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So last night I posted the song "Say something (I'm giving up on you) on Google+. Today I received  weird text messages  from random numbers. The person refused to identify themselves but was trying to converse with me.  Later  I received a missed call from the same number and more texts from another random number. My Google + page also went from 34 to 718 views. My phone number is not listed on there and the page is under my dog's name.  Only one follower (with no friends) no one else but my ex would connect the name to me. I am not very tech savvy and to be honest thought my stuff was private (it was not)   Could the contact be from my ex or is this just a weird coincidence? This kind of weird contact happened before 2 months ago  (but then stopped after I told a mutual friend I missed him)  

Any thoughts?

Going from a sliver of hope to no hope at all is a huge leap, and a painful one, but if detachment is the goal there is no other choice.

Hi Beach_Beach,

What do your instincts tell you?

His friend also has been calling me (from his own number) and hanging up. I'm not sure if having false hope is bad. In 4 months I have never once broken NC. I think it underscores the need for me to contact him (when I am in the right mind space to handle a no/bad answer) for my own peace of mind and closure. Killing the hope is exactly my objective. I know I dont have worth; no one could ever miss or desire reconnection with me. But its only been 4 months NC. Its not abnormal when weird stuff happens to experience a flicker of hope (after a 14 year relationship). What makes my experience different from others who write about this same sort of thing? When it comes to stuff like this I assure you I am about as negative as they come. It is my own lack of esteem or worth that keeps me from reaching out.

Hi Beach_Beach,

I think that we can get taken advantage of by people that feel terrible about themselves because of our good nature and lovable qualities. I can tell that you're a good woman, often the best people get hurt the most.

We support each other and we're here to help everyone and pick each other up when we struggle.

So what if you took the energy you're using to wonder what he's up to and channel it towards improving your self-worth and self-esteem?  

What makes my situation different than the others here tho that report the same type of thing?  You can be honest. It is helpful in my healing. I value everyone's opinion. It's more an objective question

beach_babe,  

with all due respect, and gently, this is very distorted thinking. this is something that has been taught to you; not all teachings are right, some can be dangerously wrong. with your background, i can understand how these sorts of thoughts can be ingrained and internalized and conditioned over time, and i really feel for you. i want you to know that of course you have worth, because of course, everyone does. you have been surrounded by, and treated badly by, mentally ill people, who have taught you this, but they do not define your worth. you are a perfectly likeable person with plenty of worth. you have helped others here on this board, and that speaks to your worth, im sure there is far more evidence than that. we would not be expressing this otherwise, beach_babe. we are really rooting for you, i know i am.

as to your original question: i was cyberstalked. my ex invaded the email attached to my facebook, left messages marked as read, and continued to do it for months. as mutt asked you, what do your instincts tell you?

I don't see your situation as being any different Beach, you're just stuck, we've all been there.  Do you consider yourself stuck?

I find it incredible how they all seem to follow the same play book. The cyber and electronic stalking seem to be a common theme that I have observed from many folks on the forum and otherwise. And why not? I don't really buy that BPD's simply detach and give their former partner no more thought than the tissue that they just threw in the trash. Its clear that the inability to deal with their emotions drive them toward 'protecting' themselves, by all accounts its subconscious and nothing that they can conventionally control, prevent or regulate. After the fact, its easy to see how their impulses (BPD's are impulsive right?) drive them to do things out of curiosity or assuaging their own hurt and confusion (even though YOU were the cause and they are the 'victim'. This board is rife with stories of drive by's, silent calls, cyber stalking, email hacking, etc. etc. I really don't think that you are assigning false hope or that it is your imagination getting the best of you. I am sure that they hurt as well and this is their disordered thinking doing what disordered thinking does.

Boris: that's some interesting information. How long did you personally remain stuck at that stage? What brought you out of it?

Fromheeltoheel:   I agree with you in this instance that hope kills. I am trying to work on this with a therapist. I definately think I'm stuck.

OnceRemoved: no offense taken, I appreciate your perspective. I was responding to a poster who asked if I thought I was engaging in magical thinking to think the contact was from my ex. Sure I'd love to think that but deep down I think I know my ex would see no value in contacting me. Perhaps that is still true I do not know.

Mutt: whoever texted me asked some pretty personal questions a random person would not know so no I don't believe the contact is random. My gut tells me it is an ex mutual friend who acted as an instigator during the relationship. A psychopath who continues to make random contact from time to time simply because he "enjoys the drama." This person has also admitted to hacking into my email accounts. Whether or not my ex is actually involved I do not know. Quite possible not.  So that might possibly just leave me with psycho which is both depressing and creepy.

Mine would return if he had a use for me again. I'm not sure that's the case right now (and why I hesitate on making contact). I'm not sure he has shame, only it seems for those that dumped him first. I think making contact at some point (when I can handle a bad/no answer) would be for ME. So I can move on (and as some have wisely mentioned) stop clinging to what may (or may not be) false hope.

Have any dumpees attempted this? If so how and what was the response? 

Hi Beach_Babe,

I can see how that would be depressing and creepy. I'm sorry I don't know the back story with the ex mutual friend. Was this person your friend or his friend?

It sounds emotionally immature and disturbing with these random contacts,  what's their motivation?

What did this person instigate in your r/s?

Beach_Babe, I know stuff like this can be crazy-making and creepy.  

To answer your question, my exBPDbf cyberstalks me as well as most of his exes. I don't use much social media (no facebook, twitter, etc.), but I know that he keeps tabs on what little I do have out there under my name.

It is jarring and uncomfortable when you realize or suspect it's being done. It feels icky. It doesn't bother me much anymore to know my ex does it, but it did in the past. I'd imagine it was especially jarring for you because you thought your stuff was private. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, and with the disturbing random contacts.  


:light:  :light:  :light:


^ This.  

I know it's hard. Believe me. I had serious self-worth and self-esteem issues. I've made a lot of progress, and have much more to go, and I promise you - it is so worth the time, work, and occasional pain. Turn your kindness, love, and compassion towards yourself. You are important and you are worthwhile.  

Mutt: the ex friend was a friend of his he introduced me to. We became friends as he traveled for business often to my area and he included me (without ex, who declined but was also invited) to several social functions. Ex became jealous and ordered me to stop. This man is gay and in a committed relationship with a boyfriend. I made the mistake of confiding in the mutual friend about what was going on; unbeknownst to me he began to act as an intermediary between us. He spread (sometimes false) information (such as telling my ex I was talking $hit about him... .when in reality I was crying) and trying to force him to talk to me. Ex considered this a betrayal but blamed me (because this man is painted white and up high on a pedestal). Mutual friend I believe was instrumental in the breakup and continues to "drop in" with unwanted and sporadic contact from time to time. I have since blocked him but it still happens. I fear this is him and not my ex which is very depressing. My ex smeared me to this friend and told him he would never see or talk to me again and also I sold drugs.

Happy: thank you so much for those kind words. How are you today? ♡♡♡

the ex friend was a friend of his he introduced me to. We became friends as he traveled for business often to my area and he included me (without ex, who declined but was also invited) to several social functions. Ex became jealous and ordered me to stop. This man is gay and in a committed relationship with a boyfriend. I made the mistake of confiding in the mutual friend about what was going on; unbeknownst to me he began to act as an intermediary between us.  and trying to force him to talk to me.

----So is the friend trying to force your ex to talk to you?  But you also feel this friend was instrumental in the breakup?  Do u mean he wanted you to break up but now he wants you to go back to the ex?

No the friend is a psychopath who just enjoyed creating drama. He pretended to be on my side and said he wanted us to talk... .at the end, however he licked his chops at breaking us apart. It seemed to be a point of pride he made my ex discard (rather than merely devalue as he had been all year) me completely. My ex thinks he's gold (and I am satan). This was April. Not sure if situation is still the same. I have been afraid to reach back out to ex.

Hey how are you doing shatra? I read your staying board posts. Pretty rough breakup there *hugs*

Hi beach babe

im wondering what your motivation was in posting this particular song? Where you wanting to reach out to him and poke the bear?

If so its perfectly understandable. I have also been tempted to post things that I know would trigger my exs. 

What I see is your self worth is very low. By putting less value on how you think your ex feels about you and concentrating on your positive points you will begin to feel better about whi you are. Taking on a project worked for me.  Its been a slow process and every now and again I fall back into being concerned about how my exs view me. It is fleeting though as i realise their opinion doesnt matter.

I created the page as my own space to reflect. I really liked the song. The other stuff may have been coincidential I dont know. I was, however,  really shocked to see 718 (now 1125) page views. I honestly didn't think my ex would ever look given how brutally I was discarded (did I hope for it? Sure. But I know better he doesn't care. He wished me dead from a hospital bed so I figured I was safe. He had a great new job and monster sized gf... .all he wanted at the end was me gone) why would he care or look? Maybe he doesn't and it's his sick friend.

Is it possible to get this many views randomly on Google +? Why if it is them can't they just talk to you? Everything is such a mindscrew. I miss mine but how could he miss me? He'd have to hit bottom and hard. Not exactly a compliment.

A project sounds like a great idea though! What kind did you embark on?

Hi beach

I did loads of little ones. Everything from sorting out my paperwork to cooking and trying to master new dishes. I also learnt to scuba dive. I found reorganising made me feel less disorganised emotionally. I found cooking showed I wasnt useless at everything. I found diving showed I could follows my dreams and do something just for me.

I once read about Terry Waite who was held hostage in the Lebanon. He planned a sailing trip in minute detail. Everything from the route, the boat, provisions, clothing etc etc. He said it was what kept him sane. Sometimes we need that kind of distraction for our own sanity.

lol. Yep, the organizing. My house right now is pristine!  Id like to try cooking though... .am an awful one. You took a class I take it?  What kinds of dishes did you learn? 

Hi BeachBabe,

Boy, you sure sound a lot like I did not too long ago. I would imagine (from my own experience with BPDex) that he is behind a lot of your Google views. I have a strong suspicion that my ex continues to "creep" my Facebook page from time to time. I also continue to get phone calls to my house that show as "Private Name Private Number". I've been told that this is where someone has intentionally blocked their number so that it won't show on Caller ID. These calls come in on the ex's days off and / or when he would normally be on break at work.

This upcoming October 2nd will mark three years since I was discarded. It's taken a loonnnggg time for me to heal. I suffered from self-esteem issues after I was dumped, considering the person I was dumped for.

My personal opinion is that a lot of our exes will continue to keep tabs on us. Why? I can't really say. Maybe they view us as their property? Maybe the shame of their actions towards us keeps them from reaching out? I can tell you that my ex reacts to things I post on Facebook in very peculiar ways. We have a mutual friend that knows what happened between the ex and I. This friend checks out the ex's FB page on a regular basis. Says that he can't keep his eyes off the train wreck! LOL!  BTW - I don't post anything intentionally aimed at the ex. If something he sees bothers him - well, that's his fault for snooping.

A couple of examples - we recently had a very rainy weekend where I live. So I posted something about how rainy weather was for snuggling, watching movies and making out (I'm now involved with someone). This was on a Sunday morning. The ex had a habit of "creeping" my FB page very late on Sunday nights. Our mutual friend knows that and wondered if there would be a reaction. Over the time since I was discarded - the ex has reacted very strongly to any mention of my involvement with anyone. Usually he'll "act out" by dumping a bunch of people from his Friends list and posting a bunch of "inspirational" quotes. Well - true to form - he "acted out". According to my friend - he once again dumped a bunch of folks and put up a bunch of quotes. So odd. The other example is more recent. I won't go into a lot of detail (boring) except that a conversation took place on FB about the ex. I have NEVER done this before. But after all this time - I just don't care what the ex sees or thinks. I basically stated that the ex was evil and cruel. There was more - but that was the main part. Well - mutual friend said that I must have struck a nerve. The ex went quiet for almost a week after that. Went from posting 24 / 7 to zero. Then when he did resurface - it was with a quote that said something like "A tongue has no bones but is strong enough to break a heart. Be careful with your words."  Oh, snap! Guess perhaps I did hit a nerve. Too bad.

I wish I could give you answers as to why they do what they do. I've spent a long time trying to figure it out. What I finally realized is that there are no answers when it comes to this disorder. I just know that I'm better off without him in my world. He'll probably continue to snoop, as will your ex. It's an attachment disorder, remember? As to why they can't just reach out and be civil? That's the $64,000.00 question.

Take care of you!   

Snap is right! Mine blocked, then got all our mutual friends to dump me. I believe he told everyone I raped and abused him. Oh, and was also a whore and drug dealer. Lol. I found it weird I got text messages from all those weird numbers the day after. All refusing to identify themselves but trying to have a conversation with me. Then 2 hang up calls. Today I have 400 more page views. At first it was flattering and made me hopeful, now it's just creepy. Does your ex still snoop. Lipstick or have you made everything private?

Beachbabe wrote

My ex thinks the mutual friend is gold (and I am satan). This was April. Not sure if situation is still the same. I have been afraid to reach back out to ex.

-----Sounds like the ex is splitting. I am dealing with this too and feel upset over it.  Why are you afraid to reach out to your ex? It definitely sounds like he is all over your google page

Hi Beach Babe,

Acting on the advice of several members on this forum - I made my page mostly private. Some things I allow to be public as long as they're not anything related to family or my relationship. I'll post pictures of places I've been to and let those go public. Stuff like that. I will admit - there is a part of me that likes to rub it in his face that my life is better than his. He destroyed me and left me with nothing - so to show him I've come back from that and am doing just fine is my "payback", if you will. Is that juvenile? Probably. Do I care? Nope.

I would guess that all of those text messages were from your ex and / or his cohorts. My ex put his one friend up to that about two years ago. Texting me and not identifying himself. I blocked him immediately.

I get what you're saying about being flattered and now finding it creepy. My ex was watching several of my personal Facebook videos for a while before I made them private. I won't go into details on how I know it was him. But it was. Does my ex still snoop? I would imagine yes, on occasion. When he thinks of me. Which probably isn't often. Let me explain how he has tumbled further down the "rabbit hole". Last summer he reacted VERY strongly to something that I posted. Then he turned his FB page into a "His & Hers" shared page with his spouse. This was back when I was still snooping on his FB page. He put up a "married" status - put up the date he got married - and added her name to his. This was done to intentionally hurt me. Intentionally. This is what is so fundamentally WRONG with these people. I did nothing to this man except love him unconditionally. He made a lot of promises to me that turned out to be nothing but lies. Then discarded me and turned on the Silent Treatment. Then continued to find ways to hurt me. And these days? Well, he is now religious. And also believes that his life, marriage, family is beyond amazing and perfect. At least  - that is what he wants his FB fans to believe.

The truth is that at 52 years old - he's washed up. Both physically and mentally. Since 2012 he has had six full-time jobs and one part-time for extra income. He and his spouse are both alcoholics. She is violent and prone to rages (also BPD). My aunt saw him about two months ago. He was walking into a store as she was going out. She said that he didn't see her - but my guess is that he did and was intentionally avoiding eye contact. Aunt said he was "hobbling along like an old man and kind of stooped over". Said it made her jaw drop and she couldn't stop staring. Said he "looked like he was a hundred years old". However - you wouldn't guess ANY of this by what he puts up on FB. He maintains a facade of happiness and bliss. He is a master at keeping up a false front.

My message to you is this - be glad that you're out!  I know it sucks to be "split black" and to feel confused & devastated by their behavior. Your ex will probably contact you again in the future. Took mine over a year after he discarded me. And that was after trying to get my attention on FB for over seven months!  Apparently, it was impossible for him to simply send me a message apologizing for what he'd done. And now - if he has any regrets over his behaviors (which I doubt) - I'm sure he understands on some level that too much damage has been done. And here is the even crazier thing - if he were to reach out and contact me, and I told him that I hated him (which I don't), it would devastate him. See? It's okay for them to dish out cruelty - but if we enforce boundaries - we're big meanies.

Don't be flattered by the Google views. Be annoyed by the cowardice. And be glad that he's no longer in your world. You won't believe me right now - but eventually you will become bored with the antics and it will no longer have an effect on you.  

Shatra: I'm afraid because he is so unpredictable. In April he threatened  the police if I contacted him again. He used to do this in the past (one time even because I ate his cheeseburger) but always came back around. This time he has not. 4 months now. I am afraid also because of the mutual friend who seems intent on him hating me. He is very influential. Also at the time I was dumped my ex was about to start a big powerful new job (with plenty of people reporting to him aka narcissistic supply).  He has a history of being unable to keep a job more than 6 months, however what if this time is different? What if I am wrong and the page views aren't him at all (but rather some technical aberration where my page got "linked" to someone else or something? Don't know. He is very narcissistic as well and has no shame. If he truly he bottom and "needed" me again, wouldn't he come forward? After all everything was my fault anyway. Don't know. Not even sure how to reach out (or what to say) even if I wanted to.

Lipstick: It's not juvenile at all. I only hope I can one day be as strong and empowered as you. Karma is a b/^&!  you go girl!  Are you sure your ex isn't npd comorbid? That's not a BPD thing is it, to enjoy hurting someone? Mine smiled with delight (I am told) after threatening the police on me from my hospital bed. He seemed satisfied I was crying. Pig. Yours seems just as cruel (and pathetic). The funny thing is, if he were simply to reach out and say "I'm sorry" I'd forgive him. Not date him again, mind you, but be his friend. Instead I get hang up calls, weird texts from random numbers and 1409 page views. Such a mindf****

Hi beach

I didnt take a class. When I saw something that I fancied trying I would find a recipe and have a go. Sometimes I would make the dish a few times unitil I got it right. Other recipes were experiments that either worked or failed terribly. I did get a basic cookbook that had everything from making scrambled eggs to choux pastry recipes. This was great as with everything in life you need to start at the basics and learn to walk before you can run. Its strange but food makes people honest. You can tell if someone really likes what you have cooked.

I now have a number of signature dishes from chicken in white wine to caramalised bananas. Nothing too fancy but certainly a lot more capable than I was.

Hi Beach_Babe,

I understand how concerning 1200 views would be, I have around 90,000 the last time I checked and I seldom use Google +. I wouldn't put much emphasis on the view counts. You recently created a page?  I created mine back when it was only by invitation.  Google + has roughly 600 thousand active users and Facebook has 1 billion active users. The views counter calculates back to 2012 how many profile views, posts, and photos. It's to emphasize activity on Google +.

Enlighten: ooh those dishes sound good! Whats the name of the cookbook.

Mutt: 90,000 views wow! Yeah see thats the thing. If i knew it was him id be more encouraged to reach out. But i dont. It could be, as you say, a technical thing with Google. The random contact most likely is that ex- mutual friend, but he has done many things against my ex's will before (including supposedly forcing him to get on a scale at 312 pounds... .wow what a  "friend" right?). There is really no evidence my ex is even involved. The ex friend seems intent on continuing the drama, making sure the ex still hates me and making sure I dont forget HIM. He seemed very pissed months ago being blocked. I just didnt feel I had a choice. I made the terrible mistake of comfiding in this psychopath. A price I might have to pay for life. I would have already tried reaching out to my ex had it not been for him. Because of him, and his outsized influence, however, I just remain afraid. Yep I blew it, and will probably have to live with that. It hurts me terribly to still get these reminders (if they arent from my ex). Why wont this other crazy #^&&  go away? Anyone know how do you get rid of a psychopath?

Hi beach

I doubt you will find the cookbook as it was discontinued years ago. Its also a British book so weights and measures would be different Caramalised bananas are nice and easy and quick.

Add butter to a pan and melt. Add soft brown and dissolve in butter. Add brandy and give a quick stir. Wait untill it starts to bubble and caramalise. Add bananas cut lengthways. Turn in caramel and serve with ice cream.

I recommend  just finding something you fancy and google the recipe and have a go.

Back to your thread. Social media is a haven for PDs. My ex s love fb. Their behaviour is a joke. Once it upset me now I think it is laughable.  I check fb once a day and dont pay much attention to my exs posts.

That sounds delicious, thank you for sharing that! ♡

How are you today?

Pretty good thanks. Considering my ex wife has set her solicitor on me as our sons no longer want anything to do with her and she thinks im stopping them from contacting her. And my exgf had a rant at me as ive had to cut my maintenance payments.

A while back it would have thrown me off balance and i would have been all over the place. Now though i think im not responsible for how they feel so as long as i keep my moral compass pointing in the right direction then im fine.

How are you doing? Got any projects planned yet?

Actually considering that cooking class. lol. I am absolutely horrible.


in other news, got another weird Skype request today. See and this is the thing, I don't want to wonder about stuff like this anymore. Why should I be "afraid" of making contact if it will ultimately give me peace of mind?  I remember one time he came back after over a year, like nothing had happened. Not happening again. If I try it would only be once (still not sure yet); if I am rebuffed, then that's it. But at least I can know I did everything I could, I tried (particularly if we have a coincidental run in and he goes ape***).

Then again, maybe not. I just don't know. But I am tired of being intimidated and afraid.

I know what you mean. I used to have sleepless nights before picking up my boys. I used to worry about what the exs would say or do. How I would look to them. Now I sleep like a baby. An odd turn of phrase as most babys wake three or four times a night screaming and quite often soiling themselves lol.

I think my turning point was realising their opinion didnt matter. The only weapons they had were to paint me black and smear me and to withold my children. I dont care about the smear campaign and they wont withold the children as two now live with me and the other needs her time without my other son so she can be fabulous lol.