see happen? Are you better off without the person?

Are you in a good place to attempt a conversation?

But to actually tell you which way YOU should go... I think no one has that right.

No one here should exercise that power over someone.

My .02

The feelings are worse going separated

No, they are not. I think I reduced my needs down do much because of this. And occasionally I would assert myself, and then I would be the bad person. She is a waif

Thanks Johnny, I know I want To go back, bug it's always me initiating the reconciliation. I think she is moving on properly this time, so I'm going to try and preserve my dignity and not look desperate even though I am

I feel ya, and while i would probably have a hard time not responding to my ex, i gotta join the choir of "stand your ground with NC". It's easier to make rational judgements when you are on the outside.

Hey Loosestrife,

I know that feeling of "This pain of separation hurts worse than the pain caused by the relationship."

I was trying to think of an analogy for this and heres what I came up with. Its like braking a bone, right, maybe it hurts but you kind of get use to it. But then when the Dr. has to reset the bone, it hurts like hell, but you've gotta reset the bone and endure that initial pain if you want it to heal properly.

Thanks guys 

You are doing very well.  Keep it up and you will get stronger day by day.  She will still reach out in future.  But you must now focus on getting yourself in a better place.  Shift the focus on you making the decisions and not her.

You're reading things into her message. Perhaps she just wanted to know if you missed her too. Shame can imprison a person. Keep them from reaching out... fearing even More shame if there is rejection.

Just my .02

You have to ask YOURSELF... .what do you want to do... .because its YOU that will have to live with the result