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I'm doing much better and my thoughts have started to shift from missing him (I was fine before he came into my life and stayed two months) to picking apart my role in what went on. Our friends set us up and everyone was so excited because they said he needed a good woman in his life and that he was a good guy who always got hurt. I was excited too. Could this be the one, maybe? Good men are hard to come by and we had dynamite chemistry in person.

We literally only saw each other in person - after starting "talking" - twice. This began to bother me. After three years of being single and screening out a bunch of disordered men (all repeats of my mother, whom I suspect to have had BPD or ASPD) I was seriously happy just being me. I wasn't looking for a relationship at my friend's college graduation party. Life was good. And, then, I saw him... .and then, everyone wanted to set us up. All of it changed.

The only times we saw each other was at a Memorial Day party in which he came for the last two hours of before going back with me to our married friends' house. We all sat and drank and talked. Even my friend and his friend (her husband) talked about the chemistry we had. They were excited.

During this time, we were talking pretty much every day. I wanted to bad to go on a date and get to know him in person, one-on-one. Everything I had heard about him and had learned, I loved. Plus, who doesn't like it when you meet someone who has always found crazy women and this idea presents itself that maybe you two are finally attracted to a good man/woman?

The second time we saw each other was about a month later at my friend and I's congrats party. By this time, I was really getting frustrated by his sabotaged date he planned with me (he had brought up our first date and meeting parents in phone conversation), but trying to respect his wishes to "take it slow" because I knew his ex was supposedly crazy and I knew it took a while to get over that because I had.

Even at that party, things were electric, but there was something beneath the surface for him. He pretty much got aggressive in front of everyone because he was upset I hadn't told him it was my party too. (Earlier in the week, it had just been my friend's party until I got a job too.) He said I could text him anytime, implying I should have told him, despite him not really responding to me when I had tried to talk to him that week. And, he jerkishly asked if I was going to inform him of my birthday plans? Feeling stunned, I said "Maybe."

That night, we slept next to each other on the loveseat. He nudged a little closer, but wouldn't make a move. He would stare into my eyes, but wouldn't do anything. I later wondered if he was wanting me to, so he wouldn't feel guilty, but I refused because he needed to step it up and stop letting me be the only one showing I cared.

After that night, things changed and he changed. He began to ignore my messages for a day or so. Act weird. I pretty much told him in conversation that week that I was done making moves and he said, "I asked you out?" I told him that he never made it happen. He said, "I meant when we were both free. Let me know the next time you're free. :)" Then, he vanished texting. He avoided my party he so adamantly wanted to be told about. I confronted him about his distance, calmly. He said things were good, he wanted to take things slow, he liked me, still wanted to talk, etc. Two weeks went by, I text him, and he ignored it. Two days after that, I sent my final message that told about my departure if he ignored me and I laid my heart on the line.

I keep rehashing in my head and my fear is that I expected too much and drove him away. Ever since my recovery for three years, I'm finally at a place where I want intimacy. i want to get close to someone in person. I want that loving connection. I want to cuddle, hold hands, and bare my soul to someone. Heck, I just wanted to go on dates with him, so we could see if the compatibility was there, for real. Our friends kept asking me if we had went out yet, and it probably made things worse. I was trying to respect his wishes for taking things slow, but when you hold a woman at arm's length behind a cellphone for two months and won't make a move when you're on a loveseat with her, there's only two options: you're playing her and are probably a sociopath/psychopath OR you are terrified of intimacy and probably a BPD.

I just hope he wasn't a decent guy and I was expecting too much to want to spend time in person. Anyone else feel like the BPD made you feel like you were expecting too much if you wanted to have normal relations with closeness?

Honestly, until I had recovered from my childhood past, I never craved intimacy. That's how I know I'm ready. I want that closeness. I'm just afraid there is something wrong with wanting it after two months, even if it is just spending time with someone.

Hi misssouthernbell,

I understand. I can see how we would crave a r/s with reciprocity and emotional intimacy and we would carefully screen potential partners for PDs. 

As I read through your post it sounds like you know what you want, you display good judgement and I hear disappointment. I get the impression that you did hard work to recover from your past?


Are you having self-doubt?

I do, but somehow they always manage to slip through on an unconscious level, until consciously, I see the dysfunction and start to question things... .that's when it usually goes downhill. They either leave or start vicious mind games (ASPD guy).

I do know what I want and I'm tired of not finding him. I know I'm only 23, but I feel 40. The psychologist I saw for a bit - I couldn't juggle internship, work, and classes, plus a drive to a psychologist every week - told me that my ability to be self-aware and reflective was far beyond my years and I didn't talk like a 23 year old woman. I feel like an old soul that's ready to find her other half.

I am disappointed in myself and in him. I think what upsets me the most is that I feel betrayed. There were so many times that he could have come clean, or not led me to believe we were on the same page when, obviously, we weren't. I feel tricked and duped.

For example, in the beginning, we both agreed that we would tell the other if we didn't want to talk anymore, both saying we didn't like people who ignore you. What did he do?

Toward the very end, I gave him an out. I told him his distance made it seem like he didn't like me or wasn't ready to date yet, and I needed to know because I am ready to get to know someone on that level. What did he do? Tell me he really liked me, liked getting to know me, just wasn't ready to date, didn't know how much time he needed, thought we could have something good, liked what we had so far, and said he still wanted to talk.

I feel like the butt of the joke. That's what sets me off. I guess I can't really be mad at myself. Despite there being signs, I was trying to believe what he said and not assume the worst. I put myself on the line - for me, asking where we stand feels desperate, but I asked anyways because I was tired of feeling taken for granted and strung along - and I feel like he s**t all over that.

That's what made me so upset and hurt. I was lied to and when someone just exits your life after making you think they want you in their life... .it's so confusing and hurtful.

I am having self-doubt. I think, honestly, it's my inner child and adult self wrestling for control over how I view the situation. The inner child thinks it was her. She did something (broke a condition) and made that person go away because she believes she can only be loved if she meets certain conditions. Plus, she feels it must be her because I'm always the one that gets hurt and left... .so the common denominator is me. The adult self knows that he's the disordered one and though I played a part by being codependent, I am not like him in the sense that I hurt people. I just choose people who hurt me because I'm repeating my childhood. Then, the inner child experiences great pain and shame for being "messed up" and broken from childhood, a childhood she couldn't help and felt trapped in because of her mothers many lies that attributed to her living in a prison-like house and not having a normal childhood/teenage years. There's a mixture of hurt, pain, shame, guilt, anger, and helplessness when I sink into the abyss a while and let myself feel all of my emotions. It's overwhelming.

And, I also hate myself for having compassion for him. Even today, I was thinking of what I would say. After talking to our friends last night (my friend's husband unexpectedly brought up how the pwBPD has cut him out of his life and refuses to answer his texts and calls... .even he seems upset about, talking about how he got close to him and they were hanging out a long and he just ignores him now). I told him he was probably painted black like me. Honestly, he's probably painted black (along with his wife who is my friend) because they are the ones who encouraged us being together and let us hang at their house a lot. He probably found that fault in them.

One thing that did make me feel better - aside from knowing he does it to friends too, so they know I'm not making it up and know he's to blame if he starts a smear campaign - is that they said he got set up with our friend's sister a year or two ago and that she liked him like I did, but said he just wouldn't take things to another level and just disappeared on her. Lol. Sound familiar?

I'm beginning to think that my analysis - once I finally saw things for what they were - was right. He seems to fit the bill for BPD to a T. More and more is coming out. Like his drinking that has gotten progressively worse since he shut me out of his life. It's just so sad.

The only people that will stay in his life are those that are just as disordered as himself and round goes the merry-go-round of dysfunction, all over again. Example: his ex still trying to be his friend after all the drama they had.

I should be glad I got out when I did and finally saw the light. I can tell I've grown. I used to would have kept my mouth shut, not told how I felt, and held on, despite being ridden with anxiety about how I was being treated.

I didn't do that this time. When things started becoming obvious, I spoke my mind, thought things were good, noticed more red flags, and when I was blatantly ignored after he said things were good, I said how I felt, but laid some boundaries if he continued to disrespect me by ignoring me.

That's improvement. That's what I need to focus on.  :)

It's good to hear that you see improvement and spoke your mind and laid boundaries if he continued to be disrespectful  :)

I completely understand how that would feel like you were tricked and duped. Many of our members including me saw red flags early in the r/s and we often chose to ignore them, I thought that I could change the r/s's outcome.

You have good judgement, self awareness, and you're reflective and I think those are wonderful qualities to have.

Your friends husband mentioned how he was split black.  I ask because I got the impression that they also encouraged you and this boyfriend. I would also feel better knowing that my friends would believe me in a smear campaign, but they also knew that he had been in a relationship with a friend's sister a year or two ago and he and he disappeared on her too?

I think that our support system, family friends, confidants can help us with potential boyfriends / girlfriends  because they can give us a  different perspective with their judgement and collective wisdom. Do you trust your friend and her husband's judgement?

That other friend that he was set up with is kind of... .mean, I guess you could say. She really didn't make a big deal about him disappearing, besides saying he wouldn't take things further and just poofed on her like he did me... .exact same scenario. She's the kind that seems like it wouldn't phase her and she'd have another guy in a second. So, maybe that's why they didn't think much of what had happened between them? They probably chalked it up to her attitude and him wanting to get away from her?

They did encourage us. They set us up, pretty much. Every time he and I hung out, it was at their house. The pwBPD couldn't even hang out with me alone... .he sabotaged the plans in some way.

The husband is pretty upset about it, though he kinda takes up for him by saying he's "probably just depressed." I think he's in denial that his friend isn't who he thought he was. I think it's because I brought it to their attention what a spineless b*****d he is and how he did me, disappearing on me, and they have tried contacting him like usual and he's not answering them. He's completely avoiding and ignoring them like he's doing me and it's come crashing down that when I told them he wasn't acting right and was avoiding me on purpose (near the end when he began BIG TIME pulling away) I wasn't lying. I don't think they've ever caught on because he has just disappeared and by the time they realize he's gone, he comes back around, painting them white.

The husband is deeply upset because they had gotten really close the months leading up to (and during) when they set us up. We hung out as two couples and always had fun, in a way, though we weren't official. They said he needed a good woman in his life - buying into his "victim" card he uses, especially since his ex came out as a lesbian after they broke up - and thought it was his choice in women, thus setting him up with me, someone they consider a very sweet lady.

They are beginning to see that's not true about him. They are absolutely floored and appalled by his behavior. I just hope that they make the right choice by telling him that they don't appreciate it when he appears again (which they said he usually does) because someone needs to make him accountable for his actions. If people would actually do so, maybe he would be forced to get help and stop being the emotional vampire that he is in relationships/friendships.

I'm afraid the husband will just be happy to have his long-time buddy back and won't say anything and here goes the cycle again. I let them in on what I thought he had and my friend, the wife, agrees. She said, "WOW! That makes so much sense as to why he would pick a woman that was obviously a lesbian! It was a way for him to remain unattached!" *Ding, ding, ding*

It is what it is. I just hate that he's now painting his friends black too and they're having to see what a monster he is. But, I guess, in reality, it's a blessing, so they know I wasn't kidding about him not acting like himself... .because the caring guy we all got to know... .was a reflection of my friend, her husband, and I. It's a hard pill to swallow.

I do trust their judgment. They're good people and I honestly think they didn't realize he had a real problem because he's never straight-up ignored their attempts to get in touch. Maybe because I mirrored back in a way that really hurt him (told him he's the reason he pushes good women away) and he's not only painted me black but them also because they set us up? That's what I'm thinking. That, or he knows if he speaks to them, he'll be triggered into thinking about me.

How long have your friends had a friendship with your ex? Have they weathered the storm in the past with having been split black? Have they experienced periods were he's avoidant and won't answer them?

They have, but they never thought anything of it. By the time they noticed he was gone, he obviously had painted them white again because he never ignored them, but they said he had disappeared many times over the last few years. They've known him for at least... .5-7 years, I believe?

This is the first time where he's went completely silent and is ignoring them. I think that's why they've finally woken up to how he is.

I think you've assessed the situation well. My advice is try not to worry about the husband. It's his choice to be friends regardless of your exes' eccentricities.

Touche. I guess it's partly my anger at him getting away with it if he does come back and the husband welcomes him with open arms. And, also, I don't want to see my friend's husband that let down again. I  know exactly what he's going through. I think, though, by the time he comes back, I couldn't give a flying f**k what he will do because I will have completely put it behind me. I've made a lot of progress recently. I deactivated my Facebook about a month ago (although I did add it back for about 5 minutes to see if the pwBPD really did get a Facebook, something he said he'd never do), but other than that, I have been focusing on me and it's helping me to heal to see that his actions aren't going unnoticed and even his contrary behavior (the Facebook) is raising eyebrows among his friends.

I would feel angry and hurt too after what you experienced and if he was welcomed back in your social circle. I think that you're right and that you may be much further ahead in your healing and won't care what your exe does either way. A person that is impulsive will often show themselves.

Did your ex get a Facebook account because you have one? Is he creeping your profile?