BPDFamily.com

On our vacation, BPDh "ran out" of his medication. I told him he could call his psychiatrist, and they'd call it into a pharmacy where we were, but of course because I suggested it, he wouldn't do it right away. The next day he called, but just left a message. He was off his meds for about four days, and he became AWFUL. He was okay they first couple days of our trip, but as time got closer to his daughter having the baby, he became moody, and short with me. I planned the trip thinking she was having the baby on Friday, but I was mistaken(genuinely so), and she had it on Thursday. His daughter called the day of our trip just to remind him that I was not allowed anywhere near the hospital. She's a gem.

Once, I went on a drive to get some space and to let myself cool down after he'd been mean. Our last MC session, the focus was on no more "zingers", and I haven't been, and I actually feel I don't usually do them anyways, but he's been awful about it. He daily has several mean after comments, that are meant to wound. Little digs, even when I said something innocent, or not something I'd think he'd take badly at all. When I call him on it, he just defends, but ignoring it feels so much worse to me? I used to ignore them, but then he escalated worse.

What do I do when he says these hateful things to me? I'm sick of them, and I'm sick of his crappy attitude. He assumes the negative about me, doesn't ask for clarification, and even when I just give it, he denies what I feel. In fact, he TELLS ME how I feel anymore. Just lately this has gotten very bad. He won't believe what I tell him, yet he fabricates his own story about it.

The day we got home from our vacation(wasn't back on meds yet), we were driving to one of my son's football things. I'd asked him if he wanted to go, because I realized he might want to go see his new grandbaby. He said he'd come with me, but on the way there, he got instantly mad over something I said(trust me, it was nothing, and I didn't think anything he'd even get angry over), and when I tried to clarify he got rageful. I probably JADED, as I did try to explain to him, but I don't think I defended. I just tried to clarify, what I'd said, but he wouldn't listen. Then he swerves onto the gravel side of the road, hops out(he was driving), and tells me to go alone, he'd walk home(we were probably 10 miles from home at this point. I ended up coming back for him, but the entire time we were there, he was angry faced, and my son was embarrassed because he could tell I was upset(I wasn't crying though).

I'm sick of being put in these situations. I'm sick of him going off no matter how I handle it, or how I respond. Even when I don't respond, he still goes off. He's starting in with the terrible road rage again too. He drives super aggressively and stares people down, as he whizzes past them.

How long before his medication levels back out? He's on 450mg. of Wellbutrin. I wasn't sure how much it helped, but geesh, he was awful going off it cold turkey. I told him you just can't do that with those types of meds. I've had to wean off before, and it took a month or more.

On the whole I enjoyed the trip, but on about the fifth day of our seven day trip he got super moody. He's been worse since we got home, even though he did go see his new grandbaby.

How do I best deal with his moods? I've ignored, I've validated, I've walked away, I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, but he seems to be on a downward spiral like he did a year ago, right before he left me.

My daughter just got home from work, and he normally dotes on her, and hasn't seen her in about 8 days, but within two minutes of her being home, he yelled at her. He's even being worse than his baseline norm. I repeated something he said earlier today, and he swears he didn't say it. My daughter asked why he yelled at her, and I just told her that he's been angry and yelling at me too.

I'm not sure why he's so mad lately, but I'm sick of dealing with it. I just want to hide. I feel continually blindsided. I've been trying to stay away from him, keep myself busy, and avoid him, but he keeps coming to me and asking me to do things. "What do you want to do", like a kid who needs constant stimulation.

I feel he's looking for a fight, or a reason to blow up and leave again. I really need advice on how to deal with this, before it gets worse. How do I de escalate his anger?

 

 

What happened with the "weekend away"?  With just you and him... .

Did I miss something?

I'll be back later to chat about your post... .but... until he gets back on his meds... .and stabil... .very likely that avoidance and minimal talking is a good idea.

FF

He was adamantly opposed to me going alone, and I thought us getting away together might prove good for us. We actually were gone for 7 days, and I'd say 5 of them were good. He was moody most days, but it was low level where I could ignore it. He still was doing was I call sniping. Snipe attacks of saying mean things. Totally out of the blue, and unnecessary. I have no idea why he does this, but I've come to realize it's a reflection on HIM, not me.

I found the time to be good for me. Probably not as good as it would have been just me, solo, but I think in the end had I done that, I'd have paid a super high price with him later. I chose to pick my battles.

We have MC tonight, and who knows what he'll throw at me. I always start out trying to let him talk, but he won't, then about 10 minutes before session is over, he launches into something he hates about me. I'm sort of sick of hearing about all the things he doesn't like about me. I've worked on them, I've compromised, but short of molding my every thought and feeling to match his, he's unhappy, and that is his choice.

 

So... .just to make sure we are on same page... .you guys went on your vacation... .just the two of you... .his idea or his invitation to his friends didn't happen?

I hope MC goes well for you? 

Can you try to validate an emotion... .or ask about an emotion when he does the 10 minute left to go complaint?

FF

He actually didn't do that complaint in the last ten minutes this time! Yay!

And yes, we went on vacation, because he adamantly didn't want either of us going alone. He told his friends we'd go with them another time. They did not just show up. I think he was sort of moody/grumpy because I didn't want to entertain, but I really wasn't up to it.

MC on the whole went pretty well. I always get quite a bit out of it, and BPDh seemed less zoned out this time.

So... how what did you say to your husband about him going with you?  Since he made the "right" choice... how did you compliment or validate that... .?

Did he say why he was grumpy?  Moody?  How did that come up?

FF

It came up after a couple days, because I flat out asked him if something was bothering him. He as a norm denies when I've done something that bothers me. He's often copped to being "generally grumpy", but when I mentioned that in MC this week, he denied that and said it's always because I've done something. I told our MC that which do I believe, because BPDh has now said it both ways. It's kind of comical.

I'd always much rather him tell me if I've done something to upset him, but what I think he does is stew on it, then later have a blow up. We've talked about this, and how I can take him being upset and me, and that it's better to deal with things as they happen, than to let resentment and anger brew. I think it's just so old habit for him.

I'm just thankful our vacation time went generally well, and I did validate him for letting it be "just us".